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Old 09-01-2019, 06:39 AM   #811
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"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."
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Old 09-02-2019, 07:14 AM   #812
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Default Labor Day Quotes:

All Classic 39 quotes from "Brother Ralph":

#1

Ed: "Hey Ralphie boy. Put it there. Congratulations there." (shaking Ralph's hand): "Alice just told me the good news there about the suggestion you made down at the company. That was a pretty smart idea of yours, bringing in a traffic expert. Ha ha ha. They didn't need an expert. I could tell what the trouble was. Too many buses on Madison Avenue, that's all. That traffic expert will take some of the buses off the line and lay off some of the drivers. Of course, it will be rough on the bus drivers that are being laid off. But, at a time like this, you got to think of yourself. Think how much better of you and the bus drivers that are working." (slapping Ralph's shoulder): "What's the good word buddy boy?"

Ralph: "I was the first to go."

#2

Alice: "Ralph, you mean that you were fired?"

Ralph: "Oh, I wasn't fired. I was just temporairily laid off along with nine other dirvers. How about that? How could they do that to me? A guy that has worked and slaved for them for 15 years? 15 years, driving a bus. Aggravations 101 - Aggravations every day. In the summertime, dying from the heat. In the winter time, freezing from the cold. Through the hail, the snow and the sleet. Do you know the sign in the Post Office that says: `The mail goes through no matter what the weather is.'? Do you know why they do that? Because the mailman rides with me."

#3

Ralph: "What do I have to smile about?"

Ed: "That's the point. Now, more than ever you got to keep your spirits up. Sure, it's easy to smile when things are going good. But, smiling at a time like this is more of a challenge. Come on Ralphie, let me see you smile there. Show me those ivories. Give me the Liberance."

(Ralph smiles.)

Ed: "That's it. Beautiful. Beautiful. Just stay like that. Think of happy times. Think of yesterday when your boss said to you that he was going to use your suggestion of hiring a traffic expert on Madison Ave."

(Ralph stops smiling.)

Ed: "You should be proud Ralphie boy. No one else thought of that. You had that idea stored in your brain. Smile Smile…"

Ralph (yells): "Get out!"

All Lost Episode Quotes from "Letter To The Boss":

#1

Ralph: "A guy from the supply room comes out and says: 'Kramden, turn in your uniform. You are not driving a bus for us anymore.'"

Alice: "I can't believe it."

Ralph: "You can't believe it. I can't believe it. Nine years working for them and this is the thanks I get. Getting up every morning at 5am. Working three Sundays out of four. No holidays. All kinds of weather. Blizzards. Heat spells. Hail storms." Taking all kinds of abuse. Old women yelling at me. Drunks trying to get on without paying their fare. Cab drivers cutting me off. And when another bus driver got sick, I had to work double time…" (slapping his hand on the table): "…and this is the thanks I get."

Alice: "Ralph, don't worry. You'll get another job."

Ralph: "Sure they are but not a job as good as this one."

#2

Alice: "There are plenty of other jobs."

Ralph: "Plenty of jobs, huh? Plenty of jobs, huh?"

(Ralph gets a newspaper.)

Ralph: "I'll show you how many jobs there are." (reading the ads): "'Drill press operator. $70 a week. Learn while you earn.'" (not reading): "Here's another one." (reading): "'Tool and dye worker. Good opportunity for the right party."

Alice: "What's wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing, except they are all listed under: 'Help Wanted-Women!'."

#3

Ralph: "When I married you I told you were never going to work another day in your life."

Alice: "Honey, it won't be long."

Ralph: "I don't care how long it is Alice. I got my pride. Before I see you go to work, I rather see you starve."

All Color Episode Quotes are from "To Whomever It May Concern":

#1

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. 'Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'... You dirty bum!'"

#2

(Ralph just said a lot of nasty remarks that he wants in his letter that Ed is writing to Mr. Marshall, Ralph's boss. Ralph is mad because he thought that Mr. Marshall fired him.)

