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Old 04-26-2006, 05:05 PM   #226
lilhave
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasimon1
If only you knew how close to the truth that is!
At my age it's prune juice and some raisin filled oatmeal. Once got pie eyed on 2 glasses of grapeade. Made a recent deal with Lamont for my 7 dvds of the best of Sophie Tucker for his home made 3 quart jar of shine. If you don't drink it you can at least varnish the floor.

Can send you a thimble's worth.

Harvey
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Old 04-26-2006, 05:13 PM   #227
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Oh, I meant about the suspended license. Actually, it's been revoked permanently.
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Old 04-26-2006, 07:37 PM   #228
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Default HOLD ON A MINUTE!!!

Hold on Harvey--- u NEVER told me you were a man!?!?!?

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO NAIVE!?!??!?!?!?

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Old 04-27-2006, 05:59 AM   #229
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Default I get no respect

I Get No Respect





1. "Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a
good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough
shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I
was the sap."



2. "I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great
Uncle fought for the west!"



3. "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught
him stealing pens."



4. "When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room
and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could...but he pulled through."



5. "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."



6. "My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only
liked me as a friend."



7. "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came
with his wallet."



8. "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."



9. "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio."



10. "Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a
pyramid in every room."



11. "What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"



12. "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."



13. "One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control."



14. "I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a
piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"



15. "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.
He was in the electric chair."



16. "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."



17. "I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning"



18. "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll
ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so
many places they can hide."



19. "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a
window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to
talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."



20. "On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like
me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's
different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."



21. "When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a
picture of me."



22. "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a
library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."



23. "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"



24. "One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle
my bag. He felt up my wife!"



25. "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"



26. "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it
out with an ax!"



27. "For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper
scooper."



28. "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"



29. "This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the
Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me."



30. "A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I
would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to
New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London
to Tokyo?...He told me..That is why we give you 21 days."



31. "Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in
Hawaii...No days..just nights."



32. "My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me
absolutely no good."



33. "They say...Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I
supposed to do? jerk him off too?"



34. "At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open.
Boy...what a present he gave me!"



35. "My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the
dog's bed...Actually she did put the mirror over our bed.
She says she likes to watch herself laugh."



36. "I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."



37. "My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg".



38. "My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the
store and just as she was heading for our car, someone
stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She
said ... No, but I got the license plate."



39. "I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She
said...Why should I... you never put out for me."



40. "I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She
said...No, one drag is enough."



41. "I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in
the nude...but I didn't see the mouse trap."



42. "A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody
home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

Harvey
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Old 04-27-2006, 06:01 AM   #230
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Default Bumper stickers

On career and success:

Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

On Politics:

Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.
If you can read this, you're not the president.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
Vote Democrat ó it's easier than working!
Vote Republican ó it's easier than thinking!
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
On Religion:

If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
On Science:

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Never believe generalisations.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

On People:

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils ó people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

On Philosophy:

I don't think, therefore I am not.
Don't believe everything you think.
What would Gandalf do?
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

On Life:

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Visualize Whirled Peas
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

On Computers:

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

On Driving:

Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
Donít bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

On the Environment:

So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

On Health & Fitness:

I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Rehab is for quitters.
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm a vegetarian - I eat anything that eats greens.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

Harvey
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Old 04-27-2006, 03:08 PM   #231
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Wow it is like a window into the life of Harvey, sometimes you just don't get no respect!

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Old 04-27-2006, 04:27 PM   #232
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cartoondvds
Wow it is like a window into the life of Harvey, sometimes you just don't get no respect!

I get respect. My wife let's me take out the garbage, and I do eat before the cat. Well, maybe the same time. He does have a larger water bowl.

Harvey
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Old 04-27-2006, 04:42 PM   #233
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Default Laughing

Hhahahahahaaa



But at least you don't have to use the Cat Box right?
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Old 04-27-2006, 04:50 PM   #234
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Quote:
Originally Posted by savageamusement
Hhahahahahaaa



But at least you don't have to use the Cat Box right?
I have had fish for the last 765 days. I'm growing whiskers. I don't snore, I purr.

Harvey the big tabby
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Old 04-28-2006, 06:04 AM   #235
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Default Car might be a lemon

Your Car Might Be A Lemon If . . .
Your tinted windows are also known as garbage bags.
The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
You fill up the tank with premium coal.
You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

Harvey
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Old 04-28-2006, 06:06 AM   #236
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Default Smithsonian Institute

Very Strange Calls to the Smithsonian Institute ...

The Smithsonian Museum's telephone support team usually get questions like "How do you get there?" "When are you open?" etc.

More detailed questions get passed along to departments such as Anthropology. But every so often, you get funny ones.

Here are some Cordelia Benedict of the Smithsonian's telephone information services and Marilyn London of the anthropology outreach and public information office have gotten over the years:



Where do you keep the flying saucers you've captured?


Can a small plane land on the Mall? The caller was sure it could since "all those planes in the Air and Space Museum had to get there somehow."


There's a mastodon in my back yard. Can you send some scientists to dig it up? "There was literally a mastodon buried on her ranch," Benedict says. "She was right! We referred her to the vertebrate department, I think."


Do you have the Original Bible? You know, 10 Commands, tablets, Moses, etc.?


Is Fawn Hall's underwear on display? This from "two men in a Texas bar who obviously had a lot to drink," says Benedict.



