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Old 11-17-2018, 08:40 AM   #346
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"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."
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Old 11-17-2018, 09:08 AM   #347
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Ed Norton: I guess Agnes and Stanley are up in Niagara Falls now, huh?

Ralph Kramden: Yeah? If Stanley's up there, he's up there alone. She's here. Agnes is in the bedroom.

Ed Norton: Agnes is here?

Ralph Kramden: They had an argument, a big fight right after the reception.
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Old 11-18-2018, 08:37 AM   #348
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."
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Old 11-18-2018, 09:11 AM   #349
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Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Compared to you, Scrooge was a holiday playboy.
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Old 11-19-2018, 08:30 AM   #350
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"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not my fault Ralph. It's just that there is not enough room back there."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Mr. Kramden?"

Ed: "I'm as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I might have my own pool table in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you will probably have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "You have no foresight. You can't see this far in front of your nose."

Alice: "And that is another thing. I need glasses."

"Jellybeans":

Ed: "I was in a contest once. You had to name all the states. I was jiped out of the first prize. I named 66 states. The guy that won only named 48."

Ralph: "You are a mental case."

"What's The Name" & "What's Her Name":

(Ed is trying to see the theater marquee by looking out of Ralph's window.)

Alice: "Be careful Ed. You might fall out."

Ralph: "That is a chance we got to take."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexican Hat Trick":

(Ralph puts on a Mexican Sombrerro.)

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"
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Old 11-19-2018, 08:57 AM   #351
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[Ralph puts Norton on notice that their friendship is "suspended" for the duration of the costume competition]

Ralph: From here on in, we are deadly enemies. I don't want to see ya, I don't want to talk to ya, I don't want to have nothing to do with ya. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side!

Norton: When you come down the street, there AIN'T no other side!
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Old 11-20-2018, 08:31 AM   #352
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"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "Alice is going to an obstertrician."

Ed: "Good for her. It's about time that she gets that bunion removed."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "There is a prowler loose in the building. You better pile some furniture up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "I got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling, it's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Raffitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell him how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "I was driving my bus. He was going to walk across the street and then I stopped for a red light. If I gone through the light, I might have hit him. I saved his life."

Ed: "You didn't save his life, you saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Maybe we can Gleason to come if we say it is for charity."

Alice: "What charity is this?"

Ed: "Well, see we need a new pool table and when we get the money, we will give the pool table to the settlement house if they have enough money for it."
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Old 11-20-2018, 08:35 AM   #353
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Ralph: [Talking about his mother-in-law] Why couldn't she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble?
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Old 11-21-2018, 08:24 AM   #354
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"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He's in the library."

Ed: "The library? He ought to get here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Opportuinty Knocks, But":

(Ralph is upset that Ed is now his supervisor.)

Alice: "It's a blow to your pride."

Ralph: "It's not my pride Alice. It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Face it Alice. The day Ed becomes my boss, I will quit."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I have got my pride."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
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Old 11-21-2018, 11:36 AM   #355
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Alice Kramden: I am the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen. This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast!

Ralph Kramden: [Thelma the maid has been introduced to the Kramdens, and her appearance is not what Ralph expected] *This* is a maid? I thought maids had short skirts with white hats and black silk stockings.

Alice: Ralph!

Thelma: [speaking to the agency manager, indicating Ralph] The chubby one's gonna be trouble.
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Old 11-22-2018, 08:36 AM   #356
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Default Thanksgiving Quotes:

"Mama Loves Mambo":

(Ralph gives his poor excuse of a breakfast to Alice and Trixie.)

Trixie: "Ed, I don't want to taste this yet. You taste it."

Ed (looking at the food): "No, it's gentlemen to wait for the women to try it first. I may wait until tomorrow."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ed eats a turkey leg from the ice box. Ralph comes in and Ed sees him.)

(Ed hums the "Dragnet" theme.)

Ed: "Well I hope that when they do my life on Dragnet that they leave my name out to protect the innocent."

Ralph: "You put that turkey leg down or they'll be doing your life on medic."

