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Old 12-23-2019, 09:12 AM   #946
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Thelma:
Okay.

Ralph:
[screaming] I told you to stop saying "Okay"! It's "Very good, sir"!

[pointing to Norton and himself]

Ralph:
This happens to be my guest, and I am your employer!

Thelma:
Hmm, some guest and some employer.

[pointing to Norton and Ralph in succession]

Thelma:
The simp and the blimp!

Ralph:
How dare you say that to me!

Thelma:
I quit!
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Old 12-24-2019, 08:12 AM   #947
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Default XMas Eve Quotes:

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53 version):

Ed: "Tomorrow my relatives are coming. They will be looking at the tree."

Trixie: "If I know your relatives, they will be sitting in the tree."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('52 version):

(Alice finishes decorating the tree. Ralph notices.)

Alice: "You certainly were no help."

Ralph: "What do you mean? I picked out tree, didn't I?"

Alice: "But I carried it home, didn't I?"

"Santa & The Bookies" ('53):

Ralph: "I can get my friend to help me but I want to tell you. He's not as smart as I am."

"Mr. Smith #1": He's not as smart as you?"

Ralph: "Yes."

"Mr. Smith #2": "He's hired."

All from "Run, Santa, Run":

#1:

Ralph: "It's a woman priviledge to tell her man that she's pregnant. I can't let her know that I know that she's pregnant."

Ed: "If it was the other way around, you would tell her."

#2:

(Ralph thinks that Alice is pregnant. Alice doesn't know.)

Alice: "You deserve a hot supper."

Ralph: "When should we expect it?"

#3:

Ralph: "That kid is going to high school, college, medical school. Eery cent I have is going to that kid's education."

Ed: "How much do you have?"

Ralph: "$12."

“Honeymooners X-Mas Special”:

#1

Alice’s Mom: “Where is Alice? The person that I said: ’30 years ago, you will marry that bum Ralph Kramden over my dead body.”

Ralph: “That is another promise that you didn’t keep.”

#2

Alice’s Mom: “Are you forgetting that my husband was in show business?”

Ralph: “Selling candy in a burlesque theater isn’t show business.”

#3

Alice’s Mom: “Don’t forget to hand Alice that check.”

Ralph: “What do you want me to do, tie a string around my finger?”

Alice’s Mom: “I got a better idea. Tie one around your neck.”

“Honeymooners Christmas Carol”:

#1

(Ralph tries to open the cot. He accidentally hurts his finger.)

Ralph (yells as he is holding his finger and going through some mannerisms): “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!....OWWWWWWWW!...AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

(Ralph puts his hurt finger in a bowl of water.)

Alice: “Did you hurt yourself Ralph?”

Ralph: “What made you think that?”

Alice: “I got a hint from the…” (imitating Ralph’s mannerisms when he hurt his finger): “Owwwwwww!”

#2

Ralph: “The Cratchett’s are very poor. Their furniture is shabby. There is paint peeling off the ceiling and the walls. They got an old stove.”

Alice: “Wait a minute. Is the name Cratchett or Kramden?”

#3

(Ralph has Ed write down the fact that he swears that he will take Alice on vacation.)

Ralph: “’I Ralph Kramden being of sound mind…”

Alice: “Oh wait a minute. It’s 3am, you are standing here, you have Ed writing down what you are saying and you have the gall to say that you are a sound mind?”

Ed: “You are right Alice. He is nuts.”

All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

#1:

Ralph: "Merry Christmas Norton. Anyway, I know it came from your heart."

Ed: "No, it didn't. It came from the Fat Man's Shop."

#2:

Ralph: "When they made me, they threw away the mold."

Ed: "They had to. You probably broke it."

#3

(Ralph puts Alice's present under the ice box.)

Alice: "Ralph, I put your present under there (under the ice box.)"

Ralph: "Here we are like a couple of kids. What did you get me?"

#4

Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Audience claps. Ralph stops the curtain from closing.)

Jackie (as himself): "Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"

(The Nortons come out.)

Jackie: "There they are."

(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)

Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot!

Merry Christmas to all!
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Old 12-24-2019, 08:53 AM   #948
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Herb Norris:
Now, tell me, sir, what do you do for a living?

Ralph Kramden:
[incredibly nervous; stammers] I brive a dus.

Herb Norris:
You brive a dus?

