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Old 02-08-2019, 07:58 AM   #481
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "In this hotel, the guest doesn't have to lift a finger."

Ed: "Neither does the manager."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Now tell me why I would put my weight down on an income tax form?"

Ed: "How should I know? You are the one being investigated."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs of blubber."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and eats the rest of Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "I hoep he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The couples are in the cottage.)

Ed: "This isn't such a bad place."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who has spent most of his life in the sewer."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph (very angerily, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME AND THAT'S THAT."

Alice: "And they say that all fat men are jolly."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus just to take care of her. Now, this afternoon, I see her and a guy come out of an Italian restaurant and take a cab. That is loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Ed showcases his sense of humor.)

Bing Crosby: "What do you do?"

Ed: "I work in the sewer."

Bing: "That explains it."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Ralph's staff is right in front of him.)

Ralph: "Staff, dinner will be at 7 unless of course Bing doesn't come."

Ed: "In that case, we will eat at 6."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ralph is in the makeup lady's chair.)

Makeup Lady: "I'm exentuating the blue in your eyes."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "You laugh one more time and I'm going to exentuate the black in your eyes."
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Old 02-08-2019, 08:04 AM   #482
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Norton: Well, Ralph, looks like you started the wrong rumor.

Ralph: What are you talkin' about?

Norton: First, you should've started the rumor that Mr. Harper knows you're alive.
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Old 02-09-2019, 07:39 AM   #483
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"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph "I have been driving a bus for the Gotham Bus Company."

Bud: "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I have problems."

Ed: "You are telling me. You kept me awake all last night."

Ralph: "You hear about it?"

Ed: "Did I hear about it? The top floor is betting 8-5 that you go to the wedding."

"Stand-In For Murder Part One":

Ralph: "I was just upset that Alice thinks that there is no one stupid to offer me a job like that."

Ed: "This guy sound stupid enough."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "My pal Harvey is bigger than me."

Ralph: "I got a friend Shirley who is bigger than you."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at his watch.)

Ed: "He should be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Without Reservations":

(All of them are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that. I think that they are holding up the wall."
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Old 02-09-2019, 08:33 AM   #484
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Ed Norton: What are you doing there, Ralphie Boy?
Ralph: I'm making a list of all my weak points.
Ed Norton: Oh. Is that all the paper you're going to use?
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Old 02-10-2019, 07:18 AM   #485
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"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How could you be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "What does icky mean?"

Ed: "I don't know. Why?"

Ralph: "Alice just said that I was icky."

Ed: "Must mean fat."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "It's a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those dutch people must be very short."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can get so unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has go a pretty good head start."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "Alice it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why can't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would if you only go away every once in a while."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph thinks that he found his social security number.)

Ralph: "56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."

"Two For The Money":

Ed: "This is the first night this week that I was able to gout out and have some fun."

Trixie: "Big deal. It's Monday."
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Old 02-11-2019, 07:45 AM   #486
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Champagne and Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get your job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."
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Old 02-13-2019, 07:47 AM   #487
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"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Alice: "We'll just have to live on our expenses."

Ralph: "Swell. That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"
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Old 02-14-2019, 08:33 AM   #488
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Default Valentine's Day Quotes:

"New Year's Eve Party":

Ed: "Will you stop looking at the dark side of things? If you work on New Years Eve, you are bound to get Saint Valentine's Day off."

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP!"

"New Year's Eve Party":

Mr. Marshall (to Ralph): "You lied to me so you can get off New Year's Eve."

Ed (to Ralph): "Now you have to work on Saint Valentine's Day."

"Double Anniverasry Party":

(After Ralph told Ed that he was going to take Alice out for their anniversary like it's an ordinary evening, he will surprise Alice with a dinner at a nightclub. Alice comes in.)

Ed: "Alice, may I be the first to wish you a very happy oridinary evening?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

All from "Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

#1

Ralph: "Me and Alice have an anniversary coing up."

Ed: "I hope that it is the 16th. 16th means net."

#2

Alice: "That is all that you are good for. You always boss us around. You men think you own the world."

Ralph: "You women get revenge. You marry us."

#3

(Ralph & Ed are practing louldy in the middle of the night.)

