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Old 06-09-2006, 05:56 AM   #466
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Default Hot mail

The Top 11 Signs Someone's Been
Using Your Hotmail Account

"Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from backing into our driveway?"

One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

Apparently, your flame war with is about to turn ugly.

When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you're strictly a goat porno kind of guy.

You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and Chris White is on the cover of Business Week.

Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your Mom.

Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

and the Number 1 Sign Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account...

"The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

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Old 06-10-2006, 07:05 AM   #467
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Default Amusement ride

The Top 13 Signs You're About to
Board an Unsafe Amusement Park Ride

The ride operator's name tag reads "Crack Pipe Joe."

"As seen in Thelma and Louise"

Admission ticket has an "Organ Donor" check box.

Mechanically, it's fine, but Reverend Falwell says if you ride it, you'll become a homosexual.

Safety certificate issued by Boulder, Colorado, Police Department.

Kids are screaming "Look, Ma! No hands!" as they come *off* the ride.

At the beginning of the line is an upright casket with the sign, "You must not be taller than this."

Most coasters are made of wood or iron. This one's made of wicker.

Every time you ask if it's safe, Dustin Hoffman spits out another tooth at you.

Missing padded safety straps have been replaced with piano wire and twine.

Vultures aren't circling overheard -- they're on the ground and have already finished their salad course.

Booth next door: "Identify a Body! Win a Prize! Three Tries For A Dollar!"

and the Number 1 Sign You're About to Go On an Unsafe Amusement Park Ride...

Ride is operated by a slack-jawed, dead-eyed yokel who dropped out of grammar school, has drunk enough 151 rum to kill Keith Richards but is still on his feet and mumbling because all the speed he did has kept him awake for the past three days. Oh, wait -- that's EVERY carnival ride!

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Old 06-10-2006, 07:07 AM   #468
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Default Super Bowl

The Top 12 Signs Your Football Team
Won't Get to the Super Bowl

Your quarterback gets sacked more often than a busy hooker.

Management's moving of the training camp to Lourdes should have been your first clue.

I don't care how much money they paid, it's just impossible to play serious football in Mary Kaye Stadium!

The backfield refuses to practice on Thursdays: "It's Will & Grace night!!!"

Sportswriters compare your star running back to Sanders -- *Colonel* Sanders.

New conditioning coach's warm-up drill: A brisk 15-minute Macarena.

Your team is now run by the Kansas Board of Education, and they've decided not to allow tackling to be taught.

Good news: Nobody tested positive! Bad news: It was a playbook quiz.

You're fastest player's sprinting time is measured in fortnights.

"Now starting at running back for the Detroit Lions, number... ah, who gives a ****?"

Team refuses to stop holding hands -- even *after* they leave the huddle.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Football Team Won't Get to the Super Bowl...

Even though the team shelled out $15 Million a season for "the greatest football player who's ever lived", this Pele guy can't catch worth a crap.

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Old 06-10-2006, 07:09 AM   #469
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Default Cat overweight

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Overweight

Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

Always lands on her spleen.

Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Anna Nicole Smith fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.

Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

"Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.

Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.

Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.

He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...

Has more chins than lives.

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Old 06-11-2006, 06:39 AM   #470
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Default Bad Cruise Ship

The Top 16 Signs You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship

The shuffleboard puck looks suspiciously like a urinal cake.

Scheduled entertainment: The comedy stylings of Kato Kaelin

All activities are scheduled for after sundown, and the chefs refuse to cook with garlic.

First port of call on your "Surprise Adventures Tour" is East Timor.

Six-foot-tall obnoxious mice greet you everywhere you go -- and it's *not* a Disney cruise.

The "TrekCruise" brochure said nothing about William Shatner eating all the shrimp before you get to the buffet.

"LIFEBOATS?!? We don't NEED no stinkin' lifeboats!!"

The scenery is nice, but monotonous: two seagulls, a puffy cloud, a sun, then wait ten seconds and it starts over again.

