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Old 03-04-2006, 08:01 AM   #46
lilhave
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Default To Pnder

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Harvey
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Old 03-05-2006, 07:12 AM   #47
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Default A bad day

Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .

. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.

. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.

. . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

. . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

. . . your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

. . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.

. . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

. . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

. . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.

. . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

. . . you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny

. . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

. . . you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads:
"WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"

. . . your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test

. . . you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers

. . . when someone accuses you of faking humor

. . . your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move
me."

. . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up

. . . you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

Harvey
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Old 03-06-2006, 06:37 AM   #48
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Default Do you have a weight problem

Perhaps You Have Weight Problem?

If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you witha limo?

* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?

* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?

* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?

* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?

* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?

* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?

* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?

* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?

* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?

Harvey
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Old 03-06-2006, 01:37 PM   #49
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Default Hahahhahaa

* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship? "


OUCH


Hahahhaa...
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Old 03-06-2006, 01:40 PM   #50
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Default

Has the U.S. Post Office assigned you your personal zip code?
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Old 03-06-2006, 06:10 PM   #51
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Default If

If Harvey would finally stop playing hard to get and take me to Coney Island, I know I could bulk up


I hear they have Cotton Candy and Harvey knows how much I love Cotton Candy.

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Old 03-06-2006, 06:40 PM   #52
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Default

I live 10 minutes from Coney. We can go to Nathan's for hotdogs and then the roller coaster. It will get warm soon, so bring a thong bikini.

Harvey who has his camera ready.
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Old 03-07-2006, 07:04 AM   #53
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Default Kids

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Harvey
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Old 03-07-2006, 02:31 PM   #54
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Default It hurts

My side hurts, literally hurts from reading that..

"21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. "


Oh even just quoting that made me laugh again...
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Old 03-07-2006, 04:41 PM   #55
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Harvey
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Old 03-08-2006, 07:15 AM   #56
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Default KIDS

Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children ...
Why did God make mothers?

She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
Mostly to clean the house.
To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?

He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?

God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

We're related.
God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?

My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

His last name.
She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?

My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?

Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?

Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?

Mothers don't do spare time.
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?

On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Love Through the Eyes of Children
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year- olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell! each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore," Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare ! - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6 ! ; -"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 6

Harvey
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Old 03-10-2006, 07:01 AM   #57
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Default Groaners

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave
me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality
comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story
building.

I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a
huge aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him!

Smoke dynamite... it'll really blow your mind.

Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells as well as body
weight.
It's a case of think or slim.

My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll
take it to the repair shop and see what develops. People think I
broke it but the crime isn't so black and white. Ah, I get the
picture - I'm being framed!

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive
blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm
sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"

Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls?
He left no tern unstoned.

If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get
foam on the range?

My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher.


We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what
it used to be.

My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C
shells by the seashore.

A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the
Sects Offenders List.

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What
are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my
back."

Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.

A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks:
"Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"

Perforation is a rip-off!

A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when
the company folded.

And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing
company that had a problem with staff...
Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping
on the job.

And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an
asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.

Harvey
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Old 03-10-2006, 12:58 PM   #58
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Default Ohhh

Those were baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad......I think i remember some of those from my Bazooka wrappers.
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Old 03-13-2006, 07:00 AM   #59
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Default computers

Think You Are Technologically Challenged
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key"to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't 'see" the printer.
9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
13. True story from a Novell Net Wire Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is the Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting tha
t fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
14. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine,"
15. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard,Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!"

Harvey
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Old 03-13-2006, 12:50 PM   #60
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the cup holder one is the best ahahahahaah
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