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Old 01-07-2020, 08:28 AM   #976
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"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't evcn know what I look like."

Ed: "That's okay. Tomorrow, you go down there and apply for another job."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing (a towel wrapped around his head) for?"

Ed: "I thought that you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV show tomorrow."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "50% of that toothache is here (mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't tkae out your garbage because it was half-full. When it's full-full, then I will tkae it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there. It all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to impress Bill Davis by thinking that he has a very good and important job.)

Bill Davis: "What business are you in?"

Ralph: "Transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill Davis: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, every day he is in the driver's seat."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "How did you know that it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I can feel the floor sag."
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Old 01-07-2020, 10:27 AM   #977
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Alice Kramden:
[to Norton] Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable, but I've always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you. IT IS LATE. People would like to go to sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano. And I know that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man.

Ralph Kramden:
Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano!

Alice Kramden:
If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you!

Ralph Kramden:
[threateningly] Go ahead and *play*, Norton, if you don't wanna lose my friendship!

Ed Norton:
Well, I'm in a spot. If I play, I lose her respect; if I don't play, I lose your friendship. [anguished wail] Why, oh why was I blessed with this musical talent?
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Old 01-08-2020, 08:39 AM   #978
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"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph (sarcastically): "I hope you realize that water always recedes it's level."

Ed: "Yeah, we heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."
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Old 01-08-2020, 08:46 AM   #979
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Ralph Kramden:
On the day we were married, I said two things: one, "I do," and two, "I'm the boss."
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Old 01-09-2020, 08:25 AM   #980
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"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store Dream' we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Alice (yells): "RALPH?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

Alice (yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "OKAY."

Alice (yells): "WAHT'S OKAY?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You use the bathroom first one morning. The next morning, Ed will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to all my problems. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "Have you told Trixie about the change in vacation plans. I know that she wanted to go to Atlantic City."

Ed: "Trixie will go where I want to go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal! Put your foot down."

Alice: "What are you going to do if she puts up a squawk?"

Ed: "Very simple. I will tell her that Atlantic City is closed for the summer."

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in a lemon of a cottage that they bought to stay in so they have a place to stay in for the rest of their lives.)

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably wouldn't remember what I looked like."

Ed: "That's okay. You go down there tomorrow and apply for another job."
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Old 01-09-2020, 08:31 AM   #981
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Ralph:
Mr. President, Brother Kramden... Brother *Norton* is a nut!

Ed Norton:
I have the floor; you're out of order.

Ralph:
The only thing out of order here is your head.
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Old 01-10-2020, 01:31 AM   #982
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"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 2":

(Ralph and another guy are playing pool. The guy hits the cue ball and it misses the pool balls.)

Man: "It's on it's way."

Ralph: "Yeah, to Newark."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I have flipped huh? Well, for your information Norton is my partner."

Alice: "Well, if you flip, it's always nice to have company."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is looking for Ralph in the cellar.)

Ed: "Janitor? Whoa, janitor."

Ralph: "For the last time, don't call me janitor. I am a maintenance engineer."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Ralph & Ed are fighting.)

Ralph: "I have a million friends. I have 50 down at the bus depot. 50 down in the lodge. 50 down in the bowling alley. There's 100 right there."

Alice: "If you have so many, how come they never invite you anywhere?"

Ralph: "Because I am always with Ed and they don't like him either."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "My dad used to say this: 'For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Follow The Boys":

(Ralph & Alice are playing chess. Alice wants to spend more time with Ralph by forcing him to spend at least six nights a week with her, much to his chagrin.)

Alice: "I win Ralph."

Ralph: "Let's celebrate. You go out to the movies and I'll shoot pool."

"Operation Protest":

(Ralph wants to beat up Clifford because Cliff caused Ralph to be fired.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."
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Old 01-10-2020, 09:46 AM   #983
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Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.
— Ralph Kramden
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Old 01-11-2020, 01:24 AM   #984
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There":

Ed: "A doctor once told me that I had a split-personality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton: The gay, carefree man-about-town. The other one was Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ed picks up a cricket bat.)

Ed: "What is it used for?"

Ralph: "To kill crickets."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "How would you like to bag an elephant Alice?"

Alice: "I already did."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I will be happy to live in a tent with you.'"

Alice: "I still am. I think it would be an improvement."

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph has just told Alice not to tell the Nortons about his promotion, but unbeknownst to Ralph, she did.)

Ralph: "I have been promoted. I am now an executive."

Ed: "What a surprise."

(Ed tries to act like he's surprised.)

Ralph (to Alice): "So you told him huh?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "I am not nervous, Alice. I am not nervous. I may be a little excited about inheriting $40,000,000, but I am not nervous."

(Ralph polishes his sock.)

Alice: "You are not nervous Ralph. You are not nervous at all. You just read in Esquire about how the well-dressed man always polishes his sock."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
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Old 01-12-2020, 01:28 AM   #985
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"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't evcn know what I look like."

Ed: "That's okay. Tomorrow, you go down there and apply for another job."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing (a towel wrapped around his head) for?"

Ed: "I thought that you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV show tomorrow."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "50% of that toothache is here (mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't tkae out your garbage because it was half-full. When it's full-full, then I will tkae it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there. It all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to impress Bill Davis by thinking that he has a very good and important job.)

Bill Davis: "What business are you in?"

Ralph: "Transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill Davis: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, every day he is in the driver's seat."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "How did you know that it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I can feel the floor sag."
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Old 01-12-2020, 07:06 AM   #986
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Alice:
[complaining about how Ralph is always out at night, leaving Alice alone at home] I'm left here to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls. Well, I don't want to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls! I WANNA LOOK AT LIBERACE!
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Old 01-13-2020, 03:29 AM   #987
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
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Old 01-13-2020, 08:47 AM   #988
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[Alice sees Ralph and Norton in the room, preventing her from using the phone; she leaves the room]

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] What was that?

Ralph:
I'll tell you what that is: she wanted to find out if I'm still here. She can't wait to get on that phone and start gabbing with everybody.

Ed Norton:
Of course she won't get on the phone. Don't be silly. She's gonna run up a big bill when you go away or something?
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Old 01-14-2020, 08:10 AM   #989
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"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "Did you know Mr. Kramden when he was a football player?"

Ed: "No Tommy. I was away at Prep School at the time."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph & Ed are at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I have just sunk in eighteen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't want to hear a sound from you."

Ed (accidently causing Ralph to miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice, Trixie and Ed offer to fight Ralph after Ralph said that he wants to fight Ed for the TV set.)

Ralph: "This fight is unfair."

Ed: "I know you got us outweighed, but we will fight you anyway."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Thelma, I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(Ralph is about to give the Raccoon Treasury report.)

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny Alice that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to name it 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Ralph?"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Alice had plenty of boyfriends. Why Eddie Townscend..."

Ralph: "Eddie Townscend? Eddie Townscend? Are you kidding me? He was a big, fat tub of lard."
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Old 01-14-2020, 08:34 AM   #990
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Ed Norton:
[reading from a script, as he helps Ralph rehearse] "I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies."

Ralph:
"I'm glad to hear..." [stops and looks up] "String of poloponies"? Where do you see that?

Ed Norton:
[pointing at script] Right there - "a string of poloponies".

Ralph:
That's "a string of polo ponies"!
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