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Old 12-31-2018, 07:59 AM   #421
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[Ralph shows Norton his present to Alice, a box to keep hairpins in]
Ralph Kramden: You know, when I bought this thing, the guy told me it's all handmade, you know. It's 2,000 matches glued together.
Ed Norton: Oh.
Ralph Kramden: Look at that thing. And he said it was made across the seas. You know, I thought he was kidding me, but right there, it says, "Made in Japan".
Ed Norton: [looking at it] There it is, in black and white. I'm telling you, this is something that a girl would not go out and buy for herself.
Ralph Kramden: You can say that again. And another thing about this, the guy told me that this is the only one of these in the whole world, that at one time, this was in the house of the Emperor of Japan. It was smuggled into this country.
Ed Norton: No kidding!
Ralph Kramden: I'm telling you, I just can't wait to see the expression on her face when she gets this.
Ed Norton: I'd like to see the expression on the Emperor of Japan's face when he finds out it's missing!
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Old 01-01-2019, 12:48 AM   #422
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"New Year's Eve Party":

(Ralph & Ed are in the Statler Hotel.)

Ralph: "What would this place be without all of this great stuff?"

Ed: "Your apartment."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Where's my mandolin?"

Alice: "Did you forget what happened on New Year's Eve?"

Ralph: "Well, where's the pieces? Maybe I can fix it."

"New Year's Eve Party":

Ralph: "I have pain."

Mr. Marshall: "Is it a steady or shooting pain?"

Ralph: "What's the difference?"

Mr. Marshall: "Shooting pain is more painful."

Ralph: "It's a shooting pain."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed just said that he saw Mike Douglas down in the sewer to present an award.)

Alice: "Does Mike Douglas look as good as he does on TV?"

Ed: "I couldn't tell. He had a mask on."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color version):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"The Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "How would you like to be the wife of a rich, brilliant highly respected business man?"

Ed: "I think Alice wants to stay with you Ralph."

All from "Man From Space":

#1:

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I am not up on the latest developments? Who is it that let out your pants the other day?"

#2:

Alice: "Why don't you make your own costume?"

Ralph: "Because I want to win the costume contest. That's why."

#3:

(Alice is in her 12-year old costume.)

Alice: "What do you think Ralph?"

Ralph: "Where's the rest of the costume?"

Happy New Year!
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Old 01-01-2019, 06:42 AM   #423
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[Ralph is confident he will inherit $40 million after he starts his own fictional company which Norton is a stockholder in]
Ed Norton: Thirty-five percent of the 40 million dollars belongs to the stockholders.
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Old 01-02-2019, 07:40 AM   #424
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"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there ain't no other side."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph & Ed are at a barber shop. Ed uses some of the barber's tools.)

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you like it if some person went to where you work and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Finders Keepers":

(Ed just beat Ralph at pinball. Because of that, Ed won the box of Italina Creams.)

Ed: "Ralph, we have been friends too long to let a box of Italian Creams to come between us. So, what I am going to do is take this home, Trixie will have the bottom half, Alice will have the top layer, and the box, which is suitable for framming, is yours."

Ralph: "Why don't you shut up?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter saying how Flakey Wakey has made him thin.)

Ralph: "'Before I started eating Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250 pounds. I now weigh...'"

Ed: "'260 pounds.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in New York City that is strong enough to do that."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "At last, I have a bathtub that I can be comfy in."

Alice: "What did you order, a round one?"

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
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Old 01-02-2019, 07:56 AM   #425
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Alice: Spell "antidisestablishmentarianism".
Ralph: I'll spell it.
[pauses apprehensively]
Ralph: I'll spell it!
Alice: [waiting patiently] Well? Go ahead.
Ralph: I'll spell it!
[agitated]
Ralph: I'll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it!
Alice: [sarcastically] 16,000 for spelling it? I'll give you 32,000 if you can SAY it!
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Old 01-03-2019, 07:36 AM   #426
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"Hello Mom":

(Ralph has just found out that much to his chagrin, his mother-in-law is coming.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, you forgot to give me the friendly Raccoon Bye-Bye." (raising the tail on his Raccoon cap): "Whooooooooo!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "Ralph, a three-letter word for exit."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

Ed: "Yeah, that will work."

Ralph (yells): "NOT THAT. GET OUT!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Ed walks in while Freddie Zimmerman and Ethel are talking.)

Ed: "Howdy folks! I heard the phonograph playing and I thought you would like some of my music better. Here's a good one."

(Ed puts on a record that plays loud big band music. He dances to the music. Ralph comes out and takes the record off the record player.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!"

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ed: "You know the saying. 'For every man, there's a woman. For every woman, there's a man.'"

Ralph: "Then why is Aunt Ethel staying at my house?"

Ed: "Maybe you're the man for her."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing. I'm not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "All right. Stay home."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisifaction."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed clears the top of the piano and sits on it.)

Ralph: "What are you doing?"

Ed: "You told me to take it from the top."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."
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Old 01-03-2019, 08:59 AM   #427
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Ed Norton: What are you doing there, Ralphie Boy?
Ralph: I'm making a list of all my weak points.
Ed Norton: Oh. Is that all the paper you're going to use?
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:47 AM   #428
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"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."
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Old 01-05-2019, 08:01 AM   #429
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Alice: [Ralph is yelling at Alice for talking on a new phone] I made one call, Ralph. One call! I spoke to Trixie.

Ralph: [incredulous] Trixie? Upstairs? You called her on the phone to talk to her upstairs? What, yelling out the window is too good for you now? What, was it raining out?

Alice: Yelling out the window is bad manners.

Ralph: Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She's been yelling out the window for 80 years!

Alice: Yeah? And before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to "Amos 'n' Andy".
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Old 01-06-2019, 07:47 AM   #430
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"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last custumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last custumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "This is serious, Norton! Not only that my back hurts, but, I'm half hot and I'm half cold! My head is red hot and my feet are ice cold! Do you know what it is to have a hot head and cold feet?"

Norton: "I get that way any August day in the sewer during high tide."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won himself a TV using a movie theater ticket that Ralph got for him.)

Ed: "It's just like the guys said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Are the guys coming to pick you up?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "Can you give me a lift?"

Ed: "Sure. Always room for two more."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"
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Old 01-07-2019, 08:36 AM   #431
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Champagne and Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get your job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."
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Old 01-07-2019, 08:44 AM   #432
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Ralph: I'm the general. What I say goes.
Alice: Then you better say "Alice" 'cause I'm going.
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Old 01-08-2019, 07:35 AM   #433
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"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph (sarcastically): "I hope you realize that water always recedes it's level."

Ed: "Yeah, we heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."
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Old 01-08-2019, 07:55 AM   #434
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Ed Norton: [to Harvey] A pox on you and all your ancestors!
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:37 AM   #435
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"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only realxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that that has a key for opening the door at Bellevue."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I am going to sue the landlord? Where is he?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Expectant Father":

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregannt. They all act real nice around their wives.)

Trixie: "What is going on here?"

Ed: "That is for you to know and for me to find out."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your home in the city."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"We Spy":

(Ed just said to Ralph that he was a Naval Intelligence in the Navy.)

Ed: "Where is the sun?"

Ralph: "Right up there, naval intelligence."

"Corse of The Kramdens":

Man (to Ralph & Ed): "I don't usually drink."

Bartender (to the man): "What do you want?"

Man: "The usual."
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