Ralph Kramden:
I dus a brive.

Herb Norris:
You dus a brive? Oh, I see, you're a bus driver. It that it?

[Ralph mumbles]

Herb Norris:
Well, now, there's nothing to be nervous about Mr. Kramden. Just relax and take it easy, and you'll get along a little better. Now, tell me, sir, are you married?

Ralph Kramden:
Yes.

Herb Norris:
You're married. And what is your wife's name?

Ralph Kramden:
Mrs. Kramden.

Herb Norris:
[audience laughter] Well, that's fine, now... Her first name, I meant.

Ralph Kramden:
Her? Who? Oh, her! Er, Alice.
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Old 12-25-2019, 11:26 AM   #949
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Default XMas Quotes:

All from "Run, Santa, Run":

#1

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant.)

Ed: "Trixie, are you with elf?"

Trixie: "No, I'm with nincompoop."

#2

(Ralph thinks that Alice is going to be pregnant.)

Ralph: "When can we expect the happy occasion?"

Alice: "After I go to the buther's and get you two lamb chops."

Ralph (to Ed): "Did you hear that? It's going to be twins."

#3

Ralph: "I'm going to be Santa Claus."

Ed: "Why can't I be Santa Claus?"

(Ed looks at how fat Ralph is.)

Ed: "On second thought, you should be Santa Claus."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53) & "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

Trixie: "Would you like to hear what Ed gave me?"

Alice: "You mean he gave you your present?"

Trixie: "He couldn't wait to give it to me. Do you know what he gave me?"

Alice: "What?"

Trixie: "An orange juice squeezer."

Alice: "An orange juice squeezer?"

Trixie: "It's no ordinary orange juice squeezer. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53) & "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

(In the last few minutes of the episodes, Alice unwraps her present.)

Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful."

Ralph: "You like it?"

Alice: "Yes."

Ralph: "Good and it's practical too. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53):

Joe The Bartender (played by Jackie Gleason): "Is this your wrap?"

Francis Langford (as herself): "Yes."

Joe (putting her coat around her): "Well, here let me wrap you."

All from "Honeymooners Christmas Carol":

#1

Ed: "These two parts that I am playing. What is my motivation? What is my feel?"

Ralph: "What is your motivation? What is your feel?" (making a fist): "This is your motivation. Do you want to feel it?"

Ed: "Ralph you wouldn't hit a 10-year-old who is also an 80-year-old, would you?"

#2

(Ralph has an assgot on which looks like a very big tie.)

Ralph: "A man with my broad talent has to work with amateurs."

Alice: "The only thing broad about you Ralph is your assgot."

#3

Alice: "You got Ed playing an 80-year-old man and a 10-year-old at the same time? What did you say the name of this play was?"

Ralph: "'A Christmas Carol.'"

Alice: "Are you sure it isn't' Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?'"

All from "Honeymooners Christmas Special":

#1

(Ralph comes home to find out that Trixie, Alice & Alice's Mom are there and they are all angry at him for taking their money as well as not depositing Alice's Dad's social security check.)

Ralph: "You are all right. I took all your money. I cashed in my own paycheck and I borrowed off my life-insurance and I even took my Raccoon Pension Plan. I put all that money into one lump sum and I invested in the greatest idea I ever had."

Alice: "What is that?"

Ralph: "Stand back."

(Ralph gets a small paper bag.)

Ralph: "It is in this bag?"

(Ralph opens it. A bunch of pieces of paper out.)

Ralph: "Lottery tickets."

Ed: "And you thought that Ralph was crazy."

Trixie: "I will vouch for that."

Ed: "He is as sane as I am."

#2

Ralph: "What is your mother doing in the bathroom? She has been in there for and hour and a half."

Alice: "She is doing what every woman does when they go to bed. She is putting on her beauty cream."

Ralph: "Let her put some vanishing cream on and disappear."

#3

Ralph: "You (Alice's Mom) have convinced Alice to leave me you old bat."

Alice's Mom: "I take that from whence it comes."

Ralph (making a fist): "Take this from whence it comes."

All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

#1:

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "ALICE! ALICE!"

(Alice opens the window.)

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT TRIXIE?"

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "DO YOU HAVE ANY ORANGES?"

Alice (yells): "YES. I WILL GIVE THEM TO YOU."

