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Old 10-22-2019, 08:45 AM   #871
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"Principle of The Thing":

Ed: "Don't you think that I should be climbing on that ladder?"

Ralph: "So, you are saying that I'm too fat to climb this ladder. Why don't you just say it?"

Ed: "I don't have to. You just did."

Ralph: "My wife may not be alone on the moon."

(Ralph goes into the bedroom with the ladder. He climbs up it.)

Ralph (falling, yells): "DUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Move Uptown":

(Everyone is outside helping the Kramdens move.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We got to load the trailer?"

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom! Ed comes down with pots and pans tied on him.)

Ralph: "Why are you making so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you get hurt?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I quit bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"The Sleepwalker":

(The doctor gives Ed a shot.)

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The G.F. is going to hypnotize Alice so she can let Ralph find out where she hid the money.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Alice: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph is getting Ed to write the nasty remarks that he wants in his letter to the boss.)

Ralph: "I don't know what else to say."

Ed: "Maybe it's a good time for you to say that you want your job back."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph and Ed try to lift the dresser.)

Ralph: "I'll count to three and on three we lift and then we heave ho. One..two...three."

(Ralph lifts the dresser but he can't lift his side of the dresser.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRGGGGH!" (normal voice): "Why didn't you lift?"

Ed: "We didn't heave ho."

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph has just told Alice not to tell the Nortons about his promotion, but unbeknownst to Ralph, she did.)

Ralph: "I have been promoted. I am now an executive."

Ed: "What a surprise."

(Ed tries to act like he's surprised.)

Ralph (to Alice): "So you told him huh?"
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Old 10-23-2019, 09:28 AM   #872
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "In this hotel, the guest doesn't have to lift a finger."

Ed: "Neither does the manager."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Now tell me why I would put my weight down on an income tax form?"

Ed: "How should I know? You are the one being investigated."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs of blubber."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and eats the rest of Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "I hoep he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The couples are in the cottage.)

Ed: "This isn't such a bad place."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who has spent most of his life in the sewer."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph (very angerily, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME AND THAT'S THAT."

Alice: "And they say that all fat men are jolly."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus just to take care of her. Now, this afternoon, I see her and a guy come out of an Italian restaurant and take a cab. That is loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Ed showcases his sense of humor.)

Bing Crosby: "What do you do?"

Ed: "I work in the sewer."

Bing: "That explains it."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Ralph's staff is right in front of him.)

Ralph: "Staff, dinner will be at 7 unless of course Bing doesn't come."

Ed: "In that case, we will eat at 6."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ralph is in the makeup lady's chair.)

Makeup Lady: "I'm exentuating the blue in your eyes."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "You laugh one more time and I'm going to exentuate the black in your eyes."
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Old 10-24-2019, 07:04 AM   #873
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"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph (sarcastically): "I hope you realize that water always recedes it's level."

Ed: "Yeah, we heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."
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Old 10-25-2019, 06:46 AM   #874
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man inthis city that's strong enough to do that."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice just got introduced as contestants on "Beat The Clock.")

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your lives?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."
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Old 10-26-2019, 06:40 AM   #875
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Seeing you alive is like finding a million dollars."

Ed: "If that is the case, let Trixie pay for the coffee."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Everyone is in the super deluxe cottage.)

Alice: "It takes your breath away."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before."

Trixie: "I have never seen a place like this."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before too."

Ed: "Va-va-va-voom!"

Ralph: "There is a new one for you."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph sits down and eats his two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that that was my dinner. What are the fork and knife for, to commit suicide with?"

"Operation: Protest":

Alice: "Clifford hates momism."

Ralph: "Send him to his papa."

Alice: "He can't."

Ralph: "Where is his dad hiding?"

Alice: "He is in the Navy. He is up on the North Pole counting seals."

Ralph: "He's hiding."

"Operation: Protest":

(Ralph wants to beat up Clifford for costing him his job.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Double Trouble":

Trixie: "There are two Ralph's."

Ed: "You mean that the weight Ralph lost formed into another person?"
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:44 AM   #876
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"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last custumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last custumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "This is serious, Norton! Not only that my back hurts, but, I'm half hot and I'm half cold! My head is red hot and my feet are ice cold! Do you know what it is to have a hot head and cold feet?"

