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Old 02-16-2020, 08:42 AM   #1036
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the
car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The men are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why did you raise everybody and then say: 'I'm out.'"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."
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Old 02-17-2020, 08:24 AM   #1037
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Default President's Day Quotes:

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "Norton, you play gin rummy your way and I will play gin rummy my way. My way is the scientific way - it takes a lot of figuring. For instance, I noticed that you picked up a queen, and I know you picked it up to make a run of three queens. I also know that you have a run of clubs. I also noticed that you threw away two sevens. Therefore, you couldn't possibly use the card I'm about to throw down which is a seven of spades. That's scientific figuring!"

Ed (showing his cards): "That's ever-lovin' gin!"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is trying to participate in a contest where you have to guess the name of a U.S. President.)

Ralph: "There is a picutre of a woman washing and there's a picture of a ton."

Ed: "I know who it is. Eisenhower."

Ralph: "Eisenhower?"

Ed: "There's a picture of a woman washing and there's a picture of a ton. Washington. Who's in Washington right now? Eisenhower."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Alice is upset that Ralph brought home a lot of boxes because he wants to enter every single contest that every box has just so he can win something big.)

Ralph: "Fix my dinner."

Alice: "Fix it yourself. Go fix yourself some Happy Hound Meatballs."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had on the bus?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "Well, in most of them, the criminals got nothing."

Alice: "The sixth time was a dozzy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose one bus, you got to hold it over my head."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed just explained the whacky rules of a card game called Knuckle-Knuckle.)

Ed: "The important thing about this game is that all the wet cards are wild."

Ralph: "All the wet cards are wild? What wet cards?"

Ed: "Well, we usually play this game down in the sewer."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Nick and another man see Ralph so they can get him a job in which he will be killed.)

Ralph: "I have been driving for the Gotham Bus Company for 14 years and I hate to leave that job if this job wasn't steady."

Nick: "Steady?"

Man: "I'll tell you, you will have this job for as long as you live."
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Old 02-18-2020, 07:48 AM   #1038
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Ralph Kramden:
Name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother-in-law coming.

Ed Norton:
*My* mother-in-law coming! Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind!

Ralph Kramden:
Don't start, Norton. Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law, 'cause you got a lose. It's no match.
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Old 02-18-2020, 08:25 AM   #1039
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Two men come into Ralph's apartment to offer him a job as insurance executive.)

Man: "Our operators have sent us a stack of reports about you that are a mile high."

Ralph: "Did you hear the story yesterday about me helping out an old lady with her bags."

Man: "Did I? She was one of our operators."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph is protesting a rent increase and wants Alice to back him.)

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not that I don't want to Ralph, it's just that, there's not much room back there."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewer workers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are waering at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Ship of Fools":

(A photographer feels Alice's leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "He just wants some cheesecake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli than?"
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Old 02-18-2020, 08:28 AM   #1040
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Alice Kramden:
[to Norton] Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable, but I've always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you. IT IS LATE. People would like to go to sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano. And I know that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man.

Ralph Kramden:
Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano!

Alice Kramden:
If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you!

Ralph Kramden:
[threateningly] Go ahead and *play*, Norton, if you don't wanna lose my friendship!

Ed Norton:
Well, I'm in a spot. If I play, I lose her respect; if I don't play, I lose your friendship. [anguished wail] Why, oh why was I blessed with this musical talent?
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Old 02-19-2020, 08:35 AM   #1041
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."
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Old 02-19-2020, 08:39 AM   #1042
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Ed Norton:
[reading from a script, as he helps Ralph rehearse] "I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies."

Ralph:
"I'm glad to hear..." [stops and looks up] "String of poloponies"? Where do you see that?

Ed Norton:
[pointing at script] Right there - "a string of poloponies".

Ralph:
That's "a string of polo ponies"!
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Old 02-20-2020, 08:30 AM   #1043
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“Ralph Kramden Inc.”:

Ralph: “How could you tell if you saw a yellow-bellied sap sucker when they are not supposed to be around here.”

