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Old 04-08-2006, 05:06 AM   #136
lilhave
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Location: N.Y.C.
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Default Spring Break

Top Ten Signs You're On A Lame Spring Break


10. Your hotel room offers a breathtaking view of the Persian Gulf

9. The package is 5 days, 2 nights

8. Closest thing you get to a sunburn is a rash from the hotel linens

7. Instead of a wet t-shirt contest, there's a less satisfying "wet hat" contest

6. Limbo stick looks an awful lot like a human femur

5. Difference between the presidential suite and a regular room? Free Q-Tips

4. Ask where to take a swim, the concierge suggests mall fountain

3. The bed in your room is not a water bed but it's awfully damp

2. Conga line ends at Scientology Center

1. Most action you got was when mom kissed you goodbye

Harvey
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Old 04-08-2006, 05:07 AM   #137
lilhave
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Default Murphy's law for mom's

The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.

Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't..

A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.

Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.

Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.

Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.

The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.

The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.

If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.

The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.

If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.

Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.

Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.

If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.

You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.

Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.

The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.

The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.

All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book.

Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.

Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn't.

One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.

If you don't have time to study the drivers' manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.

When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.

The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.

No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.

No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.

If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.

The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.

Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault.

Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you will never be able to repay her for.

Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you've already done it.

The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.

No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.

The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.

If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.

You never are as good as other people's children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.

The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it.

Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.

If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn't doing it well.

There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.

Mothers always "know." We don't know how - they just do.

Murphy's mother told him so.

Harvey
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Old 04-09-2006, 05:54 AM   #138
lilhave
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Default Blondes

Q: What happened to the blonde that was tap dancing?
A: She fell in the sink.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How does a blonde moon walk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.

Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q2: What will she ask you?
A2: "Is it mine?"

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
A: It finally dawned on her.

How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Q: What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
A: He wanted to know who the other man was...

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

Q: How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day?
A: She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
A: Marry her.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q.What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:
A:"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Did you hear about the blonde who:
1 had more on her body than on her mind?
2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
6
7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get tallergirls?
11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

344. Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.

345. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her neck warm

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason. (Note from Zelo: of course Esiason is playing for Arizona now)

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: What do you call a blonde without an *******?
A: Divorced.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Q: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

A: "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.

Q: What do a mo-ped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

STATE OF OHIO
DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
451 HIGH STREET
George Voinovich COLUMBUS, OH 43210 Ralph G. Pacheco
Governor Phone (614) 445-8627 Director
FAX (614) 445-3225
BULLETIN NO. 91-92
------------------
DATE: January 7, 1992
TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents
FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches
Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor
vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required
to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer
switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing
the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from
the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.
Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles
with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a
floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering
column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.
Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio
Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.
It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public.
However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio
DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer
system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent
study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Night-time Highway Traffic
Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles
and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that
96% of all Ohio nighttime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting
her foot caught in the steering wheel........

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes.

Harvey
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Old 04-09-2006, 06:01 AM   #139
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Default might be a bad date

Asks if you want a pinch of her chewing tobacco
2 He asked you about your favorite spermicide when you set the date
3 He keeps telling your dad about how he reminds him of his parole officer
4 He shows up with tequila and a box of condoms on the front seat of his car.
5 Honks from driveway for you to come get in his El Camino
6 Picks you up in a limo, but there's a hooker and a video camera in the back.
7 She offers sex before dinner
8 She's chewing that huge wad of gum - with her one good tooth.
9 He pays the restaurant bill in $1 bills
10 When asked if she wants a doggie bag, she says sure that'll be 50 bucks
11 Army Boots
12 Brings out the fancy sporks for that candlelit dinner
13 He takes you a restuarant that doubles as a strip club
14 Her green nail polish clashes with her blue hair
15 Scars from her sex change surgery
16 She has two brothers named Bubba and Cooder.
17 She looks sorta like Larry the Cable Guy but only with long hair
18 The dirt road leading down to her house is greater than two miles.
19 Instead of a Restaurant, he takes you to Burger King.
20 She has a price list
21 - Wears a Keepers T-Shirt
22 - He wears his wedding ring even when trying to meet girls
23 - Bra is 2 hubcaps
24 - Mattress strapped to her back
25 - She spends the entire dinner discussing her female health problems and Nascar
26 - Bathes Infrequently
27 - Her nickname is "Yeti"
28 - She does object to you taking her to a bar for her date
29 - The Saran wrap dress

Harvey
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Old 04-10-2006, 06:04 AM   #140
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Default Funeral eulogies

