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Old 11-01-2018, 08:02 AM   #316
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Ralph: Don't "Oh, Ralph" me! I'm sick and tired of that "Oh, Ralph"! The bills will get bigger and bigger, and I'll get less to eat. I'll start losing weight. Then you know what I'll look like?

Alice: Yeah, a human being.

Ralph: Oh, are you gonna get yours!
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Old 11-02-2018, 08:33 AM   #317
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
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Old 11-02-2018, 08:59 AM   #318
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Thelma: Okay.

Ralph: [screaming] I told you to stop saying "Okay"! It's "Very good, sir"!

[pointing to Norton and himself]

Ralph: This happens to be my guest, and I am your employer!

Thelma: Hmm, some guest and some employer.

[pointing to Norton and Ralph in succession]

Thelma: The simp and the blimp!

Ralph: How dare you say that to me!

Thelma: I quit!
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Old 11-03-2018, 07:47 AM   #319
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed: "What are you yelling at me for? You got rid of the hic-koffs, didn't you?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You got no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh yes I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailer."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon of a cottage.)

Ed: "This cottage isn't so bad."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just found out that it was Ed who wrote the note.)

Mrs. Patterson: "Notice the open o's."

Ralph: "Open O's? I will open his head."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"
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Old 11-03-2018, 07:51 AM   #320
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Ralph Kramden: Are you trying to tell me that I'm afraid of Alice?
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Old 11-04-2018, 03:44 PM   #321
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-----Original Message-----
From: Jacqueline Gannucci <gannooch@aol.com>
To: bucci.michael <bucci.michael@yahoo.com>; youreariot <youreariot@yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Sun, Nov 4, 2018 08:25 AM
Subject: Sunday's Quotes:


"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Alice gives Ralph some celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your supper Ralph?"

Ralph: "My supper? You mean to tell me that that was my supper? What are these things (knife & fork) for, to commit suicide with?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build I would sya that you have well-developed muscles, got good bone structure, fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."
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Old 11-04-2018, 09:58 PM   #322
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Ed Norton: If pizzas were manhole covers, the sewer would be a paradise.
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Old 11-05-2018, 09:08 AM   #323
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"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "Alice is going to an obstertrician."

Ed: "Good for her. It's about time that she gets that bunion removed."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "There is a prowler loose in the building. You better pile some furniture up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "I got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling, it's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Raffitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell him how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "I was driving my bus. He was going to walk across the street and then I stopped for a red light. If I gone through the light, I might have hit him. I saved his life."

Ed: "You didn't save his life, you saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Maybe we can Gleason to come if we say it is for charity."

Alice: "What charity is this?"

Ed: "Well, see we need a new pool table and when we get the money, we will give the pool table to the settlement house if they have enough money for it."
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Old 11-05-2018, 09:20 AM   #324
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Alice Kramden: Now you listen to me, Ralph. My mother is coming here and you're going to be nice to her.

Ralph Kramden: Be nice to her? That's impossible! We don't get along. We're enemies, natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose. She hates me, Alice!
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Old 11-06-2018, 08:25 AM   #325
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Default Election Day Quotes:

All Color quotes from "The People's Choice":

#1

(Ralph looks outside the window as Ed blows air into his paper bag and pops it. Ralph thinks that he has been shot and screams in pain. When he realizes what Ed did, he gets mad at Ed. Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

#2

(Mr. Miller & Mr. Weaver want Ralph to run for Assembly.)

Mr. Miller: "I read some of his (Ralph's) interviews in the newspaper. He doesn't sound smart."

Mr. Weaver: "That is what we want. A stupid hero."

#3

Ralph: "I'm a hero. A hero. A heeero. Do you know what a hero is?"

Alice: "Yeah, a fat sandwich."

"People's Choice Part 2":

(Ralph & the rest of the gang are on the street with instruments [including Ed wearing a drum with suspenders], and advertisements that say: "Vote For Kramden.")

Man: "What do you know about an assemblyman?"

Ralph (giving the signal to Ed to start playing his drum that gives Alice the signal to play the cymbals): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? What do I know about being an assemblyman?" (hitting Ed): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? I'll tell you what I know about being an assemblyman."

(Ed plays his drums & Alice plays the cymbals while Ralph mouths words.)

(The music stops.)

Ralph: "That's what I know about being an assemblyman. Do you have any other questions?"

Man: "Yes. When did you four nuts escape?"

"The People's Choice Part 2":

Ralph (reading his speech to a couple): "'Friends, pretty soon it will be time to go to the polls and vote. You can vote for a guy like me, Ralph Kramden. A fearless citizen who has captured such ruthless people as Bullets Durgem or you can vote for the other guy, that dirty bum, Harvey Porter. If you elect me, I will give you honest government'..."

Woman: "Come on John."

(They leave.)

Ralph: "I'll put new parks in the benches. I'll..." (yells): "SHE WON'T BE SUCH A RIOT AFTER YOU MARRY HER."

"Forgot To Register":

Alice: "Harper is for people like us."

Ralph: "Harper is not for people like us. Penrose is for the little man and I am a little man. Don't you dare say it"

All from "The Deciding Vote":

#1

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you didn't vote for Frank McGillicuddy?"

Ed: "McGuillicuddy? I don't even know how to spell his name."

#2

Ralph: "All right Ed. If you did not not vote for me, than who did?"

Ed: "Joe Rumsey."

Ralph: "Joe Rumsey. That's impossible. Why would he do that?"

Ed: "Remember that vaccum cleaner you gave him. He tried it out. He didn't do so well with the oatmeal test either."

#3

(Ralph & Ed turn on the vacuum but it doesn't suck up dirt.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop of erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."
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Old 11-06-2018, 08:36 AM   #326
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Ralph: Wouldn't it be much easier, if you bought a new watch?

Norton: No, why? Nothin' wrong with my watch. All it needs is a new mainspring. I just gotta find a guy to fix it. I think I'll write a letter to Walt Disney tonight.
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Old 11-07-2018, 08:24 AM   #327
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"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish from his basket.)

Alice: "This is what you had the big tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, it's 2am in the morining and Aunt Ethel isn't home yet."

Ralph: "She better get home early if she has to wake me up at 6am."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed (reading another one of the bottles): "'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil.'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ralph trains for his fight with Harvey with Ed.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "ARGGGGGGGGGGH!...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!...WAAAAAAAAAAAA...OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWW!" (to Ed): "Why did you hit me in the stomach for when you told me to cover up my face?"

Ed: "That should be a lesson. You should never trust anybody in the boxing ring."
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Old 11-07-2018, 08:33 AM   #328
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Ed Norton: [reading from a script, as he helps Ralph rehearse] "I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies."

Ralph: "I'm glad to hear..."

[stops and looks up]

Ralph: "String of poloponies"? Where do you see that?

Ed Norton: [pointing at script] Right there - "a string of poloponies".

Ralph: That's "a string of polo ponies"!
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Old 11-08-2018, 08:40 AM   #329
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the
car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The men are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why did you raise everybody and then say: 'I'm out.'"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."
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Old 11-08-2018, 06:25 PM   #330
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Norton: Bo-dee-do-do, 23 skidoo, I'll kiss you later, I'm eating a potato!

[laughs again]

Ralph: What's wrong with those expressions?

Ed Norton: Boy, oh, boy, how can anyone so round be so square?
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