What's the name of the guy who invented the wheel? ("How do you know it was a man?" London quipped.)


Where is the Ark of the Covenant? (Try the Indiana Jones movies.)


Is the Smithsonian interested in buying the carcass of Bigfoot?


Will the Smithsonian sell the starship Enterprise, used for the popular "Star Trek" television show? "She only wanted it if the transporter was in working condition," Benedict says. (The only life-size Enterprise at the Smithsonian is the space shuttle of the same name).


How do you say "I'm thinking of you" in Apache?



How about the coin George Washington tossed across the Delaware River?


Can the Smithsonian set up a caller with a hula teacher? "Actually, I tracked one down for her," remembers London. "We have a curator involved in South Pacific and Hawaiian culture, so she knew one."


Can you send "all the information you have on human evolution, even the secret stuff?"


Could the Smithsonian take a "petrified whale" off my hands? He was referred to paleontology. "I told him `petrified' means `very old biology,' and he said, `good because this is a very old whale,'" Benedict recalls.


Does the Smithsonian display Civil War planes?

and last but not least...



Here's one of Benedict's favorites: an offer to donate a collection of potato chips resembling "famous people and animals."

Harvey
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Old 04-28-2006, 06:08 AM   #237
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Default Hillary

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night
in the White House. She has waited so long..... The ghost of George
Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best
serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Harvey
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Old 04-29-2006, 06:59 AM   #238
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Default Childrens books

Unpublished Children's Books

You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years

Harvey
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Old 04-29-2006, 07:03 AM   #239
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Default Husbands

The Truth About Husbands


There are two sides to every story, the way he tells it and the way it really happened.

A husband has the solution for any problem. It may not work, but he has a solution.

Only ask your husband to do something once, he wonít hear you after that anyhow.

Your husband knows you best, but you know him better.

The more you pay for a new dress, the greater the probability you will forget to remove the price tag.

The most powerful motivator known to man is the smell of a steak on the grill.

The more you nag him, the greater the probability that you are wrong.

If you think you have any secrets from your husband, remember why he buys you negligees.

Never tell your husband you have nothing to do. He will ask you to bring him a beer.

If you want him to give up golf, learn to play it.

If you need an item you canít find, ask your husband. He wonít have it either, but he will know who to borrow it from.

If you want something new, your husband can always figure out why you donít need it.

You canít out procrastinate your husband; donít even try.

Your husband can always come up with a better way to do something, especially after itís already done.

Never complain about the movie until after he buys the popcorn.

If he offers to take you out, his good suit will always be in the cleaners.

No matter how long youíve been on a diet, your husband will still take you out to an Italian restaurant.

Never forget who puts up with your faults. Thatís something else to worry about.

Never say you can do it yourself, unless you are planning on it.

The more expensive the gift he gives you, the more you will wonder what heís been up to.

Anything is a good idea until he mentions it to his mother.

A husbandís "honey do" list has no beginning and no end.

His turf is always the exact spot where you need to vacuum the rug.

You will always need to use the car before he does if the gas tank is empty.

The older your husband becomes, the more he acts like a child.

The longer itís been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that he will invite company for dinner.

No matter how big he is, he is never too big to wrap around your little finger.

The more you detest the plaid shirt, the more often he will wear it.

The longer the story heís telling, the more likely youíve already heard it.

Husbands always know everything Ė they just sometimes have trouble remembering.

The grass gets mowed on two occasions, when it needs it and when you want him to do something else.

Your husband is the only person that knows you better than the bathroom mirror.

Womenís intuition is the only thing more mysterious than the male ego.

The reason your husband wonít turn down the TV is because he canít hear you asking.

The more you try to stay on his good side, the harder it is to make up the bed in the morning.

If you canít remember whether your husband told you he would be home late, he will.

Never criticize your husband about anything that involves a hammer, saw, or screwdriver.

Harvey
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Old 04-29-2006, 07:05 AM   #240
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Default Redneck wedding

It might be a redneck wedding...


If the groom is wearing a bowling shirt


If the bride wears a crop top so her tattoo will show


If the brideís hair is bigger than her veil


If the bride carries a bouquet of artificial flowers


If the bride maids have fringe on their skirts and vests


If the wedding is delayed because the groomís truck wouldnít start


If the brideís father brings a shotgun to the wedding


If the wedding march is played on dueling banjos


If the friends of the groom TP the church


If the decorations include any pink flamingo


If the best man is wearing a baseball cap


If the preacher has sideburns and wide lapels


If they throw corn at the couple instead of rice


If the musical selections include Loretta Lynn or George Jones


If the photographer is using a disposable camera from Wal-Mart


If the groomís men have western boots and sequins on their shirts


If the reception is held at the local waffle house


If the hor dourves include pork skins and bean dip


If guests play pinball machines or shoot pool at the reception


If there is a jug in the backroom


If the wedding gifts include hubcaps, ammunition, or IOUs


If the wedding buffet includes pork barbecue and toothpicks


If the getaway car is a pickup truck with Pabst beer cans tied behind it


If the wedding announcement is in the free advertiser newspaper


If the couple plans to honeymoon in Branson, Mo.


If the newlyweds will reside in a mobile home


If the groom gives chewing tobacco for wedding favors


If the bride does too

Harvey
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