Complimentary Polo shirt is yours to keep -- after you make a dozen more just like 'em for Kathie Lee at the Guatemala port of call.

The Good News: You've been invited to dine at the captain's table.
The Bad News: Tonight's entertainment is a live sex show at the captain's table.

Welcome aboard "wine and cheese" buffet consists of Ripple and Velveeta slices.

Their ship: Leonardo DiCaprio sketches a tasteful nude of you in your cabin.
Your ship: Bobby-Ray spray paints your name on one of the smokestacks.

"And here's your dance director: The man who invented dancing, Al Gore!"

Cruise line name: ValuBoat
Destination: Florida Everglades

That strong smell of fish is not coming from the sea, but from your cruise director, Julie McCrusty.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship...

"Attention passengers: Now starting on the Lido Deck is the ship's Tequila Shots Championship. Come watch undefeated Captain Hazelwood defend his title!"
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Old 06-11-2006, 06:41 AM   #471
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Default New Jersey Windows XP


Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a
dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen.

It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.


Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"

My computer is called "My Computa"

The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"

Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"

Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"

Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business" and will actually

maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.

Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"

Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up


OK.......Sure ting


Reset........Start ova



Find.Put a contract out on

Browse........Get a looksee


Help...........Get your own ansa

Stop............Knock it off

Start............Move it

Settings.......Here's da rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY


You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all

da bugs)

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Old 06-11-2006, 06:43 AM   #472
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Default Stock Tips

Investment tips for 2006.... get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

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Old 06-12-2006, 05:47 AM   #473
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Default drugs

New Over The Counter Drugs

St. Mom's Wort

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.


Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.


When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.


Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.


Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"


Indictable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti - talksident

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.


More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.


When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

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Old 06-12-2006, 05:50 AM   #474
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Default July 4th

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A July Fourth Barbecue

10. "Beef is great, but squirrel's so much cheaper"

9. "Take a photo of me lighting this cigar with an M-80"

8. "To give it a little 'kick,' I put charcoal starter in the punch"

7. "Oh God, Letterman's shirtless again"

6. I'd like to tell you why scientology is so important to me"

5. "Hey look, it's Earnest Borgnine--oh, sorry lady"

4. "All right, detainees, line up over here for your gitmo-style powdered baked beans"

3. "I'm afraid the only fireworks tonight are between me and your wife"

2. "My hot dog has a knuckle"

1. "I don't think that's mayonnaise in the cole slaw"

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Old 06-12-2006, 05:53 AM   #475
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Default Useless info

The U.S. makes enough plastic film annually to shrink-wrap Texas.

A rat shows displeasure with another rat by biting its butt.

Arnold Schwarzenegger owns seven Hummers.

Your computer keyboard is dirtier than a toilet.

In America now, there are more dogs per household than children.

Tony Blair once spent the night sleeping on a park bench in London.

Americans receive an average of eight birthday cards each year.

The longest movie ever made is "The Cure for Insomnia," which clocks in at 87 hours.

When two NHL players collide, their pads and bodies can absorb enough energy to power a 100-watt light bulb for a minute and a half.

Like fingerprints, every tongue print is unique.

62.7 percent of all e-mail sent in December, worldwide, was spam.

Americans stand about 14 inches apart when they converse. Russians, about 10 inches.

Pool shark Minnesota Fats was once hospitalized for "cue-tip-chalk lung."

500 pairs of fake sideburns were used in the making of "Gone With the Wind."

Thomas Edison proposed to his second wife by Morse code.

The average public swimming pool contains more urine than chlorine.

The Statue of Liberty's waist size is 35 feet.

Thomas Jefferson liked to greet foreign ambassadors in his pajamas.

The dog on the Cracker Jack box is named Bingo.

Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers.

Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail will overwhelm the sender's system and interfere with their ability to send any more spam.

Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.

The first McDonald's restaurant opened for business in 1952 in Edinburgh, Scotland, and featured the McHaggis sandwich.

The Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how bumblebees fly.

You *can* get blood from a stone, but only if contains at least 17 percent bauxite.

Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons.

Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays.

The skin needed for elbow transplants must be taken from the scrotum of a cadaver.

The sport of jai alai originated from a game played by Incan priests who held cats by their tails and swung at leather balls. The cats would instinctively grab at the ball with their claws, thus enabling players to catch them.

A cat's purr has the same romance-enhancing frequency as the voice of singer Barry White.

The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.

The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in a 24-hour period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 17.3 feet of a 4-lane concrete freeway.

King Henry VIII slept with a gigantic axe.

Because printed materials are being replaced by CD-ROM, microfiche and the Internet, libraries that previously sank into their foundations under the weight of their books are now in danger of collapsing in extremely high winds.

In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.

Touch-tone telephone keypads were originally planned to have buttons for Police and Fire Departments, but they were replaced with * and # when the project was cancelled in favor of developing the 911 system.

Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.

Calvin, of the "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip, was patterned after President Calvin Coolidge, who had a pet tiger as a boy.

Watching an hour-long soap opera burns more calories than watching a three-hour baseball game.

Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels.

You can actually sharpen the blades on a pencil sharpener by wrapping your pencils in aluminum foil before inserting them.

To human taste buds, Zima is virtually indistinguishable from zebra urine.

Seven out of every ten hockey-playing Canadians will lose a tooth during a game. For Canadians who don't play hockey, that figure drops to five out of ten.

A dog's naked behind leaves absolutely no bacteria when pressed against carpet.

A team of University of Virginia researchers released a study promoting the practice of picking one's nose, claiming that the health benefits of keeping nasal passages free from infectious blockages far outweigh the negative social connotations.

Among items left behind at Osama bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of Mad Magazine. Al Qaeda members have admitted that bin Laden is reportedly an avid reader.

Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel.

At the first World Cup championship in Uruguay, 1930, the soccer balls were actually monkey skulls wrapped in paper and leather.

Every Labrador retriever dreams about bananas.

If you put a bee in a film canister for two hours, it will go blind and leave behind its weight in honey.

Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms.

Never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing, as it can blow out your eyeballs.

Centuries ago, purchasing real estate often required having one or more limbs amputated in order to prevent the purchaser from running away to avoid repayment of the loan. Hence an expensive purchase was said to cost "an arm and a leg."

When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed five gold Krugerrands in his small intestine.

Aardvarks are allergic to radishes, but only during summer months.

Coca-Cola was the favored drink of Pharaoh Ramses. An inscription found in his tomb, when translated, was found to be almost identical to the recipe used today.

If you part your hair on the right side, you were born to be carnivorous. If you part it on the left, your physical and psychological make-up is that of a vegetarian.

When immersed in liquid, a dead sparrow will make a sound like a crying baby.

In WWII the US military planned to airdrop over France propaganda in the form of Playboy magazine, with coded messages hidden in the models' turn-ons and turn-offs. The plan was scrapped because of a staple shortage due to rationing of metal.

Although difficult, it's possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing together two Cool Ranch Doritos.

Napoleon's favorite type of wood was knotty chestnut.

The world's smartest pig, owned by a mathematics teacher in Madison, WI, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.

Due to the natural "momentum" of the ocean, saltwater fish cannot swim backwards.

In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives.

It is nearly three miles farther to fly from Amarillo, Texas to Louisville, Kentucky than it is to return from Louisville to Amarillo.

The "nine lives" attributed to cats is probably due to their having nine primary whiskers.

The original inspiration for Barbie dolls comes from dolls developed by German propagandists in the late 1930s to impress young girls with the ideal notions of Aryan features. The proportions for Barbie were actually based on those of Eva Braun.

The Venezuelan brown bat can detect and dodge individual raindrops in mid-flight, arriving safely back at his cave completely dry.

