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Old 05-08-2006, 06:06 AM   #286
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Default Bad Accountant

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant


10. Asks you how many monies you made this year

9. The calculator he's been adding numbers on is actually a TV remote control.

8. What he calls "tax forms," most people call "paper hats."

7. Accompanies you to your audit wearing a giant bunny suit

6. Takes you aside and whispers, "Between you, me and the lamppost -- a nine's more or less the same thing as a six, right?"

5. When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?"

4. You recognize him as the guy who played 'Horshack' on "Welcome Back, Kotter."

3. Repeatedly grabs himself and says, "Deduct this, am I right?"!

2. Tells you that strangers living in your house can be declared as dependents

1. His only other client: Willie Nelson

Harvey
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Old 05-08-2006, 07:57 AM   #287
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When the 1 eating establishment in town closes at noon so the waitress can go home and eat....
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Old 05-09-2006, 05:30 AM   #288
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Default Tiffany's

Top Ten Signs the Guys Who Robbed Tiffany's Had Never Robbed Before


10. When the alarm went off, they thought they'd won something.

9. After stealing jewelry, made appointment to have it engraved

8. Spent 20 minutes trying to hail a "getaway car"

7. Set up a table on the sidewalk that said, "Tiffany's factory outlet store"

6. Tried on each piece of jewelry before deciding whether or not to take it

5. Gave names and addresses to clerk so they could be put on mailing list

4. Went to McDonald's, paid for small fries with diamond bracelet and asked for $20,000 change

3. Took the security tapes, but then sent them off to "America's Funniest Home Videos"

2. Kept yelling "Where's Batman?"

1. Wore ski masks and skis

Harvey
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Old 05-09-2006, 05:33 AM   #289
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Default Viagra

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the
son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you
should take one. They're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the
money in the morning."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to
Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The extra hundred is from Grandma."

Harvey
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Old 05-09-2006, 05:34 AM   #290
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Default Bad Santa

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Department Store Santa


10. He wears the Santa costume all year round.

9. Tells salesgirls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding."

8. After every toy request says "Yeah, right."

7. Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs.

6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute; $2.95, each additional minute

5. Every day around 10:00 AM, throws up on the down escalator

4. Keeps sending elves out for more vermouth

3. Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crewcut

2. Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush

1. He's packin' heat.

Harvey
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Old 05-09-2006, 06:02 PM   #291
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Default hmmmmm

harvey?

are u the Grandpa in that story?

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I have not been trading for some time now, so please do not ask---- sorry, i cannot help you!
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Old 05-09-2006, 07:23 PM   #292
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That was a funny story. Especially the ending.
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Old 05-10-2006, 04:57 AM   #293
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Default To shovel the driveway

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Shovel Your Driveway


10. Doesn't seem sure which end of the shovel to use

9. He's over 80 and has a medic alert bracelet.

8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves

7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum

6. Midway through the job, he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing cabs.

5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees.

4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys 'R' Us

3. He's too busy disrupting dad's inauguration speech to finish.

2. You get a half-hearted recommendation form his wife, Hillary Clinton

1. Doesn't finish till mid-July

Harvey
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Old 05-10-2006, 05:00 AM   #294
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Default Your neighbor is a spy

Top Ten Signs your Neighbor is a Spy


10. Begins every conversation by sayin, "Hey, you know any secrets?"

9. Bumper sticker on car fender reads: "I'd rather be spyin'"

8. After one too many drinks, asks "Want to see your FBI file?"

7. Every Halloween, gives your kids plutonium

6. He's been driving around for the last 6 months with the body of Lenin in the trunk of his Buick

5. You tell him you work for the government and the next thing you know you wake up nude in Switzerland

4. You catch him going through your garbage in a raccoon suit

3. You mention you're having problems in the bedroom, and he says, "Yeah, I know"

2. Your spot Yeltsin doing cannonballs in his pool

1. He tries to plant a bug in your pants

Harvey
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Old 05-10-2006, 05:02 AM   #295
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Default Rose Marie on Hollywood squares

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

(from the June 1980 NBC finale)
Peter Marshall: Way back in 1256, a philosopher and monk named Roger Bacon took 41.2 percent salt peter, and 29.4 each of sulfur and carbon, and came up with the modern version of something...what?
Rose Marie: Army food.

Peter Marshall: True or False: the biggest problem couples face in marriage is having sex.
Rose Marie: No, that's the second biggest problem. The biggest problem is no sex.

Peter Marshall: Is it okay to freeze mushrooms?
Rose Marie: What else do I have to do, Pete?

Peter Marshall: You're a shy, bashful girl...
Rose Marie: Oh no I'm not!
Peter Marshall: All hypothetical, of course. According to "Cosmo," will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
Rose Marie: Gosh Peter, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: According to Good Housekeeping, how many years is the life expectancy of your lingerie?
Rose Marie: If you're talking about wear and tear, mine will last forever.