Ralph: "I don't know what else to say."

Ed: "Maybe it's a good time for you to say that you want your job back."

#3

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote: 'Sealed With A Kiss' on the back of my letter?"

Ed: "Of course not. I put down 'Sewer Workers Are Kings.'"

Happy Labor Day!
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:26 AM   #813
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"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Ed & Alice are lovers. Ed is in Ralph's home.)

Alice: "Excuse me sweetheart."

Ralph: "Who are you calling 'sweetheart.'"

Alice: "Norton. Who else?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph just went into the bedroom after challenging Alice's Mom to a fight.)

Alice's Mom (yells): "CHICKEN! CHICKEN! CHICKEN!"

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "CROW! CROW! CROW!"
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Old 09-04-2019, 09:23 AM   #814
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man inthis city that's strong enough to do that."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice just got introduced as contestants on "Beat The Clock.")

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your lives?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."
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Old 09-05-2019, 06:44 AM   #815
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives' tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of what to name their dog food. Mr. Marshall will be one of the first people to taste it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall."

Ralph: "What kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff is. You might as well call it Marshall."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I am your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Don't be ridiculous. It's a Dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those Dutch people must be very short."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Alice: "Molly wally unga."

Ralph: "What does that mean?"

Alice: "That is Hawaiian for: 'Ahh, shut up.'"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Do you know what a manager and a trainer get of the purse? A third. Do you know what a boxer can get? $300,000 to $400,000 a fight."

Ed: "A strong kid like that can fight five or six times a week."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is trying to do an aptitude test.)

Ed: "A five-year-old can do this."

Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll do it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(The doctor gives Ralph a word association test.)

Doctor: "Man."

Ralph: "Woman."

Doctor: "House."

Ralph: "Furniture."

Doctor: "Dog."

Ralph: "Cat."

Doctor: "Bus."

Ralph: "Those dirty rotten passengers."
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Old 09-06-2019, 06:35 AM   #816
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"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are wondering how to get some money.)

Ed: "How about a reward?"

Ralph: "A reward?"

Ed: "Yeah, I was down at the post office the other day and on the wall, they had the fugitives from justice. $200 reward, $300 reward, $500 reward. Why don't we gou out and capture ourselves a couple of fugitives from justice?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest thing that I ever heard in my life. All I know is that they wanted fugitives from Bellevue, I would make a fortune."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know?"

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty in here is your head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Don't you have to call anybody to tell them that you'll be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? If I would tell anybody that I am going to be late, I would write a note and slip it down a manhole."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How can you even think of taking Ed to the movies oh his birthday when he took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is worried about being investigated by the I.R.S.)

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated."

Ed: "She is right. The jails are full of them."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is talking about the previous time him & Alice were at Fred's Landing. Ed is listening.)

Ralph: "You should have seen Alice running away from that snake. I thought I would die laughing."

Alice: "How could you see me running away? You were way ahead of me."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ed reveals that he accidently took the bag of groceries as his lunch.)

Ed: "I got one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 09-07-2019, 06:50 AM   #817
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"Cupid Part 1":

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: (going to play the coronet) "I dont know if I rememeber this song I got the music right here."

Alice : "Stand back Ed this is liable to be messy."

Ralph: "You're liable to be messy in a about 5 seconds from now!!"

"$99,000 Answer":

(Ralph just told Herb that he was a bus driver.)

Herb Norris: "One time I was waiting for a bus in the pouring rain. I saw a bus coming. I signaled for the bus to stop but instead the driver drove the bus in the puddle and I got all dirty."

Ralph: "Was that you?"

(Herb didn't know that the bus driver was Ralph because he didn't see him.)

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The gang is in the lemon of a cottage.)

Alice: "Ralph, give me the frying pan out of the suitcase?"

Ralph: "You are going to cook something for us?"

Alice: "No, I am going to hit you right on top of your head with it."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "You have no foresight. You can't see this far in front of your nose."

