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Old 11-26-2018, 07:53 AM   #361
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"On Stage":

Ralph: "If this lodge doesn't get any money soon, there won't be a lodge. Do you know what happened yesterday? Yesterday, the ACME Finance Company came and took out the pool table. The day before that, they took out the phongraph. The day before that, they took out the pool table. What are we going to do Norton?"

Ed: "Well, we can always hold our meetings at the ACME Finance Company."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wife's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "Why don't we ask who isn't having the baby and ask HER?"

Ralph: "You have been hit on the head by one too many manhole covers."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "The sewer was swarming with FBI men."

Trixie: "FBI men? What were they doing in the sewer?"

Ed: "They were looking for wetbacks who were trying to beat the crosstown traffic."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "My mistake was not going to a ballgame instead of getting married."

Alice: "What did you say? What did you say?"

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice has the house all dark and has a lit candle on the dinner table hoping that Ralph would want to eat dinner in a romantic fashion. Ralph comes home.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't want to give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just called Ralph an elephant.)

Ralph: "I will remember that Norton. I will remember that."

Ed: "I know you will. An elephant never forgets."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

(Ralph just threw out the bus company adjuster. He came because he wanted to sign papers because Ralph got injured.)

Alice: "Ralph, this is the dumbest thing that you ever done."

Ralph: "You won't say that when we are living on Park Avenue."

Alice: "I thought that you were going to open a grocery store in Jersey."

Ralph: "I'll commute."
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Old 11-27-2018, 08:27 AM   #362
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"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ralph: "You are going to wear the bathing suit that I gave you."

Alice: "I can't wear that suit Ralph. It has a whole in the knee."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."
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Old 11-27-2018, 09:17 AM   #363
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Ed Norton: [reading from the golf book] "I cannot overemphasize the importance of the correct swing."

[to Ralph]

Ed Norton: In other words, it don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing!
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Old 11-28-2018, 08:27 AM   #364
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"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Oh, is that all that they are going to do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It just so happens Alice that I was planning on that refund - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I need all of the refund - all 42 dollars! I can't afford to let any of the 42 go! I got to go down to Fred's Landings - I need 42 dollars! What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?"

Alice: "We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Just ask for a cheaper tent with a smaller snake."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens and Nortons run into "Mr. Mosby" in hopes of getting a cottage. The one that they are in costs $2,000.)

"Mr. Mosby": "I'm going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy a cottage for us?"

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."

"Jellybeans":

(Ed takes some of the jellybeans and eats them. Ralph spots him.)

Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU EATING THOSE JELLYBEANS FOR?"

Ed: "What's the matter? What are they, poisoned?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Now give me the $5."

Ralph (making a fist in an angry fashion): "You want five? I will give you five right now."

"Without Reservations":

Stanley: "You know that this is the first time in a long time that I have been here for one of your meals?"

Ralph: "You act like you haven't eaten since."
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Old 11-28-2018, 08:54 AM   #365
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[Alice sees Ralph and Norton in the room, preventing her from using the phone; she leaves the room]

Ed Norton: [to Ralph] What was that?

Ralph: I'll tell you what that is: she wanted to find out if I'm still here. She can't wait to get on that phone and start gabbing with everybody.
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Old 11-29-2018, 08:54 AM   #366
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'Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Lost Baby":

Alice: "What was a baby doing on your bus?"

Ralph: "You don't expect a baby this young to walk do you?"

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "What's a five-letter word for fat?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's on old wives tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother was offered to appear in silent pictures but she turned it down so she can have a family."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why your mother was not in silent pictures was because she couldn't keep silent."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you see Dynamit wallop that cigarette machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."
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Old 11-29-2018, 09:21 AM   #367
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Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] I'm going to become a corporation. Do you know what a corporation is?

Ed Norton: Yeah, I know what a corporation is. When a person or group of persons duly authorized to sell, distribute shares, become avowed with the intention of the stockholders grouping about together, with those shares, with the intention of selling the shares, comes to an evil interest there.

Ralph Kramden: [pause] How did you know that?

Ed Norton: Ever heard of Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Pierce and Bean?

Ralph Kramden: Yes.

Ed Norton: They got an office right outside a downtown sewer I work in.
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Old 11-30-2018, 05:09 PM   #368
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"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is seeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him. What does he say?)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Alice is mixing plaster in a bowl. She tunrs on the radio and "In The Mood" plays. Ed Norton comes in and dances to the music with the bowl in his hands. Alice is amused.)

Alice: "Stop that Ed. You are getting plaster all over the floor."

(Alice turns off the radio.)

Ed: "I got an idea. Why don't the four of us all go out dancing one night."

Alice: "Ralph hates dancing."

Ed: "Forget about him. Just bring the bowl."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"
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Old 12-01-2018, 07:54 AM   #369
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Alice: [Ralph is yelling at Alice for talking on a new phone] I made one call, Ralph. One call! I spoke to Trixie.

Ralph: [incredulous] Trixie? Upstairs? You called her on the phone to talk to her upstairs? What, yelling out the window is too good for you now? What, was it raining out?

Alice: Yelling out the window is bad manners.

Ralph: Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She's been yelling out the window for 80 years!

Alice: Yeah? And before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to "Amos 'n' Andy".
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Old 12-01-2018, 10:09 AM   #370
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."
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Old 12-02-2018, 08:44 AM   #371
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"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are wondering how to get some money.)

Ed: "How about a reward?"

Ralph: "A reward?"

Ed: "Yeah, I was down at the post office the other day and on the wall, they had the fugitives from justice. $200 reward, $300 reward, $500 reward. Why don't we gou out and capture ourselves a couple of fugitives from justice?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest thing that I ever heard in my life. All I know is that they wanted fugitives from Bellevue, I would make a fortune."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know?"

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty in here is your head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Don't you have to call anybody to tell them that you'll be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? If I would tell anybody that I am going to be late, I would write a note and slip it down a manhole."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How can you even think of taking Ed to the movies oh his birthday when he took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is worried about being investigated by the I.R.S.)

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated."

Ed: "She is right. The jails are full of them."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is talking about the previous time him & Alice were at Fred's Landing. Ed is listening.)

Ralph: "You should have seen Alice running away from that snake. I thought I would die laughing."

Alice: "How could you see me running away? You were way ahead of me."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ed reveals that he accidently took the bag of groceries as his lunch.)

Ed: "I got one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 12-03-2018, 07:00 AM   #372
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Alice Kramden: Listen, Ralph, I did not spend that money on clothes and you know it! Besides, how far do you think 62 dollars a week will go?

Ralph Kramden: Will you shut your big mouth and stop yelling my salary? I don't want the neighbors to know how much I'm makin'!

Alice Kramden: Sixty-two dollars a week!
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Old 12-03-2018, 07:57 AM   #373
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"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store Dream' we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Alice (yells): "RALPH?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

Alice (yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "OKAY."

Alice (yells): "WAHT'S OKAY?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You use the bathroom first one morning. The next morning, Ed will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to all my problems. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."
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Old 12-03-2018, 08:17 AM   #374
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Ralph Kramden: Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano!
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Old 12-04-2018, 09:17 AM   #375
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"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wive's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is deprived of water for several days. He comes in looking sick.)

Ralph: "Is there anything I can get you?"

Ed (sounding completly healthy): "Yes. Water! Water! I want water!"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph & Ed are at the bank.)

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think that the wallpaper is pretty. She thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at the wallpaper.)

E: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ed: "La Cucaracha Shop. Is that the name of the boss?"

Swifty Jenkins: "No, it means The Cockroach Shop."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

(Ralph puts on a Mexican Sombrero.)

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed with a Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."
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