Ralph (yelling out the window to Garrity): "ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A FAT LIP?"

Garrity (yells): "IF I WAS LOOKING FOR A FAT ANYTHING, I WOULD KNOW WHERE TO FIND IT. AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY KRAMDEN? DID THE PIZZERIA BURN DOWN."

All from “Honeymooners Valentine Special”:

#1

Alice: “Ralph purposed to me on Valentine’s Day.”

Trixie: “Yours was more romantic than mine was. Ed proposed to me on Groundhog’s Day.When he pops out of the sewer and sees his shadow, I don’t get a present.”

Alice: “What if he doesn’t?”

Trixie: “I still don’t get one.”

#2

Alice: “What is your waist measurement?”

Ralph: “146.”

#3

Ed: “Trxie how would you like taf pil for dessert?”

Trixie: “What is that?”

Ed: “That is fat lip spelled backwards.”

All from "The Deciding Vote":

#1

Ed: "I wish Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed that's starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

#2

Ed: "I always get a cold working under the Park Avenue sewer."

Ralph: "Why?"

Ed: "They are air-conditioned."

#3

(Earlier on Ralph gave Alice a vaccuum. He gave it a test by trying to suck up oatmeal. It doesn't work. So, he loaned it to Joe.)

Ralph: "Why would Joe vote against me?"

Ed: "Remember the vacuum you loaned to him? Jim tested it. He didn't do well with the oatmeal test either.

All from “Honeymooners Second Honeymoon”:

#1

Ralph: “How I love thee. Let me count the ways.”

Alice: “That is beautiful. What is it, browning?”

Ralph: “No. After work, Grogan took me to Reilly’s for a beer. I saw it on an mouthwash commercial.”

#2

(Alice is getting the punch ready but she hasn’t put in the punch yet and the alcohol too. Ralph and Ed don’t know this.)

Ed: “What have we here?”

Ralph: “That is the punch. Wait a minute. Let’s have a drink.”

(Ralph gets a cup.)

Ralph: “I must warn you pal. This stuff is strong. Alice put four cups of vodka in this.”

(Ralph and Ed take a drink.)

Ralph: “As that fat guy on TV says: ‘Mmmmm boy, that’s good booze.’”

#3

Alice: “Tell me, I can’t stand the suspense.”

Ralph: "We are going to spend two glorious weeks at the Raccoon National Cemetery.”

All from "Jack & Julie Together":

#1

Ed: “Why don’t you tell her that you sent her a card but it got lost in the mail?”

Ralph: “That’s dishonest. Besides, I already told her that last year.

#2

Ed: “Why do you pick on me?”

Ralph: “Because you are a BUM!”

#3

Ed (writing Ralph's letter): “’My dearest, darling, loving, sweetheart Alice. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I am sorry I forgot your birthday, but I will make it up…I will forget next year's too.”

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
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Old 02-15-2019, 08:08 AM   #489
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"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "Alice is going to an obstertrician."

Ed: "Good for her. It's about time that she gets that bunion removed."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "There is a prowler loose in the building. You better pile some furniture up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "I got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling, it's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Raffitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell him how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "I was driving my bus. He was going to walk across the street and then I stopped for a red light. If I gone through the light, I might have hit him. I saved his life."

Ed: "You didn't save his life, you saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Maybe we can Gleason to come if we say it is for charity."

Alice: "What charity is this?"

Ed: "Well, see we need a new pool table and when we get the money, we will give the pool table to the settlement house if they have enough money for it."
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Old 02-16-2019, 07:32 AM   #490
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to straighten up with his bad back. He stands up straight but in an unnatural way.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is impatiently waiting for Ed to get out of the bathtub so he can take a bath. Ralph is worried that he will be late for work with all the waiting that he is doing.)

Alice: "We will make a schedule. One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use it first."

Ralph: "That solves the whole problem. Now, I will only be late every other day."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11p."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"
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Old 02-17-2019, 07:35 AM   #491
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"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are wondering how to get some money.)

Ed: "How about a reward?"

Ralph: "A reward?"

Ed: "Yeah, I was down at the post office the other day and on the wall, they had the fugitives from justice. $200 reward, $300 reward, $500 reward. Why don't we gou out and capture ourselves a couple of fugitives from justice?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest thing that I ever heard in my life. All I know is that they wanted fugitives from Bellevue, I would make a fortune."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know?"

