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Old 12-02-2019, 06:23 AM   #916
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"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."
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Old 12-02-2019, 09:36 AM   #917
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[Uncle Leo has heartily slapped Ralph on the back a few times, not realizing that he hurt his back; after Leo leaves, Ralph lets out a loud bellow of pain]

Alice Kramden:
[worried] Ralph, what happened?

Ralph Kramden:
Baby, nothing. I was just yawning.

Alice Kramden:
Yawning?

Ralph Kramden:
I'm tired.

Alice Kramden:
Sounded like feeding time at the zoo.
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Old 12-03-2019, 10:30 AM   #918
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"Man in the Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I'm not giving her this, boy. It's the first chance I've had any money of my own. You don't know what I have to go through when I wanna get something. A couple of months ago I wanted to get a bowling ball, you never saw such a riot take place. Arguing, screaming, yelling, ranting and raving! I finally had to say to her, "Now look, I'm the master of this house,..." (yells): "...GIVE ME THE MONEY FOR THE BOWLING BALL!!" (normally): "Then about three weeks ago I wanted to get a fishing rod, the same thing all over again. A couple of days ago I wanted to get a wallet. She started in all night, all day, all the next night and all the next day! I had to put my foot down again, I said..." (yells): "GIVE ME THE MONEY!!" (normally): "This time I'm keeping the money and I'm gonna get what I want, without any beefin'."

Ed: "What are you gonna get with it?"

Ralph: "A bowling ball, a fishing rod and a wallet!!!"

"New Manager":

Alice: "Why would Ralph run away?"

Ed: "He's married, ain't he?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "You are an idiot."

Ed: "Maybe I am, but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives tale Ralph: ĎA man works from sun-to-sun, but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"A Dog's Life":

Ed: "How about we call the food: 'Kramden's Delicious Marshall'?"

Ralph: "Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this food is. We might as well call it Marshall."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't drop by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How can I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper: 'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married."
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Old 12-04-2019, 08:32 AM   #919
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(Ralph is outraged that he and Alice now have a phone)
Ralph: What's the matter, is yelling out the window too good for you now? Was it raining out?
Alice: Yelling out the window is bad manners.
Ralph: Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She's been yelling out the window for 80 years!
Alice: Yeah? And before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to Amos 'n' Andy.
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Old 12-04-2019, 11:41 AM   #920
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Seeing you alive is like finding a million dollars."

Ed: "If that is the case, let Trixie pay for the coffee."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Everyone is in the super deluxe cottage.)

Alice: "It takes your breath away."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before."

Trixie: "I have never seen a place like this."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before too."

Ed: "Va-va-va-voom!"

Ralph: "There is a new one for you."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph sits down and eats his two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that that was my dinner. What are the fork and knife for, to commit suicide with?"

"Operation: Protest":

Alice: "Clifford hates momism."

Ralph: "Send him to his papa."

Alice: "He can't."

Ralph: "Where is his dad hiding?"

Alice: "He is in the Navy. He is up on the North Pole counting seals."

Ralph: "He's hiding."

"Operation: Protest":

(Ralph wants to beat up Clifford for costing him his job.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Double Trouble":

Trixie: "There are two Ralph's."

Ed: "You mean that the weight Ralph lost formed into another person?"
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Old 12-04-2019, 12:00 PM   #921
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Ralph:
If this lodge doesn't get some money soon, there isn't going to be a lodge. Did you hear what happened yesterday?

Ed Norton:
What?

Ralph:
The Acme Finance Company come in and took out the pool table. Day before that, they come in and took out the television set and the phonograph. And the day before that, they come in and took out the piano. What are we gonna do, Norton?

Ed Norton:
Well, we could hold our meetings at the Acme Finance Company.
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Old 12-05-2019, 08:42 AM   #922
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"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store Dream' we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Alice (yells): "RALPH?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

Alice (yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "OKAY."