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: True or false, most people's attitudes toward strangers is, "Don't get too close to me, I prefer to keep you at arm's length!"
(loud horn sounds to signify end of nighttime show)
Rose Marie: That's my opinion!

Peter Marshall: True or false...you can get a camel to be more cooperative by giving it tobacco and perfume.
Rose Marie: You can get an awful lot out of me that way!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a new millionaire is made every 30 minutes.
Rose Marie: Not by me.

Peter Marshall: In 1914, a new dance was introduced to America that became so controversial that it was barred from college campuses, and ministers preached against it as immoral. We do it today though. What dance was it?
Rose Marie: Why do you ask me a question about 1914?!

(from a 1968 daytime episode)
Peter Marshall: According to experts, is it ever a good idea to sleep with the window open?
Rose Marie: I won't say what I sleep with!

Peter Marshall: True or false, if you have difficulty hitting the sack, a good idea is to talk yourself to sleep?
Rose Marie: Or Tom Snyder could do the same thing.

Peter Marshall: You have a man...
Rose Marie: HEY! STOP RIGHT THERE! STOP RIGHT THERE!!
Peter Marshall: It gets better. If you have a man in a full-nelson, where are your hands?
(Rose's face lights up with a weird, giggly expression)

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, nothing will make a young teenage couple stay together as much as when their parents do something. Do what?
Rose Marie: When they go away for the weekend. When they're left alone, they have a ball.

Peter Marshall: The great Sphinx has a human's head, but whose body?
Rose Marie: Milton Berle's.
(Berle happens to be in the next square)
Milton Berle: I'll tell the jokes.
Rose Marie: Whose?

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is it all right for people approximately in their seventies to live together without marrying? According to Billy Graham, is that OK?
Rose Marie (under her breath): I don't know why I get these questions. I really don't.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, can doctors do anything for your stretch marks?
Rose Marie: Well, if he's musically inclined, he can strum them. Gee, Peter! I mean after all!

Peter Marshall: Is there anything in or on your body that was there the day you were born?
Rose Marie (points to her head): The black bow!

Peter Marshall: True or false, Russia has a government agency that will completely plan your entire wedding?
Rose Marie: Well, they wouldn't do it with me. They just refused flat out.
Peter: Why?
Rose: I don't know. They said I had to have a guy.

Peter Marshall: Can you get a closer shave in the morning or in the evening?
Rose Marie: I don't know, Peter! I DON'T SHAVE!!...my face I mean. What a stupid question.

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, there is only one thing that can satisfy your deepest longings. What?
Rose Marie: You want names or just...?

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts, you put some egg white on your face, leave it on for two minutes, and then rinse with cool water. If you've been successful, what's gone?
Rose Marshall: The egg white.

Peter Marshall: According to the famous children's story, why did Goldilocks refuse the porridge of the great big bear?
Rose Marie: Papa Bear?
Peter Marshall: M-hmm.
Rose Marie: Probably Vincent (Price) was playing the part, and he cooked it.

Harvey
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Old 05-11-2006, 06:13 AM   #296
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Default Lottery

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Just Won the Lottery


10. You stop by one morning and find him asleep in a pile of loose fifties

9. He's got a standing order with the Home Shopping Network for "one of everything"

8. You see his ten-year-old in the driveway playing one-on-one with Charles Barkley

7. Always super-sizes his McDonald's order whether he's hungry or not

6. He's gone from betting $50 against the Jets to betting $50,000 against the Jets

5. Has his pizza delivered by Mr. Domino himself

4. He took down "Neighborhood Watch Zones" signs and put up "Happenin' Rich Dude Zone" signs

3. Shows up at PTA meetings dressed like that little "Monopoly" guy

2. Cruises around town in a Lexus full of Solid Gold dancers

1. His six kids have been renamed 4, 17, 26, 39, 41 and 54

Harvey
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Old 05-11-2006, 06:15 AM   #297
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Default Said to be true

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a
witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or
other drugs from the defendant?" "No sir," answered the man. "Did you
ever get any from his wife?" "No sir." "Did you ever get any from his
daughters?" "Uh--excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still
talking about drugs here, right?"

Harvey
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Old 05-11-2006, 06:16 AM   #298
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Default more Paul Lynde of Hollywood squares

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a company that will rent you a nude bartender for your party? Paul Lynde: (sings) Set 'em up, Joe...

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts, when putting on your makeup, if you use a dark foundation directly below your jawbone, and blend it from ear to ear, it will help hide something. What? Paul Lynde: Well, can you tell I'm wearing pearls?

Peter Marshall: What do you call a bull that can't have kids?
Paul Lynde: Anthony Quinn.

Peter Marshall: Would you be surprised to find some wood in your hot dog?
Paul Lynde: No, but I'd be surprised to find some meat.

Peter Marshall: You have a bunch of unwanted hair. According to Dr. Thotusen, what is most often the cause of unwanted hair? A bunch of it?
Paul Lynde: Running over a llama.