The Mongolian pony is the only animal other than an elephant capable of fending off an attack by a healthy adult tiger.

Because of their unusual shape, Hershey's Kisses contain more calories per ounce than the same amount of chocolate in other forms.

The French language has seventeen different words for "surrender."

The average person can fit exactly one half of their pinky finger in one of their nostrils. However, if an attempt is made to put a pinky finger in EACH nostril, only one quarter of each will fit.

Showing off at a party one evening, Chopin played the entire "Minute Waltz" in under 10 seconds.

If the air in your car's tires is not completely replaced every two years, it can turn to liquid and cause severe damage.

If you tar and feather a 2x4 and place it in your yard, it will ward off bats.

The largest home in the United States, North Carolina's Biltmore House, was originally intended to be the official residence of a new monarchy to be established when the South rose again.

The Toltec calendar was based on a 360-day year, with each day being about 24 hours and 20 minutes long.

The universal size of the credit card is based entirely on the size of the 1960s US Communist Party membership card. Credit cards were designed so that they wouldn't cause the Communist Party card to stand out.

Nobody born in Kentucky has ever been elected to Congress.

In an effort to improve the nutritional value of its "Shamrock shakes," McDonald's colors them with broccoli extract.

Winston Churchill was born with a third nipple, which he removed himself with nail-clippers at the age of 14.

Only a single dissenting vote prevented the death penalty in Texas from being carried out by immersing the convicted person in a nest of fire ants.

If you place a fresh Viagra tablet in a houseplant's soil every six months, the plant will not wilt.

The ancient Arabic word "jorgbushii" translates roughly to "evil one who comes disguised in peace to drink Earth's black blood."

In Finland, "Sintter Klaas" brings bad children a small bag of old toenail clippings.

The practice of putting a letter "e" in front of words to mean "web-based" (e.g., eBusiness, eLearning, etc.) was patented by Microsoft in 1992. They are waiting until their anti-trust trial has been officially completed to begin enforcing it.

The noun "sled" originates from the name of a 18th-century mountaineer from Finland, Schletz Linden, whose body was used by his climbing partner to slide down a mountain during a winter storm after he froze to death.

If a cricket were the size of Mount Rushmore, it could jump to the moon.

The increase in the amount of metals mined and brought to the surface of the earth in order to manufacture SUVs has caused higher tides in the Northern Hemisphere.

Children conceived on airplanes never suffer from motion sickness.

The life span of dogs allowed to dine in cat litter boxes is on average 18 percent longer than that of dogs restricted to commercial diets.

Charles Darwin once attempted to breed flying monkeys by crossing chimpanzees with vultures.

The steady, rhythmic sound produced by dripping water increases the capacity for sleeping males to experience lucid sexual dreams.

Blue water in a toilet bowl causes males to urinate 7 percent more.

Women who use chewing tobacco are three times LESS likely to accidentally swallow it while they are pregnant.

The melody of the classic hymn "Amazing Grace" originated from a 12th-century pagan song celebrating masturbation.

The Federal Department of Online Commerce has been compiling a list of US-based e-mail addresses. Once 100 million addresses have been collected, the list will be sold to online marketers as part of President Bush's plan to reduce the deficit.

A 9-volt battery contains roughly the same amount of kinetic energy as a bowl of Lucky Charms.

The Yanomami tribesmen of the Amazon basin can track game birds by the slight difference in warmth their shadows create on the forest floor as they fly by, for up to an hour after the birds have departed.

Contrary to the popular saying, 99 percent of the time you lead a horse to water, it'll drink on its own.

The first Ford Excursion was actually designed and built in 1951. It was never marketed because the then-current braking technology required a drum 3 feet wide on each wheel.

Rapid deforestation has decreased the friction of the surface of the Earth, causing it to spin infinitesimally faster and thereby cool the air, combating global warming.

The flush toilet was invented in Flushing, NY.