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty in here is your head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Don't you have to call anybody to tell them that you'll be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? If I would tell anybody that I am going to be late, I would write a note and slip it down a manhole."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How can you even think of taking Ed to the movies oh his birthday when he took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is worried about being investigated by the I.R.S.)

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated."

Ed: "She is right. The jails are full of them."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is talking about the previous time him & Alice were at Fred's Landing. Ed is listening.)

Ralph: "You should have seen Alice running away from that snake. I thought I would die laughing."

Alice: "How could you see me running away? You were way ahead of me."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ed reveals that he accidently took the bag of groceries as his lunch.)

Ed: "I got one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 02-18-2019, 07:42 AM   #492
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"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "Norton, you play gin rummy your way and I will play gin rummy my way. My way is the scientific way - it takes a lot of figuring. For instance, I noticed that you picked up a queen, and I know you picked it up to make a run of three queens. I also know that you have a run of clubs. I also noticed that you threw away two sevens. Therefore, you couldn't possibly use the card I'm about to throw down which is a seven of spades. That's scientific figuring!"

Ed (showing his cards): "That's ever-lovin' gin!"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is trying to participate in a contest where you have to guess the name of a U.S. President.)

Ralph: "There is a picutre of a woman washing and there's a picture of a ton."

Ed: "I know who it is. Eisenhower."

Ralph: "Eisenhower?"

Ed: "There's a picture of a woman washing and there's a picture of a ton. Washington. Who's in Washington right now? Eisenhower."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Alice is upset that Ralph brought home a lot of boxes because he wants to enter every single contest that every box has just so he can win something big.)

Ralph: "Fix my dinner."

Alice: "Fix it yourself. Go fix yourself some Happy Hound Meatballs."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had on the bus?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "Well, in most of them, the criminals got nothing."

Alice: "The sixth time was a dozzy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose one bus, you got to hold it over my head."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed just explained the whacky rules of a card game called Knuckle-Knuckle.)

Ed: "The important thing about this game is that all the wet cards are wild."

Ralph: "All the wet cards are wild? What wet cards?"

Ed: "Well, we usually play this game down in the sewer."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Nick and another man see Ralph so they can get him a job in which he will be killed.)

Ralph: "I have been driving for the Gotham Bus Company for 14 years and I hate to leave that job if this job wasn't steady."

Nick: "Steady?"

Man: "I'll tell you, you will have this job for as long as you live."
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Old 02-19-2019, 07:34 AM   #493
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"Checkup":

Ed: "Have you wanted to look inside something to see what was inside?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You're supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch on your back."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull, swipe at it with your tail."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "You can't fit a sqaure into a round hole."

Ralph: "Why not? You put your head into your hat."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph is about to play the horn.)

Alice: "Stand back Ed. This is liable to be messy."

Ralph: "You are about to be messy in about five seconds from now."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job. Trained in the same fashion as each other. There's always one man in the group that stands far in front of the others."

Ed: "Yeah, I guess you are right there Ralph. If you stood any more out in front, you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."
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Old 02-19-2019, 12:55 PM   #494
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[Alice has hung up on Ralph after he calls her to cook a meal for Joe Fensterblau]
Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] You and I, we're goin' home, we're gonna cook that meal ourselves. When Fensterblau gets there tonight, I'll say that Alice cooked it, but she had an appointment, and she had to leave.
Ed Norton: That's a good idea. After all, men are the best chefs, aren't they? Oscar of the Waldorf, Pierre of the Ritz, Grace Kelly's father...
Ralph Kramden: What does Grace Kelly's father got to do with it?
Ed Norton: He cooked up a pretty sweet dish!
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Old 02-20-2019, 07:47 AM   #495
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"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit to?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortunate person who is broken-down."

Ed: "That is right. Someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Why your sister married that loud blowhard, I will never know."

Alice: "She did so because you were already married."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Lawsuit":

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I wish Trixie could make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that is starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want you to lend me the money. It is what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say: 'Hey get a load of fatso there'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Every mistake Ed has made, Ralph has talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"
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