Norton: "I get that way any August day in the sewer during high tide."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won himself a TV using a movie theater ticket that Ralph got for him.)

Ed: "It's just like the guys said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Are the guys coming to pick you up?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "Can you give me a lift?"

Ed: "Sure. Always room for two more."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"
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Old 10-28-2019, 06:37 AM   #877
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"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are wondering how to get some money.)

Ed: "How about a reward?"

Ralph: "A reward?"

Ed: "Yeah, I was down at the post office the other day and on the wall, they had the fugitives from justice. $200 reward, $300 reward, $500 reward. Why don't we gou out and capture ourselves a couple of fugitives from justice?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest thing that I ever heard in my life. All I know is that they wanted fugitives from Bellevue, I would make a fortune."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know?"

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty in here is your head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Don't you have to call anybody to tell them that you'll be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? If I would tell anybody that I am going to be late, I would write a note and slip it down a manhole."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How can you even think of taking Ed to the movies oh his birthday when he took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is worried about being investigated by the I.R.S.)

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated."

Ed: "She is right. The jails are full of them."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is talking about the previous time him & Alice were at Fred's Landing. Ed is listening.)

Ralph: "You should have seen Alice running away from that snake. I thought I would die laughing."

Alice: "How could you see me running away? You were way ahead of me."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ed reveals that he accidently took the bag of groceries as his lunch.)

Ed: "I got one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 10-29-2019, 08:50 AM   #878
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"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friend's hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electrocute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

Last edited by Frank Gannucci; 10-30-2019 at 08:48 AM.
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Old 10-30-2019, 08:46 AM   #879
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
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Old 10-31-2019, 06:19 AM   #880
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Default Halloween Quotes:

All L.E. quotes are from "Halloween Party" & "Halloween Party For The Boss":

#1

(Ed comes in dressed as Clara Bow.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Alice?"

(The crowd laughs then appluads.)

Alice: "Oh Ed you look wonderful."

Ed: "How did you recognize me?"

#2

Alice: "It's very simple Ralph. You are a Zulu Chief."

Ralph: "A Zulu Chief? Well, if this is what a Zulf Chief wears, I hate to be a private citizen in that tribe."

#3

(Ralph gets a mousetrap caught on his hand.)

Ralph (coming into the kitchen with a mousetrap on his hand, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ed: "What have you got on your hand?"

Ralph: "A mousetrap."

Ed: "What are you going as, a mouse?"

All C39 quotes are from "The Man From Space":

#1

Alice: "Instead of buying a costume, why can't you use your brain and make one?"

Ralph: "Because I want to win. That's why."

#2

(Ralph has his "Man From Space" costume on.)

Ralph: "Can you see the faces on them (the Raccoons) down there (at the Raccoon Lodge) when I walk in with this? Well, what do you think?"

Alice: "I think you are nuts."

#3

Ralph: "That is the trouble with you. You don't know the latest developments."

Alice: "I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets out your pants every week?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "That sailor that you saw in the hall was Trixie."

Ed: "It couldn't have been Trixie. She was in the army."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man: "Did your mitther come from Ireland?"

Ed: "What's a mitther?"

Ralph: "He means your mother."

Ed: "No, she didn't. Neither did my britther or my sitther. It was my grandfither."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Ed: "Is it true that a ghost can go through a wall."

Ralph: "If that happens, you will see me going through that wall."
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Old 11-01-2019, 06:21 AM   #881
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Hey Ralph?"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?"

Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's favorite."

Ralph: "Well, I hope when Ricardo gets here tonight he enjoys it!"

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Now why do you think I would put my weight down on my income
tax report?"

Ed: "How should I know? You are the one that is being investigated."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000? Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the sizes of dollar bills and find out."

(Ed opens the suitcase to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Alice: "We'll just have to live on our expenses."

Ralph: "Swell. That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "The sewer was swarming with FBI men."

Trixie: "FBI men? What were they doing in the sewer?"

