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Old 03-11-2020, 07:50 AM   #1066
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Alice:
[to Ralph] That phone is staying here. Everybody but us has a telephone. All you're worried about is the money. Well, you can just stop worrying, because I'll figure out some way to pay for that phone. I'll just, uh, well, I'll cut down on something.

Ralph:
I know what you'll cut down on: my food. That's what you'll cut down on, Alice, my food! We'll have a phone, but I won't have anything to eat!

Alice:
Oh, Ralph.

Ralph:
Don't "Oh, Ralph" me! I'm sick and tired of that "Oh, Ralph"! The bills will get bigger and bigger, and I'll get less to eat. I'll start losing weight. Then you know what I'll look like?

Alice:
Yeah, a human being.

Ralph:
Oh, are you gonna get yours!
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Old 03-12-2020, 07:45 AM   #1067
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me ask you something Ralph. WHen was the last time you ever lifted 400 pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "My little kid grow up from a little guy. Education: Grammer school, high school, then on to college. When he gets out of college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Something's Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: 15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you feel if someone came down to where you worked at and helped himself to everything he saw?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Bud Collyer: "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your life?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

Ed: "Mike Douglas was down the sewer one time to present the USO Award."

Ralph: "USO Award?"

Ed: "Yeah United Sewerworkers Of."

Ralph: "Of what?"

Ed: "We don't know yet. No one will take us."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."
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Old 03-13-2020, 07:33 AM   #1068
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"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't evcn know what I look like."

Ed: "That's okay. Tomorrow, you go down there and apply for another job."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing (a towel wrapped around his head) for?"

Ed: "I thought that you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV show tomorrow."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "50% of that toothache is here (mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't tkae out your garbage because it was half-full. When it's full-full, then I will tkae it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there. It all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to impress Bill Davis by thinking that he has a very good and important job.)

Bill Davis: "What business are you in?"

Ralph: "Transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill Davis: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, every day he is in the driver's seat."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "How did you know that it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I can feel the floor sag."
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Old 03-13-2020, 10:33 AM   #1069
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Ralph:
Wouldn't it be much easier, if you bought a new watch?

Norton:
No, why? Nothin' wrong with my watch. All it needs is a new mainspring. I just gotta find a guy to fix it. I think I'll write a letter to Walt Disney tonight.
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Old 03-14-2020, 07:56 AM   #1070
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Seeing you alive is like finding a million dollars."

Ed: "If that is the case, let Trixie pay for the coffee."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Everyone is in the super deluxe cottage.)

Alice: "It takes your breath away."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before."

Trixie: "I have never seen a place like this."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before too."

Ed: "Va-va-va-voom!"

Ralph: "There is a new one for you."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph sits down and eats his two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that that was my dinner. What are the fork and knife for, to commit suicide with?"

"Operation: Protest":

Alice: "Clifford hates momism."

Ralph: "Send him to his papa."

Alice: "He can't."

Ralph: "Where is his dad hiding?"

Alice: "He is in the Navy. He is up on the North Pole counting seals."

Ralph: "He's hiding."

"Operation: Protest":

(Ralph wants to beat up Clifford for costing him his job.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Double Trouble":

Trixie: "There are two Ralph's."

Ed: "You mean that the weight Ralph lost formed into another person?"
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Old 03-15-2020, 07:42 AM   #1071
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man inthis city that's strong enough to do that."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice just got introduced as contestants on "Beat The Clock.")

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your lives?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."
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Old 03-16-2020, 06:39 AM   #1072
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Ralph:
[referring to Ed Norton] I've got one thing that he hasn't got.

[pats his right hip]

Ralph:
I've got it here.

Alice:
[placing hands on hips and stomach] You've got it here - and you've got it here - and you've got it here.
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Old 03-16-2020, 07:32 AM   #1073
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"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."
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Old 03-16-2020, 07:56 AM   #1074
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[Ralph is confident he will inherit $40 million after he starts his own fictional company which Norton is a stockholder in]

Ed Norton:
Thirty-five percent of the 40 million dollars belongs to the stockholders.
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Old 03-17-2020, 08:25 AM   #1075
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Default St. Patty’s Day Quotes:

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Alice: "Why do you want the suit back?"

Ralph: "I'll tell you why. It's my lucky suit."

Alice: "Lucky suit? You haven't worn it in five years."

Ralph: "Do you know how lucky I have been for the last five years?"