FUNERAL EULOGIES <<

She died as she lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine.
Death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness.
He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm porn he shot with his Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables.
He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched several of our children.
Bill was not a rich man. He was not a proud man. He was not a successful man. Nor was he especially attractive, articulate, or even remotely respected. Neither was he particularly well-liked or hygienic. So I suppose, what I'm really trying to say is... there's cake back at the house and if we hurry, we can probably catch the second half of the Bulls game.
The French have a term, "le petit mort." It is ironic that in his obsessive pursuit of this so-called "little death," that Dan's own flawed autoerotic asphyxiation techniques should lead him to such a big, honkin' drawer-soiling demise.
There's no getting around it: Bob was a big, fat, sweaty pig of a man, which means that now, there's more pie for the rest of us. Dig in!
And through our tears of grief, let us endeavor to never forget the flatulent hilarity that ensued each time Uncle Mikey graced us with his presence. Surely the Seraphim themselves are pulling upon his finger at this very moment.
I loved my son! I loved my gay son! I loved my gay, tax-evading, alcoholic, armed-robbing ex-convict son whose real father was a crackhead street hustler who went by the name "Little Miss Meat Saddle!"
And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.
His spirit will be with us always. And by spirit, I mean overwhelming credit card debt.
She was a woman well ahead of her time, whose near-legendary promiscuity set the gold standard for generations of post-Women's-Lib tramps.
Hers was a pure, goodly, and chaste life, which helped to ensure that her heart, liver, and kidneys were especially desirable on the organ transplant black market.
Tom consumed life with zeal. Positively gorged himself on it. In fact, if life was the frozen carcass of an extinct mastodon, partially emerged from a shrinking glacier, Tom was the ravenous jaws of a starving coyote, blindly feasting upon its gamey, semi-decayed goodness.
Behold our beloved grandmother... her crooked, nagging maw silent and still at last.
And let us pray for Earl's sake that they have reruns of "Mama's Family" in heaven. Or God help God.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to honor #456-B's life before consigning him to lot #5, space #A-16. Praise God.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Put your hands together for everybody's favorite stiff: Marty! I know you're wondering how Marty got to the funeral home from the hospital - he drove his CARcass! Har! Har! Try the veal!
I still can't get over that he's gone. I also can't get over that I totally survived that same car accident! Can you believe it? I should have had my head cracked off like what's-his-name here.
Let us give thanks that the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, took our dear sister to heaven in her prime, thereby proving his benevolence and love for us all.
He used to look up at me and it was so difficult to talk, because he had four or five chins, and he'd wheeze, "Just fifty… more… pounds." And then he'd eat seven or eight Twinkies and a couple of cheeseburgers. I've never known such steely discipline. He died reaching for a dream.
I don't think I'll ever get over him. But if anyone wants to try and help me, I'm in the back by the boxes of wine.
I hope she's in a happier place. But let's be honest: you don't get struck by lightening during a sunny day because God loves you, you know? Still, we can HOPE.
Frankie Two Thumbs wasn't a bad guy. You know what I'm talkin' about? He could make a mean baked ziti. And he smelled good, always with the fancy cologne. So it is with deepest respects that we fill his stomach with concrete and toss him in the East River.
Steve wasn't unhappy about life. He was just super excited to die!
What can I say about the recently deceased? I didn't know her personally, but members of her extended family have contributed generously to my parish. God bless!
As the proprietor of this funeral home, I can honestly say that never before has such a magnificent sample of corpus delicti crossed over my embalming table.
A last wish is a last wish. So, according to his will, we will now shoot Ted out of this cannon into the ocean while the local high school madrigals sing "Yesterday." Man, even dead he's high maintenance.
She seduced my husband, spread vicious rumors about me, and got me fired from my dream job. That's all I want to say really, I just want to be in the front of the line when we start burying the bitch.
Without further adieu... who wants to douse the coffin in gasoline and who wants to hammer this broken broomstick through the *******'s heart?
I loved him more than any other man. Sure, sometimes I peeked at others, but that's completely natural. And okay, sometimes I squeezed, grabbed, and stroked too - but that doesn't mean I didn't love him with all of my heart.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust - wait a second - that's a nice ring. Anyone mind if I try it on? Not like he's gonna notice! Anyone?
Okay, whoever painted Dad up like a circus clown better confess now, or I swear to Jesus Christ when I find out who it is, I'll bury them WITH him.
I remember old Harry. We had some good times. Like the time we were driving drunk on that dark road and ran down that old lady and kept on driving. The memories come back, don't they?
And finally, let us meditate on his last words - "Warm up my goddamned bedpan you ungrateful, good-for-nothing retard before I -ACK!"
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Except maybe less debt, because once those vultures are done picking through the will, I'm gonna be left with enough money for a whiskey sour, a hot fudge sundae, and a roll with an octogenarian streetwalker!
For whom the bell tolls? It tolls for thee. But later. The bell really tolled for Carol here. Tolled so much she mysteriously caught fire after the third car ran her over.
I'm sorry… I don't usually get choked up. But anyway, sprinkle a little of Jenny's ash in the bowl and pass the ceremonial bong. We promised her we'd smoke her up, man. And we are!
It's always sad when God calls a child home. But in the case of Larry here, I'm not so sad. Nice guy, smoked too much, whatever. So to Larry - nice knowing you, see you later.
I have already apologized to his family, and to his friends. But let me do it again: I am sorry for stealing my best friend Dave's body and doing that funny "Weekend at Bernie's" thing. But it was our favorite movie - and dragging him around to a bar seemed like the right thing to do. I had no idea he was so... delicate.
As you know, Jeff bought the ranch while doin' his favorite ho, and I like to think he'll have that great big gap-toothed Jeff-grin on his mug for all eternity. Yo' and if you see a skanky-looking blonde with tattoos on her hands driving a black beemer, call the cops - the bitch took his keys!
Here lies my son, Mr. Rich Big Shot. You'd think he could spend 25 cents on a phone call to his mother before killing himself in one of those fancy hotels with the bidet and everything.
My husband's funeral is going to cost me almost ten thousand dollars. So forgive me if I'm pissed off that he's not wearing any pants! I paid for pants! I don't care if the coffin covers his waist. Furthermore: Stanley never wore rouge!
We all knew Chris to be unusual in life… as well as death. Anyway - he really, really, really wanted y'all to eat this paté. He force-fed himself with oats and stuff for weeks before kicking off just to make sure the paté had a smooth, rich flavor.
I never screwed Cynthia. But I wanted to and God knows I tried. Even now, in death, I'd have to say I still wouldn't kick the broad out of my bed.
One more toast to the old bum! God rest his soul! And may we all stay oblivious to the crippling irony of a bunch of emotionally immature alcoholics getting bombed so that they can pretend to deal with the death of a friend who was so drunk he killed himself and a family of six sitting in the window of that Arby's at the intersection.
What happens to us when we die? I have no idea, but holy **** am I terrified. And I'm a priest, for the love of Christ!
In conclusion: I want each of you - all four hundred of you - to join me in song and take up the little milk bones that were just passed out. Take up the milk bones and toss them in little Poopy's casket. He'll need them in Doggie Heaven!
I know you're shocked to see me here, but listen: a verdict of innocent is a verdict of innocent. High priced lawyers and head in the refrigerator or not, I'm innocent and I'm gonna miss this bitch as much as any of you bozos.
I'll never forget the last time I seen him. He was all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all, "You're on!"

