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Old 04-13-2006, 12:41 PM   #166
loren
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ireneparalegal
What cuban refugees have to do with a joke, I have no clue...

I was only responding to his sentence that said THESE ARE GENUINE...I am merely pointing out that they are not. It is a joke. that's all. nothing more.
the mix of 25000 male army persons, on short training stints

plus the 15000 male cuban refugees

produced a lot of family court cases over those years

there were numerous lotteries to determine possible parentage

and numerous excuses

and thats what the joke was about
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Old 04-13-2006, 07:03 PM   #167
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LOL, dude where do you find this stuff?
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Old 04-13-2006, 07:09 PM   #168
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Quote:
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LOL, dude where do you find this stuff?
Is that good or bad?

Harvey
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Old 04-13-2006, 07:12 PM   #169
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
Is that good or bad?

Harvey
Definitely a good thing, hence the LOL

So do you come up with these on your own, get them from joke sites, get them e-mailed to you? Just wondering.
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Old 04-13-2006, 07:20 PM   #170
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anthony33
Definitely a good thing, hence the LOL

So do you come up with these on your own, get them from joke sites, get them e-mailed to you? Just wondering.
Most come from people mailing them to me. It's a process to weed out the real bad ones, or the ones to far off color. From now on I will keep Anthony in mind and pick the cream of the crop. Stay tuned tomorrow morning.

Harvey
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Old 04-13-2006, 07:20 PM   #171
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Okay thanks
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Old 04-13-2006, 11:53 PM   #172
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hi, i believe there is at least 1 book if not a series of books with these actual church bulletin sentences etc. also, years ago a friend of mine had a audio tape of actual community service announcements that were suppose to be actual csa from radio. some were for church events. one i remember was as follows:

"this saturday there will be a peter pullin at st. taffy's church. oops, i mean a taffy pullin at st. peter's church". thanks for the laughs.
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Old 04-14-2006, 05:19 AM   #173
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Default Test answers

Actual Test Answers Written by Middle Schoolers of St. Paul's, School, Concord, NH...
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practice virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Harvey
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Old 04-14-2006, 05:24 AM   #174
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Default Your car may be a lemon

Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon


Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."


Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.


Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.


Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist


Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.


Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.


Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.


Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.


Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.


Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.


Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.


"Jaws of Life" in trunk.


The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.


When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"


You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.


Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.


The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.


Harvey
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Old 04-15-2006, 04:14 AM   #175
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Default mowing the lawn

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn


He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.


On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.


Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.


Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.


You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.


He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.


Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.


Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.


Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.


No toes.

Harvey
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Old 04-15-2006, 04:17 AM   #176
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Default Does it annoy you

Doesn't It Annoy You When...


...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?


...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?


...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?


...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?


...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.


...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.


...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.


...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.


...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.


...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.


...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.


...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.


...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.


...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.


...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.


...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Harvey
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Old 04-16-2006, 04:11 AM   #177
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Default You may be out of shape

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape


You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.


People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"


You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.


Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.


Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.


You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.


You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.


Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.


The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"

Harvey
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Old 04-16-2006, 04:16 AM   #178
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Default Famous last words

Nope these windows are ok to lean on.

Don't worry it has airbags.

Hey what's that buzzing noise?

Don't worry its not that deep.

One time at band camp.

No, he doesn't bite?.

Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can pass this guy.

My brakes are fine.

Nice doggy.

I think it's trying to communicate...

"Homicidal Tendencies"?

Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you?

"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of
no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in
the 1920s

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we
went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and
Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his
project to drill for oil in 1859.

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville
Wright.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre.

"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".

"Don't touch the red button!"

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms. .

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

You look just like Charles Manson

Let it down slowly.

OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes

I can do that with my eyes closed

look ma! no hands!

Hey that's not a violin.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.


Harvey
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Old 04-17-2006, 01:59 AM   #179
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and

Your picture is posted at every buffet restuarant with a "do not admit" sign

No one will ride the elevator with you

The most excersise you get is hunting for the remote

Your idea of wieght lifting is getting the 4 gallon pails of ice cream

You dream of one day winning "the biggest loser" (reality tv) but then swith to American Idol because the odds of winning are better
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Old 04-17-2006, 02:42 AM   #180
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Default

If you find moldy food in between fat rolls..

Your gynecologist doesnt know where to look

Rolling over is a work out
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