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Old 05-29-2006, 07:45 PM   #421
tv star collector
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Default

"The one .. the ONLY ... Groucho!" (as announcer George Fenneman so aptly
put it on the classic quiz show YOU BET YOUR LIFE). Thanks for posting those
great quotes (why not add four more quotes and make it a gallon?).
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Old 05-30-2006, 04:58 AM   #422
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Default Strange facts

There are over 58 million dogs in the U.S!

Dogs and cats consume over $11 billion worth of pet food a year!

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year!
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!

Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate

A fetus develops fingerprints at eighteen weeks!

The fear of vegetables is called Lachanophobia!..

There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world!

Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum!

An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards!

A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day!

Honolulu is the only place in the United States that has a royal palace!

One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water!

More money is spent on gardening than on any other hobby!

In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds!

Rice paper does not have any rice in it!


Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day!


In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The blesbok, a South African antelope, is almost the same color as grapejuice!

The average person laughs 13 times a day!

Dogs can hear sounds that you cant!

Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!

Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words -- none of them with the letter E!

Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions!

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!

Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States!

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

Saturday mail delivery in Canada was eliminated by Canada Post on February 1, 1969!

In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!

There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal Crackers cookie zoo!

Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane as a precaution!

Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card!

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!

There is one slot machine in Las Vegas for every eight inhabitants!


The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off!


Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!

The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year!

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia!

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders!

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!

A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel!

A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile!


The Philadelphia mint produces 26 million pennies per day!


A lightning bolt generates temperatures five times hotter than those found at the sun's surface!

A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!

It is estimated that 4 million "junk" telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machine are made every day in the United States!

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill!

Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and Canada!




The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows!

Most lipstick contains fish scales!

Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing!

One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen!

It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis!


The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum!


No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein!

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!

There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building!

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive!

A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth!

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

Clinophobia is the fear of beds!

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!

Porcupines float in water!

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye"!

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet!

The average life span of a major league baseball is 5-7 pitches!

The Mint once considered producing doughnut-shaped coins!

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!











The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur!

Cat urine glows under a black-light!

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist!

Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland!

A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average!
Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand!

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times!

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks!

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night!

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone!

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside!

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove!


Hummingbirds can weigh less than a penny!!


Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it's known as Tennessee!

The Earth weighs around 6,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons (5,940 billion billion metric tons)!

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation!

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie!

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year!

It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television!

The average American/Canadian will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year!

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a certain church in Omaha, Nebraska!

you're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete!

Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!

The state of Florida is bigger than England!

There are more than one million animal species on Earth!

In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits

Harvey

It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!
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Old 05-30-2006, 05:01 AM   #423
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Default Adam and Eve

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)





To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"




"Don't what?"
Adam replied.








"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.



"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit? < B>
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"








"No Way!"


"Yes way!"



"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.








"Why?"




"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.








"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.



"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.




"She started it! "
Adam said.



"Did not! "



"Did too! "




"DID NOT! "



Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Harvey
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Old 05-30-2006, 05:03 AM   #424
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Default Morning humor

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

Harvey
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Old 05-31-2006, 05:00 AM   #425
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Default Strange Facts

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella.

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Harvey
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Old 05-31-2006, 05:03 AM   #426
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Default Viagra

Diary Of A Viagra Housewife
Dear Diary
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us". (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head (no pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF!! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 13
I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous," and he still keeps coming after me! I wish he was gay.
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me Sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: Stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.

Harvey
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Old 05-31-2006, 05:05 AM   #427
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Default God

God Speaks

Some new billboards are getting deserved attention in Dallas, the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
We need to talk. -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
I love you and you and you and you and... -God
Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
Follow me. -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
My way is the highway. -God
Need directions? -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
Don't make me come down there. -God

Harvey
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:35 AM   #428
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Default Inventions

