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Old 11-09-2018, 08:34 AM   #331
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"Follow The Boys":

(Ed is doing a crossword puzzle outside.)

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one: House. H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They don't present a challenge."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Ed & Alice are lovers. Ed is in Ralph's home.)

Alice: "Excuse me sweetheart."

Ralph: "Who are you calling 'sweetheart.'"

Alice: "Norton. Who else?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Norton Moves In" & "Battle of The Sexes":

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. When ever your mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11p."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket Ralph."

Ralph: "Thank you."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"
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Old 11-09-2018, 08:49 AM   #332
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Ralph: [to Alice] I catch the fish, you cook the fish. The only time we're together is when we eat the fish.
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Old 11-10-2018, 08:43 AM   #333
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed: "What are you yelling at me for? You got rid of the hic-koffs, didn't you?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You got no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh yes I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailer."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon of a cottage.)

Ed: "This cottage isn't so bad."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just found out that it was Ed who wrote the note.)

Mrs. Patterson: "Notice the open o's."

Ralph: "Open O's? I will open his head."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"
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Old 11-11-2018, 08:42 AM   #334
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Default Veterans Day Quotes:

All C39 from "Please Leave The Premises":

#1:

Mr. Johnson: "The rent commission gave me permission to raise the rent. My reasons are right there in that note."

Ed: "I knew this would happen as soon as the war ended."

#2:

Ralph: "This is war Alice. Total war and it's going to be run like a war. George Washington never gave up. He fought for a cause the same way I am. I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

#3:

Alice: "Do you realize that for the last few days, we hadn't had any heat, water or electricity. And now that you have this silly barricade up, we can't go out and buy any food."

Ralph: "I'm' not giving up Alice. I'm not giving up. Boy, a few inconvencies and right away you want to quit."

"Brother-In-Law":

Alice: "Frank has had this trouble with his back ever since the war."

Ralph: "Trouble with his back since the war? You're gith Alice. The war did give him a lot of trouble with his back on account he was hiding from the draft board in those damp cellars. That's why."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What does a guy who works in the sewer that he needs $2 right
away."

Ed: "Today's payday and the men down the sewer got a little dice game going. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

(Alice's sister is giving a lot of luggage to Ralph who is giving the luggage to Stanley. One of the pieces being, a suitcase.)

Stanley: "I got it. I got it."

(Alice's sister gives Ralph a fourth suitcase.)

Ralph: "The allies invaded Normady with less than this."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Boy, if you were only miy size. If you were only my size..."

Alice: "If I was, I would be the fat lady in the circus."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "What is your middle name?"

Ed: "I rather not say."

Ralph: "Come on. Go ahead and tell us."

Ed: "Etherlburt."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I was in Europe once."

Man: "Did you like it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

Happy Veterans Day!
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Old 11-11-2018, 09:59 PM   #335
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Norton: [to Ralph on how he adjusted his watch by looking out the window] I set my watch by the Chinese restaurant. It opens at 5PM every day.

[Ralph stares]

Norton: You don't believe me, do you? I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you don't believe me. I can tell you the time, all night long just by that Chinese restaurant. For instance, they start cooking the egg foo yung at 5:26. The first whiffs of that reach my apartment window upstairs at about, oh, 5:28. And they reach your window at 5:27 and 56 seconds. It's a known fact that the aroma of egg foo yung rises at the rate of 320 feet per second. Now, moo goo gai pan, which is of a heavier consistency, travels upwards at a slower rate. They start making that at about 5:37. Sometimes, somebody comes in, orders the family dinner, then I'm completely thrown. I don't know what time it is.
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Old 11-12-2018, 08:38 AM   #336
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"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last custumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last custumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "This is serious, Norton! Not only that my back hurts, but, I'm half hot and I'm half cold! My head is red hot and my feet are ice cold! Do you know what it is to have a hot head and cold feet?"

Norton: "I get that way any August day in the sewer during high tide."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won himself a TV using a movie theater ticket that Ralph got for him.)

Ed: "It's just like the guys said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Are the guys coming to pick you up?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "Can you give me a lift?"

Ed: "Sure. Always room for two more."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"
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Old 11-12-2018, 08:58 AM   #337
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Mrs. Gibson: [sees Ralph's suitcase] What's that, your lunchbox?
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Old 11-13-2018, 08:36 AM   #338
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“Ralph Kramden Inc.”:

Ralph: “How could you tell if you saw a yellow-bellied sap sucker when they are not supposed to be around here.”

Ed: “Because the bird that I saw had a yellow belly and it was sucking sap.”

“Young Man With A Horn”:

Alice: “All right Ralph. You haven’t touched this cornette (sp?) in years.”

Ralph: “I want to keep it.”

Ed: “He has a point Alice. He hasn’t seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them.”

“Dial J For Janitor”:

Ralph: “Your garbage can was only half full. When it’s full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here – save a trip there and it all adds up.”

Ed: “That is what I am afraid of. It is mounting up all over the building.”

“Man In The Blue Suit”:

Alice: “Lucky suit? You haven’t worn the suit in five years.”

Ralph: “Do you know anybody who has been as unlucky as I have been in the last five years?”

Alice: “Yeah. Me.”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Ralph: “I am not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me.”

(Alice puts a bowl on Ralph’s head and “salutes” him.)

Alice: “Har-har-har!”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Trixie: “$989 for a summer cottage.”

Alice: “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of Ralph’s harebrained schemes.”

Ed: “Don’t give him all the credit. It was partly my idea too.”

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
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Old 11-13-2018, 08:51 AM   #339
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[last lines]

Ralph: [screaming at Alice] Did you have to give me blueberry pie?
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Old 11-14-2018, 08:36 AM   #340
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"Without Reservations":

(The boys are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "You know the girls can't see their nose in front of their face."

Ed: "That is the only hope we got."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "After all, we don't have to finish this hotel until they get the highway built."

Trixie: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Cottage for Sale Part 1":

(Ralph tells Alice that he will get the money for the cottage from his life insurance. Alice thinks that that is crazy.)

Alice: "You got rocks in your head Ralph."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two Men on a Horse Part 1":

(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6 from?"

"Man in the Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonely around here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why don't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would if you just go away every once and a while."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber."
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Old 11-15-2018, 07:49 AM   #341
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Ed Norton: I have the floor; you're out of order.
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Old 11-15-2018, 09:49 AM   #342
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"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Alice gives Ralph some celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your supper Ralph?"

Ralph: "My supper? You mean to tell me that that was my supper? What are these things (knife & fork) for, to commit suicide with?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build I would sya that you have well-developed muscles, got good bone structure, fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."
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Old 11-15-2018, 10:07 AM   #343
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Ralph Kramden: Look at that thing. And he said it was made across the seas. You know, I thought he was kidding me, but right there, it says, "Made in Japan".
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Old 11-16-2018, 08:41 AM   #344
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."
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Old 11-16-2018, 08:48 AM   #345
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Mrs. Gibson: Look, Alice, just because you're married to a horse doesn't mean you have to live in a stable.
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