Alice (yells): "WAHT'S OKAY?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You use the bathroom first one morning. The next morning, Ed will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to all my problems. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."
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Old 12-05-2019, 09:37 AM   #923
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[last lines]

Alice Kramden:
Gotta admit it, Ralph. Once in your life, you were right. We never should've gotten a television set.
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Old 12-07-2019, 08:40 AM   #924
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"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are finally washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Vacation at Fred's Landing":

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well now that is very clever and just which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack?" (yells): "IF I HAD ANY WATER, I WOULD PUT IT IN THERE."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph (yells): "WELL, DON'T THINK. JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to forget that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won himself a TV using a movie theater ticket that Ralph got for him.)

Ed: "It's just like the guys said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "It's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference in my life. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your mouth, we don't need one."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

G.F.: "I am going to put you in a state of hypnosis."

Ed: "Promise you won't hurt me?"
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Old 12-08-2019, 08:35 AM   #925
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"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"The Safety Award":

(Alice & Trixie have the same dress on.)

Ralph: "Don't those dresses look alike?"

Ed: "Alike? They are like the Bobbsie Twins."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit too?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortunate that is broken down."

Ed: "That is right. Someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Happy is the worst horse. I saw them take the bandages off the horse."

Ed: "Yeah, Happy had a bad headache."

"Two For The Money":

Man: "If he had bandages on his legs, why didn't he stretch them?"

Ed: "Happy didn't have to do that. They put Olive Oil on his legs before they put the bandages on."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."
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Old 12-08-2019, 09:17 AM   #926
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Herb Norris:
You know, I have a great deal of respect for bus drivers. It's always amazed me how you fellows who have this tremendous responsibility, and the tremendous number of people that you have to deal with, and the big machine, how you manage to remain so courteous and kind and considerate all the time.

Ralph Kramden:
Yes sir.

Herb Norris:
Well, of course, there are exceptions. For example, the other day, I was standing on Madison Avenue in the rain waiting for a bus, and as this bus driver bore down on me, I signaled for him to stop, and you know, instead of stopping, he went right by, went right through a puddle, and splashed mud all over me?

Ralph Kramden:
Was that you?

Herb Norris:
Mr. Kramden, I hope you win some money tonight, because I have a cleaning bill for you.
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Old 12-09-2019, 10:42 AM   #927
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Jackie Gleason is in the other room.)

Ed: "Why do you think everyone gave Jackie the nickname 'The Fat One'?"

Ralph: "That's 'The Great One.'"
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Old 12-10-2019, 10:28 AM   #928
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"Please Leave The Premises":

Mr. Johnson: "I couldn't just ask the rent commission for me to raise the rent. I had to prove hardship."

Ralph: "What did you use for evidence, a picture of this dump?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"King of The Castle":

(Trixie kicked Ed out.)

Ralph: "I don't know what went wrong. I told you to say to her that you are the king of your castle."

Ed: "I knew my part. Trixie didn't know hers."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Why your sister married that loud blowhard, I will never know."

Alice: "She did so because you were already married."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want you to lend me the money. It is what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:39 AM   #929
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"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Why your sister married that loud blowhard, I will never know."

Alice: "She did so because you were already married."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick can't me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I wish Trixie could make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that is starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want you to lend me the money. It is what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."
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Old 12-12-2019, 08:34 AM   #930
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "In this hotel, the guest doesn't have to lift a finger."

Ed: "Neither does the manager."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Now tell me why I would put my weight down on an income tax form?"

Ed: "How should I know? You are the one being investigated."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs of blubber."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and eats the rest of Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "I hoep he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The couples are in the cottage.)

Ed: "This isn't such a bad place."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who has spent most of his life in the sewer."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph (very angerily, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME AND THAT'S THAT."

Alice: "And they say that all fat men are jolly."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus just to take care of her. Now, this afternoon, I see her and a guy come out of an Italian restaurant and take a cab. That is loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Ed showcases his sense of humor.)

Bing Crosby: "What do you do?"

Ed: "I work in the sewer."

Bing: "That explains it."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Ralph's staff is right in front of him.)

Ralph: "Staff, dinner will be at 7 unless of course Bing doesn't come."

Ed: "In that case, we will eat at 6."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ralph is in the makeup lady's chair.)

Makeup Lady: "I'm exentuating the blue in your eyes."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "You laugh one more time and I'm going to exentuate the black in your eyes."
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