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Old 02-13-2006, 06:19 PM   #1
lilhave
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Default LILHAVE LAUGHTER ARCHIVE

I'm sure all want to increase their knowledge of the universe, so here goes.


Things you should have learned by now

Things you should have learned by the time you have reached Middle age.

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Wherever you go, there you are.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

17. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

19. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

20. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

22. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

23. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

24. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

25. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

26. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

27. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat

28. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

29. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

30. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

31. You should not confuse your career with your life.

32. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

33. Never lick a steak knife.

34. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

35. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

36. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

37. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

38. Your friends love you anyway.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.

"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 380L convertible." Author Unknown.

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children'". A Mum.

Harvey
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Old 02-14-2006, 03:39 AM   #2
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Default LOL

"3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. "


Oh I want a shirt that says that ...pllllllease...


Please please please.
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Old 02-14-2006, 06:54 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by savageamusement
"3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. "


Oh I want a shirt that says that ...pllllllease...


Please please please.


This one caught my eye as well. I want a dozen shirts
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Old 02-14-2006, 12:37 PM   #4
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I love these lists. Thank you for sharing!
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Old 02-15-2006, 06:38 PM   #5
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Default list of toys that never made it

The new Card Game, ISLAMIC POKER: You lose a hand, you lose a hand!

Fairly Serious Putty

Lil' Electrical Outlet Licker

The new Card Game, 5200 Card Pickup: Keeps kids busy all day.

Ginsu Boomerang

The Duncan YO: It never comes back up. It teaches kids how to live with disappointment.

The Pee Wee Herman Pull Toy.

Nintendo 63: this one was pretty easy to come by this holiday, for some reason.

Capitalizing on pitcher Hideo Nomoís success, the new toy: Tickle Me Nomo.

Hasbro's Lil' Barber

Another one capitalizing on the Tickle Me Elmo success, the new toy: Tickle Me Carrot Top

Don King Hair Care products.

Angry Bird-In-A-Bag

Mike Tysonís Hooked on Phonics.

The John Goodman AB sculptor.

New treasure hunt toy: You get to comb out the beard of the Menís Wearhouse Guy. I guarantee it!

Mick Jagger brand Chap Stick

The new doll: Turnip Patch Kids

A gift certificate for Hannibal Lechterís new BBQ restaurant.

The new video by Don Knotts in a purple dinosaur suit: Barney Fife

Doggie Dentist

An actual copy of the latest Star Trek screenplay, ďLive Long and PerspireĒ.

A selection of Vin Diesel brand shampoo products.


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Old 02-15-2006, 07:38 PM   #6
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Default .....

Id buy most of them!!!
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Old 02-15-2006, 08:02 PM   #7
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Sorry, no selling. Wanna get booted?

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Old 02-16-2006, 01:05 AM   #8
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Default Harvey


I can't say I was a big fan of the Lil barber set----


I would however like to order the "Ginsu Boomerang" if you can hook me up...

I am willing to trade my string collection, partially chewed gum collection and my latest Bazooka Joke for it.


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Old 02-16-2006, 02:20 PM   #9
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Default Questions

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?


2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the
center of the earth?


3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?


4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?


5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****?


6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?


7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?


8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?


9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?


10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say
"I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Harvey
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Old 02-16-2006, 05:48 PM   #10
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I read this. Laughed.

Then realize that we really need to find you a new hobby
if these are what you're thinking about :-)
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Old 02-17-2006, 11:24 AM   #11
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Default Retirement

Where To Live After Retirement

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it
may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean,MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.


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Old 02-17-2006, 03:32 PM   #12
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Those are funny. As far as the deep south, those things (with the exception of "y'all) are prevalent in rural parts only. Number 4 sounds like the Walton family (The TV show, not the family that owns Walmart).
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Old 02-18-2006, 07:56 AM   #13
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Default You might be a redneck

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeurve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo."
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, ****head?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run.)
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right.'
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap just for formal occasions.
You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message "for a good time call..." because you feel guilty about putting it there.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."
You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas you put gin in the gas tank.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you leave your house you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You have an Elvis Jello mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was 'Friends in Low Places.'
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Yer mom calls ya over t'help 'cause she has a flat tire...on her house!
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
Dolly Parton reminds you of the 'Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
You grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible."
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking as soon as it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.

Harvey
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Old 02-19-2006, 08:30 AM   #14
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Default Murphy's law on Nurses

When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
It's you're first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...
The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot.
If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.
When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
Fire drills always occur on your day from hell
The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"
The Nursing Catch-22:
If you're running around horribly busy, you're unorganized and need to prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work to do.
,
You do the "Just discharged the Patient from Hell" dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like you're their next patient.

Last thing you want to hear a doctor say is 'whoops'

Harvey
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Old 02-19-2006, 08:39 AM   #15
lilhave
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above (below?) your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
* When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts.
* I prefer the sign that says "No Entry" to the one that says "No Exit"
* It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies.
* Sometimes I feel like such an incredible nothing.
* It's funny how entertaining you can be to some people just by listening to them.
* Compact cars make people look bigger.
* No pleasure is enjoyed without some measure of pain.
* If you clap with one hand, will it make a sound?
* Less is more.
* The first condition of immortality is death.
* They can because they think they can.
* Think before you think.
* To be a leader, watch where others are headed then run out in front of them.
* Fear not that your life will end, but rather that it will never begin.
* Strangers are only friends we haven't met.
* That which we are, we are...
* Sure it's a cruel world, but where else is there to go.
* We are the people our parents warn us about.
* Some people think it's the holding on that makes us strong. Sometimes it's the letting go.
* Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit.
* If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
* Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea.
* The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
* It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money.
* Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
* All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
* Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
* Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
* The breakfast of champions is the opposition.
* If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
* Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
* Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.
* Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.
* Decadence is its own reward.
* An honest politician is one who stays bought.
* Organize for anarchy!
* Circular definition: see "circular definition."
* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!
* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
* I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
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