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Old 04-29-2006, 11:56 AM   #241
giltdunn
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Careful, Harvey, I write books for children! Gil D
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Old 04-29-2006, 12:20 PM   #242
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Quote:
Originally Posted by giltdunn
Careful, Harvey, I write books for children! Gil D

Ooops.

Harvey
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Old 04-30-2006, 01:32 AM   #243
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Default Murphy's law on Rednecks

Murphy's Laws for Rednecks

If you have a double first name, you won’t be able to spell either one of them.

If you convince the sheriff that it's poison oak instead of marijuana, it probably is.

If your latest home improvement project is designing and building a mailbox, it will look like a brick tombstone.

If your picture is hanging in the post office, it will be a perfect likeness.

If you eat with your fork in one hand, it's because you gotta hold your cornbread in the other one.

If your front yard needs mowing, you'll do it when you get around to fixing the lawn mower.

If you want clean your ears, you will buy a package of bobby pins.

If you say you are a songwriter, your true occupation is a truck driver or a construction worker.

If you see shotguns at a shindig, it's a wedding, a family reunion or a combination of both.

If you don't have any empty beer bottles for target practice, you know it's your duty to empty some.

If want to be a NASCAR race driver, the cops will catch you practicing on the Interstate.

If you pledge allegiance to the flag, it will be the flag of the Confederacy

If you have relatives in jail, they were either growing, cooking, or distilling.

If you need a way to get rid of cooties, you can do so by picking and grinning.

If you get slicked up and dressed up, it will be for a special occasion, like a monster truck race or a gun and knife show.

If you can't do something today, you’re waiting for the first of the month when the check comes.

For every car you own with wheels on it, you are allowed to have 2-1/2 cars up on cinder blocks.

When you celebrate, it will be tomato planting time, catfish bitin' weather, hog killing time, or openin’ of rabbit season.

If you get a tan, it will be on your neck, your arms, or your butt crack.

When you kiss a woman, you always remove your toothpick first.

If you own a car, you figure on spending most of your free time trying to get it running.

If hold your nose when singing, you can sound just like your favorite country music star.

If you need a cure for ailments, you will use whiskey, tobacco, kerosene, turpentine or Vicks's salve.

Harvey
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Old 04-30-2006, 01:36 AM   #244
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Default one liners

President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and
able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will
always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton
Berle

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no
one believes individually. - Abba Eban

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the
library.

A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."

Harvey
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Old 04-30-2006, 01:37 AM   #245
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Default Theme park

Are You Too OLD for Theme Parks?
Take the Quiz


Do they give you the senior citizen discount without checking your ID?
Do you detest your hair and clothes getting wet?
Would you like the rides better if they ran them in slow motion?
Would you rather go to a restaurant for a meal than eat corn dogs on an umbrella table?
Do you think there should be a law against the prices they charge for soft drinks and plan to write your congressman about it?
Do you get nervous when there are no adults in line except you?
Do your eyes get crossed from watching the racing coasters?
Did you notice that none of the other women are carrying a purse?
Do you stop at all the restrooms because you don’t know if you will find the next one soon enough?
Do you go inside gift shops and look around just because they are air-conditioned?
Do you complain because customer service does not have blood pressure machines?
Do you end up walking around in circles all day because you can’t figure out the map?
Is your favorite thing about the park all the pretty flowers?
Do you buy your sno-cone with cherry syrup instead of lime, lemon, grape, strawberry, orange, tangerine, blueberry, raspberry, boysenberry, blackberry, kiwi, or watermelon?
Does your back hurt? Your neck hurt? Your kidneys hurt? Are you are sunburned? Or do your feet have blisters?
Do you spend most of the day planning how you will get even with the person that talked you into coming here?
Could a 30 second thrill ride be long enough to last you for a lifetime?
Do you buy your souvenirs long before closing time to beat the last minute rush?
Do you take Coke cans to the park to get a discount?
Do you tell young people with baggy pants to pull them up?
Are you are offended by the suggestive slogans on tee shirts?
Have you ever learned a new swear word while on a thrill ride?
Have you lost your glasses, your wallet, your hat or your false teeth, while upside down?
Do feel you can't make it to the front gate without oxygen?
Did you ever buy a three-day pass just to get a free teeshirt, and then never use either of them.
Do you think that the generation gap is bigger on a roller coaster than any other place?
Is your favorite phrase: "Let me offfff!"?
Can you remember where you lost your camera, as well as your supper?
Will the soles on your tennis shoes melt on hot asphalt?
Have you ever ridden the tram around the parking lot three times because you couldn’t remember where you left the car?