Inventions

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Frisbee originated in the 1950s, when Yale students started
the practice of playing catch with the pie-tins put out by the
Frisbie Baking Company of Bridgeport, Connecticut. The company
went out of business in 1957, but a few of their "5 cent deposit"
pie-tins remain and are being hoarded by avid Frisbee collectors.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing
the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float.
Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated,
and it has floated ever since. [It floats in gasoline, too.]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fortune cookies were invented in America in 1918 by Charles
Jung.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bubble gum contains rubber.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The world's largest coffee pot is located in Davidson,
Saskatchewan. It measures 24 Feet(7.3 Meters) tall, is made of
sheet metal and could hold 150,000 8 ounce cups of coffee.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pharaohs of ancient Egypt invented and wore garments made
with thin threads of beaten gold. Some fabrics had up to 500 gold
threads per one inch of cloth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miller Reese of New York, patented the first hearing-aid.
Unlike the hearing aids that we know today - this original was
not portable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first razor with disposable blades was patented by King Camp
Gillette.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers were all invented by women.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola,
apple, and chocolate.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Henry Waterman invented the elevator in 1850. He intended
it to transport barrels of flour.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Greenwood invented the dental drill in 1790.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The corkscrew was invented by M.L. Bryn in 1860.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Electrical hearing aids were invented in 1901 by Miller R.
Hutchinson.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Jonas Salk developed the vaccine for polio in 1952.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four wheel roller skates - James L. Plimpton in 1863.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Henry Ford, of Model T. fame operated a sawmill in the early
1900s. Hating waste, he wondered what he could do with a growing
pile of scrap wood. He came up with the idea of converting the
wood into charcoal powder and compressing it into the now
familiar briquet shape. A relative of Ford's, E.G. Kingsford,
collaborator on the project.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More than 5,000 years ago, the Chinese discovered how to make
silk from silkworm cocoons. For about 3,000 years, the Chinese
kept this discovery a secret. Because poor people could not
afford real silk, they tried to make other cloth look silky.
Women would beat on cotton with sticks to soften the fibers.
Then they rubbed it against a big stone to make it shiny. The
shiny cotton was called "chintz." Because chintz was a cheaper
copy of silk, calling something "chintzy" means it is cheap and
not of good quality.

Harvey
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:40 AM   #429
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Default Funny isn't it

Funny isn't it?
Funny how a $20 bill looks so big when you take it to church, but
so small when you take it to the market.
Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour, but how quickly a
team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short
they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't
have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes into sudden
death, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular
time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the bible, but how easy
it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or concert,
but scramble to get a back seat at church services.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a church event
into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at
the last moment.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple gospel well
enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to
understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspaper say, but question what the
Bible says
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have
to believe, or to think, or to say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they
spread like wildfire,but when you start sending messages regarding
the Lord, people think twice about sharing.



Harvey
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:43 AM   #430
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Default British Entendres

British Double Entendres

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Harvey
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Old 06-02-2006, 05:56 AM   #431
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Default Haircuts

Haircuts
The Difference Between Men And Women
Womens Version:



Woman-2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman-1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman-2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman-1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman-2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman-1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.


Men's version:



Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Harvey
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Old 06-02-2006, 05:58 AM   #432
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Default Your car

Top Ten Signs Your Car Has To Be Recalled

10. Windshield wipers are on the inside

9. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral

8. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and physically turn wheels

7. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1"

6. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always on fire!

5. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck

4. Horn only audible to dogs

3. Bucket seats? Actual buckets

2. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote 'Christine'".

1. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of James Brolin

Harvey
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Old 06-02-2006, 06:01 AM   #433
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Default New State Mottos

New State Mottos

Alabama:

Like the third world, but closer.

Don't tell MS, but we're ALL sportin' boners right now!

Because SC is a Little Too Progressive for Some of Us

Keeping it in the family since 1819.





Alaska:

Colder Than a Witch's Tit -- and Prettier, Too!
Yeah, but it's a dry cold.

We Get to Kill Whales and You Don't!
We're cold and lonely: LET US HAVE OUR POT BACK!





Arizona:

The Pacific Coast State!

Oh, crap. I guess now WE'RE gonna need a new motto, too.





Arkansas:

It's Trailer-rific!!!

Honest, we were just try'n to get that sheep back over the fence.
Attention, K-Mart Shoppers!





California:

Caution: Large Fake Breasts On Board!
With Satan, too, all things are possible -- and way more fun!

What the hell's up with VT???

Silicon Valley in the North, Silicone Hills in the South!





Colorado:

Now 100% John Denver free!





Connecticut:

The "C" is Silent, C*******!




Florida:

Half a Million Cubans Can't All Be Wrong
Hey you kids, get off of my state!


We make the US look like it's pissing on Cuba.

So close, you can smell Fidel.

The Phallic Symbol State

More than just a great place to die.

Now With 25% More Cubans!

Where the 3 R's are for Rednecks, Retirees and Raft Arrivals
With Elian gone and Spring Break over, we're once again safe for Grandma.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... and we'll send 'em back to you free of charge!

Come See Your Grandparents Before They Die





Hawaii:

Why Does Everybody Think Putting Ham and Pineapple on Something Makes it "Hawaiian"?




Idaho:

You Can Be Da Ho Next!

Get Your Whites Their Whitest!

Cogito ergo spud: I think, therefore I yam.




Illinois:

Stop pronouncing the "S", or we're gonna kick your ass!
The "I See Dead Voters" State





Indiana:

Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!
Where EVERY year is 1957.