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "THANK YOU."

Ralph: "What does she think this is, a grocery store?"

#2:

Alice: "I'll tell you where I hid your gift. It's on the top shelf of the closet. I'm going up to see Trixie."

Ralph: "It makes no difference to me where you hid my gift."

(Alice leaves and Ralph goes to get his gift. His hand gets caught in a mousetrap.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

#3:

(Ralph shows Ed what he got Alice by going under the ice box. His hand gets caught in the mousetrap that is under there.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ed (thinking that the trap is the gift): "That is beautiful Ralph."

#4

Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Audience claps. Jackie stops the curtain from closing.)

Jackie (as himself): "Hold up. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"

(The Nortons come out.)

Jackie: "There they are."

(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)

Merry Christmas to all!
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Old 12-25-2019, 11:30 AM   #950
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Ed Norton:
[Ralph plans to leave Norton in his will his pair of bowling shoes] You know, I was just going to go out and buy myself a new pair of bowling shoes. This couldn't happen at a better time!
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Old 12-26-2019, 08:37 AM   #951
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed: "What are you yelling at me for? You got rid of the hic-koffs, didn't you?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You got no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh yes I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailer."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon of a cottage.)

Ed: "This cottage isn't so bad."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just found out that it was Ed who wrote the note.)

Mrs. Patterson: "Notice the open o's."

Ralph: "Open O's? I will open his head."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"
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Old 12-26-2019, 09:53 AM   #952
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Ed Norton:
[taking off his Captain Video helmet] Official space helmet off, Captain Video, wherever you are!
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Old 12-27-2019, 08:36 AM   #953
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."
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Old 12-27-2019, 08:51 AM   #954
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Ralph:
[referring to Ed Norton] I've got one thing that he hasn't got.

[pats his right hip]

Ralph:
I've got it here.

Alice:
[placing hands on hips and stomach] You've got it here - and you've got it here - and you've got it here.
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Old 12-28-2019, 08:44 AM   #955
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"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He's in the library."

Ed: "The library? He ought to get here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Opportuinty Knocks, But":

(Ralph is upset that Ed is now his supervisor.)

Alice: "It's a blow to your pride."

Ralph: "It's not my pride Alice. It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Face it Alice. The day Ed becomes my boss, I will quit."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I have got my pride."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
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Old 12-28-2019, 02:44 PM   #956
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Alice:
Spell "antidisestablishmentarianism".

Ralph:
I'll spell it.

[pauses apprehensively]

Ralph:
I'll spell it!

Alice:
[waiting patiently] Well? Go ahead.

Ralph:
I'll spell it!

[agitated]

Ralph:
I'll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it!

Alice:
[sarcastically] 16,000 for spelling it? I'll give you 32,000 if you can SAY it!
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Old 12-29-2019, 09:27 AM   #957
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"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph (knocking on door): "Got any mashed potatoes out there?"

(Door opens.)

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes out there?"

Cook: "We don't even have anything else to throw away."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat he was playing with in the tub.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept we out here for 20 minutes while you were playing with a boat in the tub."

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ed: "Some people will think that just because I have a sewer job, I have a glamorous job."

Ralph: "What job are you applying for?"

Ed: "Sewer inspector."
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Old 12-30-2019, 07:34 AM   #958
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Ralph Kramden:
[explaining the reason he won't buy Alice a TV set] I'm waiting for 3D television, that's the reason.

Alice Kramden:
Are you waiting for 3D refrigerators, too?
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Old 12-30-2019, 07:35 AM   #959
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Ralph Kramden:
[explaining the reason he won't buy Alice a TV set] I'm waiting for 3D television, that's the reason.

Alice Kramden:
Are you waiting for 3D refrigerators, too?
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Old 12-30-2019, 08:10 AM   #960
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Two men come into Ralph's apartment to offer him a job as insurance executive.)

Man: "Our operators have sent us a stack of reports about you that are a mile high."

Ralph: "Did you hear the story yesterday about me helping out an old lady with her bags."

Man: "Did I? She was one of our operators."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph is protesting a rent increase and wants Alice to back him.)

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not that I don't want to Ralph, it's just that, there's not much room back there."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewer workers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are waering at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Ship of Fools":

(A photographer feels Alice's leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "He just wants some cheesecake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli than?"
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