Harvey
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Old 04-30-2006, 01:51 AM   #246
lilhave
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Default Theme parks

Are You Too OLD for Theme Parks?
Take the Quiz


Do they give you the senior citizen discount without checking your
ID?
Do you detest your hair and clothes getting wet?
Would you like the rides better if they ran them in slow motion?
Would you rather go to a restaurant for a meal than eat corn dogs on
an umbrella table?
Do you think there should be a law against the prices they charge for
soft drinks and plan to write your congressman about it?
Do you get nervous when there are no adults in line except you?
Do your eyes get crossed from watching the racing coasters?
Did you notice that none of the other women are carrying a purse?
Do you stop at all the restrooms because you don't know if you will
find the next one soon enough?
Do you go inside gift shops and look around just because they are air-
conditioned?
Do you complain because customer service does not have blood pressure
machines?
Do you end up walking around in circles all day because you can't
figure out the map?
Is your favorite thing about the park all the pretty flowers?
Do you buy your sno-cone with cherry syrup instead of lime, lemon,
grape, strawberry, orange, tangerine, blueberry, raspberry,
boysenberry, blackberry, kiwi, or watermelon?
Does your back hurt? Your neck hurt? Your kidneys hurt? Are you are
sunburned? Or do your feet have blisters?
Do you spend most of the day planning how you will get even with the
person that talked you into coming here?
Could a 30 second thrill ride be long enough to last you for a
lifetime?
Do you buy your souvenirs long before closing time to beat the last
minute rush?
Do you take Coke cans to the park to get a discount?
Do you tell young people with baggy pants to pull them up?
Are you are offended by the suggestive slogans on tee shirts?
Have you ever learned a new swear word while on a thrill ride?
Have you lost your glasses, your wallet, your hat or your false
teeth, while upside down?
Do feel you can't make it to the front gate without oxygen?
Did you ever buy a three-day pass just to get a free teeshirt, and
then never use either of them.
Do you think that the generation gap is bigger on a roller coaster
than any other place?
Is your favorite phrase: "Let me offfff!"?
Can you remember where you lost your camera, as well as your supper?
Will the soles on your tennis shoes melt on hot asphalt?
Have you ever ridden the tram around the parking lot three times
because you couldn't remember where you left the car?


harvey
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Old 04-30-2006, 03:23 AM   #247
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Haha great list.

Favorite----->Do you take Coke cans to the park to get a discount?
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Old 05-01-2006, 06:07 AM   #248
lilhave
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Default Have things changed ?

Tips on Getting More Efficiency from your Women Employees
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II, only 63 years ago! The intent was not to be "funny".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1.) Pick young, married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2.) When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3.) General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4.) Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5.) Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Women make excellent workers when they have their jobs set out for them, but they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

6.) Whenever possible, let the female employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

7.) Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make for some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

8.) Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

9.) Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

10.) Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
Howard Daughters

Havey
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Old 05-01-2006, 06:10 AM   #249
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Default Love those Brit's

These are Genuine Clips From British Council Flat (Apartment) Tenants Complaining to the Council about problems with their flats
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Harvey
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Old 05-01-2006, 06:11 AM   #250
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Default Huh!

"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

"I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning."

"We ought to make the pie higher."

"Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental."

"Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time."

"That guy smokes like a fish!"

"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"

"I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony."

"After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids."

"All old people should be shot at birth."

"He's as sharp as a new penny."

"I know that area of town like the back of my head."

"She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan."

"She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country."

"That really burns my goat!"

"You shouldn't let people get under your goat."

"I'm sweating like a bullet."

"It's like six of one and two dozen of the other."

"I hate to throw cold water on your bubble."

"I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime."

"That really raises the shackles on my neck."

"I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter."

"We gotta get our soup and nuts together."

"I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!"

"I used to be as sharp as a button."

"That'll put the monkey in your court."

"It was time to separate the wheat from the baby."

"You're only smart on the outside."

"I guess you're just AOL."

"If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot."

"Not everything that shines is baloney."

"You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there."

"Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof."

"It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it."

"I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel."

"We've got to dig our way out of this puppy."

"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!"

"You're a minefield of information."

"Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works."

“You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.”

"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."

"That really burns my craw!"

"A two-prawn approach is necessary."

"He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants."

"You gotta walk with your pants on."

"Can I pick your ear?"

"I don't want to shoot myself in the hip."

"A little pain never hurt anyone."

"Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?"

"I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy."

"I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today."

"You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck."

"We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot."

"I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse."

"The ball is in his camp now."

"We need to get our ducks in the fire."

"Whatever rubs your boat!"

"You know I’m just pulling your lamb."

"If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"

"They need to get all their ducks in one sock."

"We don't want to go barking up a dead horse."

"We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!"

"The ball is squarely on our shoulders."

"The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox."

"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."

"Throw that monkey back over the fence."

"She really rubs me up the wrong tree."

"Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man."

"He had all of his ducks in one sock."

"I've just got my feet in too many pies right now."

"This thing is about to grow legs and take off...."

"Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?"

"If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole."

"Will everyone stop misundermining me!"

"I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting."

"He was slow as Moses."

"I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!"

"My arms were knee-deep in mud."

"'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.”

"We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one."

"Hey, don't eat the messenger!"

"It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned."

"We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb."

"..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep."

"He's not the brightest brick in the basket."

"Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole."

"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."

"You planted the seed, and I ran with it."

“I swear on my dog's breakfast!”

"If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?"

"Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place."

"All old people should be shot at birth."

"I know that area of town like the back of my head."

"That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel."

"Vision is in the eyes of the beholder."

"Eventually, I want it now."

"In the last year, you've turned around 150%."

"It was a huge incontinence for me."

