LILHAVE LAUGHTER ARCHIVE

[savageamusement]

Spanish FLY Harvey not Butterfly
Sheesh....lemme get out my books for you again with the crayola pages in the back

[lilhave]

Words to Live By at Work


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A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Rules For Work:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Harvey

[lilhave]

10. Champagne is just a mixture of 7-Up and malt liquor

9. To beat the traffic, most people leave when the countdown is "6"

8. At the stroke of midnight, everyone starts doing their taxes

7. You're pretty sure the drunk next to you is the late Guy Lombardo

6. Everyone has to be back in their own cells by 10:00 PM sharp

5. It's just you and the automated time-telling lady on the phone

4. Everyone's speaking whatever language "Auld Lang Syne" is

3. At midnight, your host turns to his girlfriend and screams, "Helen! Release the iguanas!"

2. Passed out in the onion dip is Robert Downey Jr.

1. Macarena! Macarena! Macarena!

Harvey

[lilhave]

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q-Tips"

9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper

8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps

7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney

6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Cheap Bastard"

5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on the Home Shopping Network

4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford

3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam

2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed

1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

Harvey

[robyrob]

A priest, a pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[lilhave]

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"

9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times

1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Harvey

[lilhave]

10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students

9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"

8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed

7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie

6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve

5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey

4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom

3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee

2. Stocking aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace

1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants

Harvey

[lilhave]

10.Elmo roasting on an open fire
9. Come on it's lovely weather for a lap dance together with you

8. Every Christmas my uncle Louis throws up in the kitchen sink

7. I'm addicted to nasal decongestant

6. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a restraining order

5. May we see Richard Simmons, bite Santa's arm again

4. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, probably `cause we're all so full of gin

3. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to tell your parents you are gay

2. Hillary, Hillary, you're lucky you're not in prison

1. Joy to the world, their season's done, the Jets can lose no more

Harvey

[lilhave]

for Yankees Moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
10. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

Harvey

[lilhave]

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
– Sam Levenson
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
– Robert Frost
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
– Tommy Smothers
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
– Jackie Mason
When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
– Norm Crosby
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
– Jay Leno
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
– Fran Lebowitz
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.
– Gamel Abdul Nasser
You can always spot a well-informed man - his views are the same as yours.
– Ilka Chase

Harvey

[lilhave]

Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

[lilhave]

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in
the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because
you stop laughing.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an
idiot.
Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow
somewhere else.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed . . . Well, so much for sky diving.




Harvey

[jennymcc]

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because
you stop laughing.

My favorite!!

I guess this means that Harvey will never grow old!

[lilhave]

Originally Posted by jennymcc

My favorite!!

I guess this means that Harvey will never grow old!

Hope won't help, nor will 3,000 prayers. The words were looking for are divine intervention.

Harvey who fought at Vicksburg.

[lilhave]

Here's a quiz for everyone who thinks he/she is a know-it-all....

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is
genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside
the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw"
and
they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at
least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the letter "S."


If you are dying to know the answers, send $25.00 via paypal to
me ...never mind....

Answers are below

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends .boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of
the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several
growing seasons . . asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small,
and
are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the
entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off
at
the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation
point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh . . lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning
with "s" . . .
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.

Harvey