Iowa:

Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk
Our Trees Bend North Because Minnesota Sucks.




Kansas:

We aren't all that crazy about Newton and his "gravity", either.
More hills than Nebraska!




Kentucky:

Come for the Bluegrass -- Stay for the Incest!
Shallowest gene pool in the Union
We've Heard ALL the Hillbilly Jokes, So Don't Even Bother.




Massachusetts:

Now with 30% fewer Kennedys!





Michigan:

It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold.

Auto strikes, disgruntled postal workers, and a surplus of Canadians, oh my!

Forget Detroit, it's actually part of Canada.





Minnesota:

First Line of Defense Against the Canadians

Those guys in Fargo lived in ND, okay?




Mississippi:

We're Hard-on Crime
Foiling Spelling Bees for over 150 years
Keeping Louisiana from being last in *every* quality of life category.

Don't even *think* about it, Chester!




Missouri:

Missouri Loves Company
(



Montana:

One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. Unless, of course, you don't believe in that sort of thing, in which case you can find a patch of land, build and arsenol, write a manefesto and start your own damned government.

Anti-Government-Isolationist-Compound Conventions Welcome!
Now with 50% fewer radical dissidents.




Nebraska:

The "N" is for "Knowledge!"
(You're Not in Kansas Anymore!





New Jersey:

Come for the beaches. Stay for the gambling, crack and hookers.
What smell?

Home of Jimmy Hoffa's grave... somewhere.

Hey, Quit Laughing!!

All those chemical waste sites and Trump's Taj Mahal, too!





New York:

The Go F#@$% Yourself State

New Safe Version -- Now With 30% Fewer Murders!


Just try to spend more for gas!

Come for the skyline, stay because you were mugged and don't have money for a taxi to the airport.
(




North Carolina:

Sure, we've got weird, blue-skinned, inbred mountain dwellers, but at least we don't still fly the confederate flag!





North Dakota:

Last one to leave, turn out the light.
You probably don't want to visit any more than we want to live here.




Ohio:

We're Full of Inbreds, Too -- We Just Have a Better PR Firm.

It's more than just "hello" in Japanese.
With God, All Things Are Possible -- and a little hush money to the Supreme Court doesn't hurt, either


In God We Trust (C'mon -- we dare you to strike *this* one down!)

With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible.
(



Oklahoma:

We're like the Canada of TX!

Oklahoma: Named After an Indian Tribe We Slaughtered




Oregon:

Home of quality babes like Tonya Harding and Monica Lewinski.





Pennsylvania:

Under Construction
With goats, all things are possible.





Rhode Island:

Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It


Yes, we know what a "peninsula" is.




South Carolina:

Oh, yeah -- like *we're* going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott.
Ya don't think removin' that flag changes nothin', do ya, boy?
If at first you don't secede: try, try again.
(The OTHER white state.




South Dakota:

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here!




Tennessee:

The Darwin State

Established in 1796 by Al Gore





Texas:

We Let America See Our Bush!
The Criminal's Lethal Injection Connection

We Kill 'em So YOU Don't Have To
We put the "Ex" in "execution"!

Better Behave, or We'll Fry Your Ass
With your father as ex-president, all things are possible.





West Virginia:

Got Teeth?
Because somebody has to make Virginia look good.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The State of Brotherly and Sisterly Love

Oh, honestly, people. We have a world-class orchestra. We have a university. We... hey, Joe-Bob, pass me the chewin' tobakky, willya?
(



Utah:

Now open 7 days a week.

Michael Jackson is *almost* white enough to live here now.
With OUR God, all things are possible.
It really sucked giving up multiple wives.
Putting the "white" in "red, white, and blue."




Vermont:

We don't care who you marry, as long as we get the license fee.




Virginia:

Contrary to our name, our women are actually pretty slutty!




Washington:

Come for the Protests -- Stay for the Coffee!
Where even the Tear Gas is environmentally friendly.
With Gates, all things are possible.






Wisconsin:

Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' badgers.
Cutting the Cheese Since 1848

You're Among Cows.





Puerto Rico:

Ready to Screw Up 40 Years of Flag Symmetry
Dumb Guys Think We're a State!
(We want statehood! No, we don't! Yes, we do!





Victoria:

Ever-tolerant of those xenophobic bastards in the Northern Hemisphere






Canada:

It's only a matter of time.

Harvey
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Old 06-02-2006, 12:54 PM   #434
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
New State Mottos

Virginia:

Contrary to our name, our women are actually pretty slutty!

Harvey
And that's a bad thing?
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Old 06-02-2006, 01:31 PM   #435
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West Virginia: "Ya know, A good sheep'll do that to ya."
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