"I was already squeezing the buffalo."

"I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page."

"I think you might have hit the nail on the button."

"I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot."

"I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you."

"If you have that, the world is your walrus."

"It was jumping up and down like a sieve."

"I've got ears like a hawk."

"This guy's sharp as a cookie."

"I had too many hands in the fire."

"He's between a rock and a hotplate."

"It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty."

"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!"

"It's like the blind talking to the blind!"

"She's not the brightest tree in the forest."

"I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway."

"Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit."

"Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon."

"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."

"We'd be biting off a new can of worms."

"Well, it's no skin off MY teeth!"

"That's just cutting your throat to spite your face."

"Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!"

"If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather."

"'Usually' only counts in horseshoes."

"I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole."

"Everything has been peaches and gravy."

"You're getting too clever for your own boots!"

"Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver."

"I'll be straight as a doorknob with you."

"Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you."

"He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him."

"They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks."

"We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later."

"We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project."

"That really throws a monkey at the wrench..."

"She's totally green under the collar."

"You don't want me down here breathing down your throats."

"I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel."

"That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it."

"He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary."

"It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!"

"This is for your FYI."

"We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner."

"I'm not the brightest bean in the hole."

"I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it."

"Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth."

"I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany."

"We need to iron out our bread and butter."

"I think we should go for the whole ball of wood."

"Each of you pitched a home run today!"

"I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves."

"It's an exercise in fertility."

"Hindsight is 50-50."

"You are never going to fail unless you try."

"We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg."

"Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers."

"He might be barking at a red herring."

"He was smoking like a fish."

"He's as deaf as a bat."

"We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off."

"I didn't have two dimes to pee on."

"I gave him a real mouthful."

"I really took the bull by the hands."

"He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground."

"I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!"

"You can lead a pig to pearls..."

"Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday."

"The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree."

"He would give you the shoes off his back."

"That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded."

"We're going to clean the competition's lunch."

"We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it."

"I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week."

"The phone was ringing off its hinges."

"I didn't want to stir the apple cart."

"It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack."

"I don't put my chickens before the horse."

"It was time to get the train out of the harbor."

"I didn't have many bullets left in the tank."

"I was shooting at straws."

"I was running on exhaustion fumes."

"I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump."

"I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears."

"It's water under the dam now."

"I put the ball in the other shoe."

"That took the steam out of my sails."

"No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!"

"You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil."

"Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?"

"Eventually the penny will come home to roost."

"You are the wind beneath my cheeks."


Harvey
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Old 05-01-2006, 06:58 AM   #251
giltdunn
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Default

Glad we keep you amused, Harvey!
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Old 05-02-2006, 05:44 AM   #252
lilhave
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Default Murphy's law on kids

Murphy’s Laws for Kids

The more you hate spinach, the more likely it is you will have it for dinner.

The more you need to go potty, the harder it is to get your pants down.

If you miss the school bus, it will always be on the day of a field trip or party.

If you spill your milk, the dumb dog won’t lick it up no matter what you promise.

If you use the sofa for a trampoline, you will forget about your muddy tennis shoes until later.

If you have a helium birthday balloon, it will get caught in the ceiling fan.

The more unbreakable a toy is supposed to be, the sooner
you will break it.

The harder you try to hide something behind your back, the more likely mom will know.

If you forget to put something away, it will be the carton of ice cream.

The more you try to sit still in church, the more your underwear scratches.

When you have to do you homework before going outside, you will invariably get stuck on the last problem.

The more you try to hurry while getting dressed, the greater the probability that you can’t find socks without holes.

If you kick anything under the bed to hide it, the cat will be sleeping there.

If you remember to wash your hands before eating, the dog will lick you on the mouth.

The more relatives your have in the audience at the school play, the greater the liklihood of forgetting your lines.

If you remember to turn out the lights in the basement, dad will be downstairs.

If you try to flush the goldfish, the toilet will clog and run over.

The more parts a game has, the greater the likelihood that it will get spilled.

Snack food is always on the highest kitchen shelf instead of in the bottom cabinet.

The more you want to go outside and play, the longer it takes to clean your room.

The newer your shoes are, the more rain puddles you will see to tempt you.

If you wake up with a stomachache and fever, it will always be on Saturday.

If Murphy were a kid, he would lose his lunch money.

Harvey
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Old 05-02-2006, 05:48 AM   #253
lilhave
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Join Date: Jul 03, 2004
Location: N.Y.C.
Posts: 2,287
Default One liners

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Contents may have settled out of court.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?

I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Can a blind person feel blue?

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?

I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

We are all prawns in the game of life.

Harvey
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Old 05-02-2006, 05:50 AM   #254
lilhave
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Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 03, 2004
Location: N.Y.C.
Posts: 2,287
Default Your a texan

You're Truly a Texan When...
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You can eat hot peppers to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.
You can actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 AM before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Harvey
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Old 05-02-2006, 10:04 AM   #255
loren
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Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 11, 2005
Posts: 1,490
Default

you forgot the most important fact in texas

the true method to tell where yankees are from

so ill add it

where does a texan claim that yankees are from

answer---anywhere north of his house
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