Alice: "And that is another thing. I need glasses."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph enters the room. Alice's Mom doesn't see him.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "Hello! How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take your bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"
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Old 09-08-2019, 06:31 AM   #818
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph accidently pours Ed's beer into the mixture that they are making to make the bair-growing formula.)

Ed: "I was looking for my beer."

Ralph: "You stupid stupe! You made me poor the beer into the mixture."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"
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Old 09-09-2019, 06:37 AM   #819
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"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph "I have been driving a bus for the Gotham Bus Company."

Bud: "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I have problems."

Ed: "You are telling me. You kept me awake all last night."

Ralph: "You hear about it?"

Ed: "Did I hear about it? The top floor is betting 8-5 that you go to the wedding."

"Stand-In For Murder Part One":

Ralph: "I was just upset that Alice thinks that there is no one stupid to offer me a job like that."

Ed: "This guy sound stupid enough."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "My pal Harvey is bigger than me."

Ralph: "I got a friend Shirley who is bigger than you."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at his watch.)

Ed: "He should be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Without Reservations":

(All of them are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that. I think that they are holding up the wall."
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Old 09-10-2019, 08:45 AM   #820
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"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "Alice is going to an obstertrician."

Ed: "Good for her. It's about time that she gets that bunion removed."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "There is a prowler loose in the building. You better pile some furniture up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "I got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling, it's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Raffitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell him how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "I was driving my bus. He was going to walk across the street and then I stopped for a red light. If I gone through the light, I might have hit him. I saved his life."

Ed: "You didn't save his life, you saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Maybe we can Gleason to come if we say it is for charity."

Alice: "What charity is this?"

Ed: "Well, see we need a new pool table and when we get the money, we will give the pool table to the settlement house if they have enough money for it."
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Old 09-11-2019, 10:16 AM   #821
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"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"The Sun & Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph brings out his Raccoon pants that are now so big that they don't fit him.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped,
yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
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Old 09-12-2019, 06:36 AM   #822
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Champagne and Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get your job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."
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Old 09-13-2019, 06:33 AM   #823
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"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus, there was two empty seats. Who takes those two empty seats?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis and I'm the treasurer Alice. I'm responsible. Do you know what happens if the lodge doesn't get any more money? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah. Rela estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ralph thinks that Phil is seeing Alice behind his back.)

Phil: "Too bad there aren't more Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice looks at the letter that Ralph claims says that he will die. She laughs because it's for her mom's dog, Ginger.)

Alice: "This is a riot!"

Ralph: "This is a riot? We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "It just so happens that your husband is Taurus the Bull. Now what do you have to say about that?"

Alice: "Moooooo."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "You should hear what my horoscope said."

Ralph: "What did it say?"

Ed: "'Be sure to throw yourself into your work.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "$600. I don't know what to do first."

Ed: "I do."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "I wouldn't tell Trixie."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ed is reading the bottles.)

Ed: "Here's another one. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."
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Old 09-14-2019, 06:20 AM   #824
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that after looking at that guy that you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Yeah. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Don't you know that this morning, Ralph insisted on making the beds."

Trixie: "That is wonderful."

Alice: "What is wonderful is that he got me up at 5:30 so that he could make them."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus, there were two empty seats and who takes them?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks Alice packed him an awful lunch. He goes to the stove and sees Alice's shoes. Ralph doesn't know what to make of this. He doesn't know that Alice put them there so they could dry.)

Ed: "I know what you are going to have for dinner."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "A pair of socks."

"Lunchbox":

Ralph: "What do you have for lunch?"

Ed: "Don't ask. All I get is peanut butter sandwiches, peanut butter sandwiches and more peanut butter sandwiches. I am telling you it is terrible Ralph."

Ralph: "Why don't you complain to Trixie?"

Ed: "I make my own sandwiches."

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "I didn't know that anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."
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Old 09-15-2019, 06:45 AM   #825
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"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."
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