Ed: "They were looking for wetbacks who were trying to beat the cross-town traffic."
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Old 11-02-2019, 06:34 AM   #882
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the
car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The men are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why did you raise everybody and then say: 'I'm out.'"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."
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Old 11-03-2019, 07:37 AM   #883
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"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"The Sun & Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph brings out his Raccoon pants that are now so big that they don't fit him.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"Catch A Star":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Mr. Johnson: "I couldn't just ask the rent commission for me to raise the rent. I had to prove hardship."

Ralph: "What did you use for evidence, a picture of this dump?"
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Old 11-04-2019, 07:40 AM   #884
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"Principle of The Thing":

(Ralph & Ed are about to redecorate the apartment.)

Alice: "If you ask me, this wall shouldn't be papered. It should be padded."

(She leaves.)

Ralph: "Ooh, just once. Bang!"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Alice: "You are going to that wedding Ralph. You are going to the wedding. You are going to the wedding."

Ralph: "I am going to the ballgame."

Alice: "You are going to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO THE BALLGAME."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE WEDDING."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

Alice: "You are not going to the game."

Ralph (opening the door): "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

(Alice opens up the window.)

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO MY SISTER'S WEDDING."

(Alice closes the window.)

(Ralph comes back up.)

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE GAME."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Well, I have to confess Mr. Faversham that I was in the 1927 follics of the bus drivers. As a matter of fact, I walked on stage and I didn't do anything and the audience was laughing."

Ed: "That ballet dress you had on didn't do you any harm."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Do you know how embarrassing it is to be thrown out of the Raccoon Lodge?"

Alice: "Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing just being in it."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
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Old 11-05-2019, 09:51 AM   #885
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Default Election Day Quotes:

All Color quotes from "The People's Choice":

#1

(Ralph looks outside the window as Ed blows air into his paper bag and pops it. Ralph thinks that he has been shot and screams in pain. When he realizes what Ed did, he gets mad at Ed. Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

#2

(Mr. Miller & Mr. Weaver want Ralph to run for Assembly.)

Mr. Miller: "I read some of his (Ralph's) interviews in the newspaper. He doesn't sound smart."

Mr. Weaver: "That is what we want. A stupid hero."

#3

Ralph: "I'm a hero. A hero. A heeero. Do you know what a hero is?"

Alice: "Yeah, a fat sandwich."

"People's Choice Part 2":

(Ralph & the rest of the gang are on the street with instruments [including Ed wearing a drum with suspenders], and advertisements that say: "Vote For Kramden.")

Man: "What do you know about an assemblyman?"

Ralph (giving the signal to Ed to start playing his drum that gives Alice the signal to play the cymbals): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? What do I know about being an assemblyman?" (hitting Ed): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? I'll tell you what I know about being an assemblyman."

(Ed plays his drums & Alice plays the cymbals while Ralph mouths words.)

(The music stops.)

Ralph: "That's what I know about being an assemblyman. Do you have any other questions?"

Man: "Yes. When did you four nuts escape?"

"The People's Choice Part 2":

Ralph (reading his speech to a couple): "'Friends, pretty soon it will be time to go to the polls and vote. You can vote for a guy like me, Ralph Kramden. A fearless citizen who has captured such ruthless people as Bullets Durgem or you can vote for the other guy, that dirty bum, Harvey Porter. If you elect me, I will give you honest government'..."

Woman: "Come on John."

(They leave.)

Ralph: "I'll put new parks in the benches. I'll..." (yells): "SHE WON'T BE SUCH A RIOT AFTER YOU MARRY HER."

"Forgot To Register":

Alice: "Harper is for people like us."

Ralph: "Harper is not for people like us. Penrose is for the little man and I am a little man. Don't you dare say it"

All from "The Deciding Vote":

#1

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you didn't vote for Frank McGillicuddy?"

Ed: "McGuillicuddy? I don't even know how to spell his name."

#2

Ralph: "All right Ed. If you did not not vote for me, than who did?"

Ed: "Joe Rumsey."

Ralph: "Joe Rumsey. That's impossible. Why would he do that?"

Ed: "Remember that vaccum cleaner you gave him. He tried it out. He didn't do so well with the oatmeal test either."

#3

(Ralph & Ed turn on the vacuum but it doesn't suck up dirt.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop of erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."
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