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "Maybe your sisters are better off than we are. But I got more expenses. I got more expenses than all of their husbands put together."

Alice: "Sure, they don't go to the Fat Man's Shop to get suits."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Carlos: "If your wives ask you guys to do something simple like open a door for her, why don't you do it?"

Ralph: "He wants to know why we don't do it. Why we don't it. Why we don't do it. Why we don't do it. Because it's too much trouble. That's why we don't do it."

All from "A Weighty Problem":

#1

(Ralph & his friends are at the Raccoon Lodge. His friends are sick because they ate too much food. Ralph has a piece of a drumstick in his hand. He goes over to the kitchen and knocks.)

Ralph: "You got any mashed potatoes and bread in there?"

(The cook opens the door.)

Cook: "What?"

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes and bread?"

Cook: "We don't have anything else to throw away."

#2

(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)

Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?" (picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"

#3

Freddie: "You only eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

All from "We Spy":

#1

Ed: "It was just recently Thanksgiving."

Russian: "Thanksgiving?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a new holiday in Moscow. It's to celebrate the landing of the Proletarians on Vladivostok."

#2

(At the party, Ed and subsequently Ralph just revealed the "new" Russian Holiday of Thanksgiving. The Russian party thrower wants everyone to roast the goat in honor of Thanksgiving because that is what Ralph said is one of the traditions of Thanksgiving.)

Russian: "Holiday weekend."

Ralph (angerly to Ed) : "Holiday weekend."

Ed: "It's a good thing it isn't New Year's Eve. Can you imagine all the finks on the road from Minsk to Finsk?"

#3

(Ralph spots his Russian capturers as they try to go on a train with a lot of luggage.)

Ralph: "What are you guys doing?"

Russian: "We are going to Moscow to celebrate new Russian holiday: Thanksgiving."

Happy Thanksgiving!
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Old 11-22-2018, 08:41 AM   #357
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Default Thanksgiving quotes

Ralph Kramden: I asked you if you had any leftovers for last night's supper.

Alice Kramden: Ralph, we're eating at my mother's.

Ralph Kramden: I told you, I am not going to your mother's, I'm too tired, and I gotta get to bed early.

Alice Kramden: You'll still get to bed early. We'll go to mother's, eat supper, and come right home.

Ralph Kramden: Now, you know I'm not that kind of a man. I'm not the kind that eats and runs.

Alice Kramden: Eats and runs? The way you eat, you're lucky you can walk!

Ralph Kramden: Oh, if I wasn't tired, would you get yours!
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Old 11-23-2018, 01:04 AM   #358
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"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Alice gives Ralph some celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your supper Ralph?"

Ralph: "My supper? You mean to tell me that that was my supper? What are these things (knife & fork) for, to commit suicide with?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build I would sya that you have well-developed muscles, got good bone structure, fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."
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Old 11-24-2018, 08:33 AM   #359
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus, just to take care of her. All ofa sudden today, I see her coming out of a restuarant and go into a cab with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Somebody down at the bus depot had an idead for a plaque to put on Ralph's bus that says: 'You are now driving with the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. I like that. Ed, you can tell me, who thought of the idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "You got to talk Trixie into taking that dress off."

Ed: "I am too young to die."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."
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Old 11-25-2018, 08:37 AM   #360
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"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Oh, is that all that they are going to do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It just so happens Alice that I was planning on that refund - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I need all of the refund - all 42 dollars! I can't afford to let any of the 42 go! I got to go down to Fred's Landings - I need 42dollars! What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?"

Alice: "We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Just ask for a cheaper tent with a smaller snake."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens and Nortons run into "Mr. Mosby" in hopes of getting a cottage. The one that they are in costs $2,000.)

"Mr. Mosby": "I'm going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy a cottage for us?"

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."

"Jellybeans":

(Ed takes some of the jellybeans and eats them. Ralph spots him.)

Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU EATING THOSE JELLYBEANS FOR?"

Ed: "What's the matter? What are they, poisoned?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you see Dynamite wallop that cigarette machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."
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