Harvey
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Old 04-10-2006, 06:06 AM   #141
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Default Benefits of being female

Benefits Of Being Female


We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous--guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get out of speeding fines.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.

Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).

We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

We know the truth about whether size matters.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.

Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.

We can sleep our way to the top.

Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.

WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We're NOT men.

Harvey
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Old 04-10-2006, 09:41 AM   #142
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Default

Funny stuff...lol...
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Old 04-10-2006, 10:27 AM   #143
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Quote:
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Not true! I've always had a bit of a crush on Archie. And some of those Party Poker characters are pretty hot!
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Old 04-10-2006, 11:46 AM   #144
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Sounds like you forgot a couple!

Women live in a constant state of denial, and unfortunately men have to accept it.

Women can never tell if their butt is too big or if a outfit makes them look fat and if it just so happens to be true it is because their man don't love them enough!

Last edited by marvelousmarcus; 04-10-2006 at 03:34 PM.
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Old 04-10-2006, 11:57 AM   #145
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Here's something to add. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care!
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Old 04-10-2006, 03:42 PM   #146
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Oh and I forgot the biggest one!

When the get dumped, they always use the excuse- he had issues! It is ALWAYS they guy!
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Old 04-10-2006, 05:00 PM   #147
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Default lol

I'll never forget the last time I seen him. He was all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all, "You're on!"



Hahahhahahaa
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Old 04-11-2006, 06:02 AM   #148
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Default Things women don't know

THINGS WOMEN DON'T KNOW

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Harvey
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Old 04-11-2006, 06:04 AM   #149
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Default Black and White Truths

Black And White Truths

Truths black people know, but white people won't admit...
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. A 5 year-old child is too big for a stroller.
6. N'Sync will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
7. Thomas Jefferson had Black children.
8. An occasional ass whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Kissing your pet is NOT cute.
10. Rap music is here to stay.


Truths white people know, but black people won't admit...
1. Tupac is dead
2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did it!
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President (or Al Sharpton for that matter)
8. RED is not a Kool-Aid flavor (it's a color).
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Your Pastor doesn't know everything.

Harvey
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Old 04-11-2006, 07:06 AM   #150
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ahahahaahahaha
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