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Old 10-26-2018, 08:05 AM   #301
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."
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Old 10-26-2018, 08:41 AM   #302
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Ralph Kramden: I didn't start this, Mammy Yokum did!
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Old 10-27-2018, 10:30 AM   #303
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“Ralph Kramden Inc.”:

Ralph: “How could you tell if you saw a yellow-bellied sap sucker when they are not supposed to be around here.”

Ed: “Because the bird that I saw had a yellow belly and it was sucking sap.”

“Young Man With A Horn”:

Alice: “All right Ralph. You haven’t touched this cornette (sp?) in years.”

Ralph: “I want to keep it.”

Ed: “He has a point Alice. He hasn’t seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them.”

“Dial J For Janitor”:

Ralph: “Your garbage can was only half full. When it’s full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here – save a trip there and it all adds up.”

Ed: “That is what I am afraid of. It is mounting up all over the building.”

“Man In The Blue Suit”:

Alice: “Lucky suit? You haven’t worn the suit in five years.”

Ralph: “Do you know anybody who has been as unlucky as I have been in the last five years?”

Alice: “Yeah. Me.”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Ralph: “I am not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me.”

(Alice puts a bowl on Ralph’s head and “salutes” him.)

Alice: “Har-har-har!”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Trixie: “$989 for a summer cottage.”

Alice: “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of Ralph’s harebrained schemes.”

Ed: “Don’t give him all the credit. It was partly my idea too.”

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
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Old 10-27-2018, 11:02 AM   #304
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Alice: [complaining about how Ralph is always out at night, leaving Alice alone at home] I'm left here to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls. Well, I don't want to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls! I WANNA LOOK AT LIBERACE!
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Old 10-28-2018, 09:35 AM   #305
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"Curse of The Kramdens":

"Ghost": "I'm the Ghost of Shammus O' Toole. If your name is Kramden, beware! Ha ha ha!"

Ed: "This is Ed Norton. Capital N-capital O-r-t-o-n."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"Double Anniversary":

(Ralph tells Ed of his surprise plans to Alice which entails him inviting her out to a movie only to lead her into the Kit Kat Klub where they are going to have the surprise party.)

Ralph: "I hope she doesn't faint."

Ed: "I hope she doesn't faint when she learns that you want to take her to a movie."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

"Ghost": "I'm the Ghost of Shammus O' Toole. If your name is Kramden, beware! Ha ha ha!"

Ed: "This is Ed Norton. Capital N-capital O-r-t-o-n."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"Double Anniversary":

(Ralph tells Ed of his surprise plans to Alice which entails him inviting her out to a movie only to lead her into the Kit Kat Klub where they are going to have the surprise party.)

Ralph: "I hope she doesn't faint."

Ed: "I hope she doesn't faint when she learns that you want to take her to a movie."

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

(Ed is behind Ralph.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Napolean had Josephine behind him. Who do I have behind me?" (yells): "DON'T YOU DARE!"

(Ralph is ashamed that Ed is standing behind him.)

Ralph (normally): "Now go to bed."

Alice: "Ahhh."

(Alice closes the door.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Oh, you're flirting with death."
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Old 10-28-2018, 09:49 AM   #306
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Ralph Kramden: There isn't room in this place for you and me!

Mrs. Gibson: There isn't room in this place for you and anybody!
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Old 10-29-2018, 08:10 AM   #307
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"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wive's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is deprived of water for several days. He comes in looking sick.)

Ralph: "Is there anything I can get you?"

Ed (sounding completly healthy): "Yes. Water! Water! I want water!"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph & Ed are at the bank.)

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think that the wallpaper is pretty. She thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at the wallpaper.)

E: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ed: "La Cucaracha Shop. Is that the name of the boss?"

Swifty Jenkins: "No, it means The Cockroach Shop."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

(Ralph puts on a Mexican Sombrero.)

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed with a Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."
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Old 10-29-2018, 09:04 AM   #308
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Ralph Kramden: [trying to fix a broken vacuum cleaner] That's what it needs, just a little drop of oil. It'll be alright.

Alice Kramden:
A little drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas.
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Old 10-30-2018, 07:41 AM   #309
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"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."
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Old 10-30-2018, 07:44 AM   #310
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Ralph: Mr. President, Brother Kramden... Brother *Norton* is a nut!

Ed Norton: I have the floor; you're out of order.

Ralph: The only thing out of order here is your head.
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Old 10-31-2018, 07:47 AM   #311
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Default Halloween Quotes:

All L.E. quotes are from "Halloween Party" & "Halloween Party For The Boss":

#1

(Ed comes in dressed as Clara Bow.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Alice?"

(The crowd laughs then appluads.)

Alice: "Oh Ed you look wonderful."

Ed: "How did you recognize me?"

#2

Alice: "It's very simple Ralph. You are a Zulu Chief."

Ralph: "A Zulu Chief? Well, if this is what a Zulf Chief wears, I hate to be a private citizen in that tribe."

#3

(Ralph gets a mousetrap caught on his hand.)

Ralph (coming into the kitchen with a mousetrap on his hand, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ed: "What have you got on your hand?"

Ralph: "A mousetrap."

Ed: "What are you going as, a mouse?"

All C39 quotes are from "The Man From Space":

#1

Alice: "Instead of buying a costume, why can't you use your brain and make one?"

Ralph: "Because I want to win. That's why."

#2

(Ralph has his "Man From Space" costume on.)

Ralph: "Can you see the faces on them (the Raccoons) down there (at the Raccoon Lodge) when I walk in with this? Well, what do you think?"

Alice: "I think you are nuts."

#3

Ralph: "That is the trouble with you. You don't know the latest developments."

Alice: "I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets out your pants every week?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "That sailor that you saw in the hall was Trixie."

Ed: "It couldn't have been Trixie. She was in the army."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man: "Did your mitther come from Ireland?"

Ed: "What's a mitther?"

Ralph: "He means your mother."

Ed: "No, she didn't. Neither did my britther or my sitther. It was my grandfither."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Ed: "Is it true that a ghost can go through a wall."

Ralph: "If that happens, you will see me going through that wall."
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Old 10-31-2018, 07:59 AM   #312
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Ralph: [after Alice has insulted his golf playing] How'd you like to go sailing over the clubhouse, huh, Alice?
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Old 10-31-2018, 05:40 PM   #313
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikaelaArsenault View Post
Ralph: Just remember, you can't put you arms around a memory.
Alice: I can't even put my arms around you.
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Old 11-01-2018, 06:21 AM   #314
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Alice: I'll go fix my lipstick. I won't be gone long, Killer. I call you Killer 'cause you slay me.
Ralph: And I'm calling Bellevue 'cause you're nuts!
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Old 11-01-2018, 07:36 AM   #315
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"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is seeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him. What does he say?)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Alice is mixing plaster in a bowl. She tunrs on the radio and "In The Mood" plays. Ed Norton comes in and dances to the music with the bowl in his hands. Alice is amused.)

Alice: "Stop that Ed. You are getting plaster all over the floor."

(Alice turns off the radio.)

Ed: "I got an idea. Why don't the four of us all go out dancing one night."

Alice: "Ralph hates dancing."

Ed: "Forget about him. Just bring the bowl."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"
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