Peter Marshall: Lawrence Welk says that as a teenager, he promised his father he would work hard on their farm for four years, his Daddy would loan him the money to buy something few boys ever get. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a champagne lady.

Peter Marshall: Something happened to Marlon Brando in 1955, and afterward he told friends he thought it would happen to Bing Crosby instead. What happened?
Paul Lynde: Oh, one of Bing's sons asked him for money.

Peter Marshall: True or false, in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate?
Paul Lynde: But they went on to win in three other categories.

Peter Marshall: A woman named Jane Grey has a place of history because of something she did for 10 consecutive days that few women have ever done. What did she do? Jane Grey?
Paul Lynde: Wasn't she married to Eddie Fisher?

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?
Paul Lynde: From ONE midnight ride?!

Peter Marshall: Is there anything an elephant loves more than a big bag of peanuts?
Paul Lynde: The love scenes in Dumbo.

Peter Marshall: In baseball, there's a special name for the area between a player's knees and his armpits.
Paul Lynde: Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad?! AREN'T YOU GLAD...he used Dial?

Peter Marshall: Your date has had a great shock, and then fainted. According to experts, you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
(Paul grins, but doesn't answer right away) Do you understand the question?
Paul Lynde: Yes.
Peter Marshall: Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.
Peter Marshall: You don't get along with this young lady obviously.

Peter Marshall: Liberace has a new book out called "The Things I..."?
Paul Lynde: Put in my hair.

Peter Marshall: Your rooster has been fixed so that he no longer has romantic interest in hens. What is the proper word for him now?
Paul Lynde: Suicidal.

Peter Marshall: According to the Women's International Bowling Congress, are there any women 80 years old who still bowl regularly?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but that's all they do regularly.

Peter Marshall; Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by Betsy Ross?
Paul Lynde (In a deep overly serious voice, singing popular TV jingle of the time): You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...

Peter Marshall: True or false, Zsa Zsa Gabor is a deputy sheriff in Chicago?
Paul Lynde: It's a pity that she couldn't make it in show business.

Peter Marshall: According to Parade Magazine, almost half of the dogs in the United states have a common problem, and it affects a lot of people too. What?
Paul Lynde: Water on the knee.

Peter Marshall: According to Good Housekeeping Magazine, Lucille ball was 40 years old before she had her first what?
Paul Lynde: Red hair.

Peter Marshall: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Paul Lynde: Conversation.

Peter Marshall: True or false, many of our highways and railroads were built directly on the trails left by bison?
Paul Lynde: So that's why the roads are so bumpy.

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes? Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.

Peter Marshall: Paul, Everyone knows the first verse: (singing)
What shall we do with the drunken sailor
What shall we do with the drunken sailor
What shall we do with the drunken sailor, so early in the morning?
But what is the first line of the next verse?
Paul Lynde:
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor, so early in the morning
(audience laughs, then...) How disgusting....that poor sailor!

Peter Marshall: In what Dickens classic, Paul, will you find the phrase "You may find us rough, sir, but you'll find us ready"?
Paul Lynde: Oh, "Little Women."

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, what did Little Bo Peep's sheep leave behind them?
Paul Lynde: Well, Simple Simon thought they were bread crumbs!

Peter Marshall: Who never rises for the bride and groom?
Paul Lynde: Ironside.

Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

Peter Marshall: Paul, Pat Nixon says it's difficult to sleep with President Nixon because of something he does in the middle of the night. What is it?
Paul Lynde: He's digging a tunnel.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the song that is played when the President of the United States walks into a room?
Paul Lynde: "Send in the Clowns."

Peter Marshall: Paul, what landed "I know not where?"
Paul Lynde: Amelia Earhart.

(in a show in which Vincent Price was also a Square)
Peter Marshall: How many movies has Vincent Price been in?
Paul Lynde: You mean, how many good movies?
(correct answer: Price had just completed his 100th film)

Peter Marshall : Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time i saw it was when i didn't buy their cookies.

Peter Marshall: Who was known as "Old Blood and Guts"?
Paul Lynde: Barbara Stanwyck.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is it true that lightning once fused a manís zipper shut?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it was Godís way telling him to slow down.

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the Mister Yuk sticker meant to be put on?
Paul Lynde: Oh, motel bedspreads

(the next two are from 1970)
Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the name of the small musical intrument shaped like a triangle?
Paul Lynde: Connie Stevens.

Peter Marshall: Youíre equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Paul Lynde: Joan Crawfordís eyebrows.
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Old 05-11-2006, 09:56 AM   #299
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this was always one of my favorites:

Peter Marshall: Paul, we all know in The Wizard of Oz the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart, what did the scarecrow want?

Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
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Old 05-11-2006, 10:35 AM   #300
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This one caused me to spit my tea out all over my keyboard from laughing so hard!!!

Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

(and that was back when the klan was very active!)
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