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Old 07-09-2019, 06:35 AM   #736
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"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: itís not what you know, itís who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, and know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, if you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

(Ralph's boss made Ed Ralph's supervisor.)

Ralph: "It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. When Norton becomes my boss, I'm quitting."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I got my pride."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch.)

Ralph: "What is a shoe doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What did you think it was stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be surprised."
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Old 07-09-2019, 06:45 AM   #737
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Ed Norton: [Ralph tries to figure out what to leave Alice in his will] Look, as long as you're going, anyway, why don't you sell your body to science? If they pay by the pound, she'll be left a millionaire!

Ralph: Why don't you shut up?
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Old 07-10-2019, 06:32 AM   #738
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"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

ďFinders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for a paper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."
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Old 07-11-2019, 06:05 AM   #739
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Ralph Kramden: Two thousand dollars, Alice! That's big, big, big! This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into.

Alice Kramden: The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.
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Old 07-11-2019, 06:37 AM   #740
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It is one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"

Ed: "How about the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There":

Ed: "A dcotor once told me that I had a split-personality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton: The gay, carefree man-about-town. The other one was Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Big news. Your huband is crazy.:

Alice: "Okay, so what's the big news?"

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ed picks up a cricket bat.)

Ed: "What is it used for?"

Ralph: "To kill crickets."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true. Ralph brings the Nortons out to explain the whole thing.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "How would you like to bag an elephant Alice?"

Alice: "I already did."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You are carrying the load, but it's not on your shoulders."
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Old 07-11-2019, 12:45 PM   #741
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Ralph Kramden: Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?

Ed Norton: Yeah, they forget their relatives
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Old 07-12-2019, 06:50 AM   #742
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"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that we have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "I am the master of this house and you are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph & Ed are playing poker with a bunch of people.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everyone if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "That is a peephole. When someone knocks on your door, you look through that just in case it is a person that you don't want to let in like a deliver boy."

Ed: "The only thing you can deliver through there is a salami."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Ralph (to Emily): "He has a sickness."

Ed (as Count Marco): "I am allergic to sphagetti."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You think that I am Shorty."

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who is Shorty?"

Ralph: "How should I know? I never met him."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here is another bottle. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT IS OLIVE OIL."
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Old 07-12-2019, 06:55 AM   #743
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You just decided for me, Alice. You just decided for me! I'm going on 'The $64,000 Question'. And do you know why? 'Cause I'm an expert in one of their categories: Aggravation!
— Ralph Kramden
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Old 07-13-2019, 06:51 AM   #744
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"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last custumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last custumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "This is serious, Norton! Not only that my back hurts, but, I'm half hot and I'm half cold! My head is red hot and my feet are ice cold! Do you know what it is to have a hot head and cold feet?"

Norton: "I get that way any August day in the sewer during high tide."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won himself a TV using a movie theater ticket that Ralph got for him.)

Ed: "It's just like the guys said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Are the guys coming to pick you up?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "Can you give me a lift?"

Ed: "Sure. Always room for two more."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"
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Old 07-13-2019, 07:40 AM   #745
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Ralph: What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments.

Alice: I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day?
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Old 07-14-2019, 06:32 AM   #746
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"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."
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Old 07-15-2019, 06:23 AM   #747
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."
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Old 07-15-2019, 08:34 AM   #748
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Ed Norton: [reading from book about golf] 'The golf swing: First, step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball.'

Ralph: Wait a minute. What do they mean by 'address the ball'?

Ed Norton: How should I know? That's what it says here.

Ralph: Well, read a little further. Maybe it explains it.
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Old 07-16-2019, 06:17 AM   #749
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"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He's in the library."

Ed: "The library? He ought to get here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Opportuinty Knocks, But":

(Ralph is upset that Ed is now his supervisor.)

Alice: "It's a blow to your pride."

Ralph: "It's not my pride Alice. It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Face it Alice. The day Ed becomes my boss, I will quit."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I have got my pride."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
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Old 07-16-2019, 06:35 AM   #750
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[speaking to a recorder an apology to Alice] Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I'm sorry. I'm miserable without ya. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I've said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice, it's just her nature. She doesn't mean to be mean, she's just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn't mean to get me mad. She's just naturally mean, that's all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't have gotten mad at that, I should've expected it from her. I know how she is. She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the *same old way*, Alice! She's a BLABBERMOUTH, Alice! A BLAAABBERMOOOUUUTH!

— Ralph Kramden
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