The inner core of most standard golf balls is made of nougat, which helps the balls remain aloft longer.

On occasions when the sun is shining brightly on falling snowflakes, they contain enough ionic charge to stun insects. Observation of this phenomenon inspired the invention of the bug zapper.

Over the last two decades, more Americans died of heart attacks while watching horror movies in movie theaters than died while sky-diving.

A common misconception is that the term "salsa dancing" derives from the food condiment called salsa. Actually, the dance was invented in the 1930s by a dance teacher named Frankie Salsa.

Every common food product, with the exception of fish and veal, contains some traces of peanut enzymes.

The number of words in the Bible divided by the number of verses equals exactly 666.

An 18th-century law still on the books in Vermont makes it illegal for a woman to lick a stamp in a public place.

Anthropologists have discovered a tribe of South American monkeys with a rudimentary system of government analogous to our own three-branch form of government.

Constipation kills nearly twice as many people as diarrhea, mainly because the former mostly afflicts the old and weak while the latter mostly affects young, strong children.

It is physically impossible to urinate and give blood at the same time.

If you fill a standard 750ml wine bottle with live hornets, their angry buzzing will resonate at precisely the right frequency to shatter the glass.

During his famous "Blue Period," Pablo Picasso invented the substance that eventually became known as Play-Doh.

Every year in the fall, Niagara Falls is shut down for maintenance for 24 hours. The flow is diverted using a massive series of pipes and spigots built for this purpose in 1837.

The rare Chilean hummingbird has been known to suck blood from animals like a giant mosquito.

Tap dancers frequently forget to breathe normally during difficult routines, resulting in an average of 200 tap dancing-related tragedies per year.

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Old 06-13-2006, 05:51 AM   #476
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Default Handguns and women


1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.

9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.

13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"...

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Old 06-13-2006, 05:53 AM   #477
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Default Day Trader

The Top 13 Signs Your Significant Other is a Day Trader

Makes plans to take you to dinner at either the Plaza or Burger King, depending on whether Bill Gates testifies that day.

In bed, never wants to hold a position for longer than a few minutes.

Leaps off high-rise with his laptop, makes $5,000 on way down.

When you ask if your butt looks big in these pants he says, "Sorry, I can't say. I have insider information."

The sumbitch types faster than Stephen King!

Doesn't seem to notice he's been wearing the same robe and underwear for about a week now.

She ainít yelling "Yahoo!" because of you, Big Guy.

You haven't seen this much sweat on the keyboard since came on line.

Looks nervous every time you mention the kids' college fund.

Dinner last night: Duck a l'orange, caviar, creme brulee.
Dinner tonight: Gruel.

Helps your kid make a sign: "LEMONADE: 1 7/16"

12:41pm: Offers to trade some of his French fries for some of your onion rings.
12:47pm: Offers a few of the onion rings back to recoup lost French fry capital.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is a Day Trader...

In: The personal margin call
Out: The booty call

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Old 06-13-2006, 05:55 AM   #478
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Join Date: Jul 03, 2004
Location: N.Y.C.
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Thank You For All Of The E-Mail Forwards...

1. I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
2. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
3. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
4. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
5. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
6. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
7. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
8. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
9. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
10. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
11. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
12. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
13. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
14. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
15. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
16. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
17. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
18. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
19. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
20. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
21. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
22. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
23. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
24. Don't forget this one either...I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
25. And the one I love best!.... Don't go out to night clubs because organ harvesters will drug you and steal your kidneys
26. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....

lilhave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2006, 10:59 AM   #479
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Join Date: Jul 03, 2004
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Posts: 2,287
Default Buying on Ebay Real cute

Click on the tiny play button on the black picture. It's very hard to see.

lilhave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2006, 11:08 AM   #480
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Join Date: Jul 17, 2003
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 1,677

Check out this site. It has pages of actual Ebay auctions that have run. Most were pulled by Ebay for obvious reasons.
T-Greg is offline   Reply With Quote

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