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time, I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "I am not nervous, Alice. I am not nervous. I may be a little excited about inheriting $40,000,000, but I am not nervous."

(Ralph polishes his sock.)

Alice: "You are not nervous Ralph. You are not nervous at all. You just read in Esquire about how the well-dressed man always polishes his sock."

"Quiz Show":

Alice: "Boy, that brother of yours is the stupidest person I have ever seen."

Ralph: "How could you look at me and say that?"

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had four years of schooling."

Alice: "And I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed has Trixie's dress on while Trixie has to measure the hems.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

All quotes come from "Curse of The Kramdens":

#1

Mayor: "Did your mitther come from Ireland?"

Ed: "What's a mitther?"

Ralph: "He means your mother."

Ed: "No, she didn't. Neither did my britther or my sitther. It was my grandfither."

#2

Mayor: "Ah, you are a Kramden all right. You got the ear of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the dignity of a king. Ralph Kramden, it's good to meet you."

(He shakes the hand of Ed.)

Ralph: "Wait a minute. I am the one with the ear of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the dignity of a king. Ralph Kramden, it's good to meet you."

Ed: "Yeah, I got the tooth of an elk."

#3

(The mayor compliments the husbands on their chocie of wives.)

Alice: "You have been kissing the blarney stone."

Ed: "If he said those compliments about Trixie, I would say he drank he whole thing."

Happy St. Patty's Day!
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Old 03-17-2020, 09:06 AM   #1076
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Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] Compared to you, Scrooge was a holiday playboy.
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Old 03-18-2020, 09:45 AM   #1077
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"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."
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Old 03-18-2020, 10:07 AM   #1078
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Ralph Kramden:
You know something, sweetheart? Christmas is... well, it's about the best time of the whole year. When you walk down the streets, even for weeks before Christmas comes, and there's lights hanging up, green ones and red ones, sometimes there's snow and everyone's hustling some place. But they don't hustle around Christmastime like they usually do. You know, they're a little more friendlier... they bump into you, they laugh and they say, "Pardon me. Merry Christmas"... especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home, you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringin', kids are singing, the snow is coming down. And boy what a pleasure it is to think that you've got some place to go to. And that the place that you're going to, there's somebody in it that you really love. Some one you're nuts about. Merry Christmas.
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:41 AM   #1079
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"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are wondering how to get some money.)

Ed: "How about a reward?"

Ralph: "A reward?"

Ed: "Yeah, I was down at the post office the other day and on the wall, they had the fugitives from justice. $200 reward, $300 reward, $500 reward. Why don't we gou out and capture ourselves a couple of fugitives from justice?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest thing that I ever heard in my life. All I know is that they wanted fugitives from Bellevue, I would make a fortune."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know?"

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty in here is your head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Don't you have to call anybody to tell them that you'll be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? If I would tell anybody that I am going to be late, I would write a note and slip it down a manhole."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How can you even think of taking Ed to the movies oh his birthday when he took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is worried about being investigated by the I.R.S.)

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated."

Ed: "She is right. The jails are full of them."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is talking about the previous time him & Alice were at Fred's Landing. Ed is listening.)

Ralph: "You should have seen Alice running away from that snake. I thought I would die laughing."

Alice: "How could you see me running away? You were way ahead of me."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ed reveals that he accidently took the bag of groceries as his lunch.)

Ed: "I got one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:45 AM   #1080
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Alice:
Thelma, what my husband meant was he just wants to explain your duties to you.

Thelma:
Oh, yeah, what I gotta do. And I might as well tell you right now: I can't do no heavy work. I'm sickly.

Ralph:
Sickly? Well, first of all, you'll have to go to the market. Then you'll have to cook, scrub the floors...

Thelma:
I don't scrub no floors!

Alice:
You're so right, Thelma. My husband will be glad to scrub the floors.

Ralph:
Now wait a minute!

Thelma:
You'll scrub the floor!. That's a man's work.

Ralph:
Just a minute. Who's doing the hiring here? All right, Alice, it's all off!

Alice:
Oh, no, Ralph, I'm not giving up my career. So it's either Thelma or you.

Thelma:
And I might as well tell you somethin' else, right now: I get Thursdays and Sundays off, see? My work is through the minute the supper dishes are done. I don't work in no house where they got no pets, so you might as well get rid of one if you got one. If you're gonna have a party, I get time-and-a-half over and the next day off. And, uh, if you're planning on having any late snacks, I don't do no cleaning up the next morning. And this boy looks like he has plenty of late snacks.
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