Ed: “Because the bird that I saw had a yellow belly and it was sucking sap.”

“Young Man With A Horn”:

Alice: “All right Ralph. You haven’t touched this cornette (sp?) in years.”

Ralph: “I want to keep it.”

Ed: “He has a point Alice. He hasn’t seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them.”

“Dial J For Janitor”:

Ralph: “Your garbage can was only half full. When it’s full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here – save a trip there and it all adds up.”

Ed: “That is what I am afraid of. It is mounting up all over the building.”

“Man In The Blue Suit”:

Alice: “Lucky suit? You haven’t worn the suit in five years.”

Ralph: “Do you know anybody who has been as unlucky as I have been in the last five years?”

Alice: “Yeah. Me.”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Ralph: “I am not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me.”

(Alice puts a bowl on Ralph’s head and “salutes” him.)

Alice: “Har-har-har!”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Trixie: “$989 for a summer cottage.”

Alice: “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of Ralph’s harebrained schemes.”

Ed: “Don’t give him all the credit. It was partly my idea too.”

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
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Old 02-21-2020, 08:42 AM   #1044
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"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why don't you ever talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would be very happy to if you only would go away every once and a while."

"A Weighty Problem Part One":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippotomus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "How was the anchovy pizza that I made for you Mr. Gleason?"

Jackie: "I don't know. I ate it so fast, I didn't taste it."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are in the poolroom. The Nortons answer.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed (reading the astrology book): "'Taurus the Bull seldom loses his temper, shows great wisdow in all financial matters and is extremely attractive to the opposite sex.'"

Ralph: "That is me all right."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Junk? Junk Junk? Just watch yourself Alice. This furniture was a wedding present from my grandfather."

Alice: "Yeah to your grandmother."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "The governemnt is investigating me."

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated by the government."

Ed: "Yeah, the jails are full of them."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "I'm going to make a fortune and I'm going to let you in on the deal."

Ed: "Here we go again."

Ralph: "What kind of crack is that?"

Ed: "I'll tell you what kind of crack that was. You come to me before with things like this before. I can't stand to make a fortune again. I'm going broke."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph walks in as Alice and Trixie are rehearsing their act for the talent show.)

Alice: "We are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, The Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 02-22-2020, 08:40 AM   #1045
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"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet
Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."
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Old 02-23-2020, 08:35 AM   #1046
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"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: it’s not what you know, it’s who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, and know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, if you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

(Ralph's boss made Ed Ralph's supervisor.)

Ralph: "It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. When Norton becomes my boss, I'm quitting."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I got my pride."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch.)

Ralph: "What is a shoe doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What did you think it was stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be surprised."
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Old 02-24-2020, 08:22 AM   #1047
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"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "Alice is going to an obstertrician."

Ed: "Good for her. It's about time that she gets that bunion removed."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "There is a prowler loose in the building. You better pile some furniture up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "I got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling, it's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Raffitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell him how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "I was driving my bus. He was going to walk across the street and then I stopped for a red light. If I gone through the light, I might have hit him. I saved his life."

Ed: "You didn't save his life, you saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Maybe we can Gleason to come if we say it is for charity."

Alice: "What charity is this?"

Ed: "Well, see we need a new pool table and when we get the money, we will give the pool table to the settlement house if they have enough money for it."
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Old 02-25-2020, 08:36 AM   #1048
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"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will sell hamburgers, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ed: "Are you sick?"

Ralph: "Yeah, I'm sick."

(Ralph winks to say to Ed that he isn't. Ed doesn't buy it.)

Ed: "You ain't kidding. You even got a twitch in your eye."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Here's a good theme for the dance. How about the Vikings Discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to do that theme in the Sons of Italy Hall?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Next Champ":

Ralph: "Did you just see how Dynamite walloped that machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."
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Old 02-26-2020, 09:23 AM   #1049
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"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"
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Old 02-27-2020, 08:34 AM   #1050
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"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph (sarcastically): "I hope you realize that water always recedes it's level."

Ed: "Yeah, we heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."
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