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Old 05-02-2006, 10:16 AM   #256
Lamont
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Default SO TRUE!

i lived in san antonio for 2 years while in the army
and they thought my backwoods self was a yankee!
__________________

I have not been trading for some time now, so please do not ask---- sorry, i cannot help you!
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Old 05-03-2006, 05:21 AM   #257
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Default You will never win a election

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the Election


10. Your campaign manager keeps mispronouncing your name

9. On outside of letter you get from Publisher's Clearinghouse: "You may already be a loser!"

8. Campaign rally chants of "Four more years!" refer to your prison sentence

7. Your "motorcade" is down to a rental car and a fat kid on a bike.

6. All the TV ad time you bought was on CBS prime time

5. Next to your name on the ballot it says, "Yeah, right."

4. You rise to offer a rebuttal during a televised debate, and the moderator says: "Save your shoe leather, junior! We're all voting for the other guy!"

3. Gennifer Flowers won't return your calls

2. During debate, your opponent says, "I knew Forrest Gump, I worked with Forrest Gump, and you're no Forrest Gump."

1. Even you voted for the other guy

Harvey
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Old 05-03-2006, 05:24 AM   #258
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Default Never

Never eat at a place called Mom's.

Never play cards with a man named Doc.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired.

Never argue with a woman when she's rested.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!

Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.

Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.

Never say "Oops" in an operating room.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

Never eat prunes when you're hungry.

Never say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "I just sold the last one the other day."

Never use one word when twelve will suffice.

Never be the first to do anything.

Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.

Harvey
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Old 05-04-2006, 05:43 AM   #259
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Default You might be a scrooge

your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.
your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata.
you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.
your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson.
your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir.
your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog.
your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

Harvey
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Old 05-04-2006, 05:44 AM   #260
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Default You might be a bad cook

you call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw. (
you look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
the smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.
you turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled. it takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish.
your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk.
the microwave display reads "TILT!" (
you open your dishwasher after living in your house for two years and the plastic is still in it.
when you BBQ the kids won't come outside, instead they stand inside the screen door watching you.
...three of them hold water guns and the 4th has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
the last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.
your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. you make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.
you can use your overcooked food as a weapon.
your food melts plastic and silverware. the dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
all your baked goods have the names "asphalt" or "Hockey puck." you've ever cooked a broccoli casserole and forgot to add the broccoli. if you cook the leftover cut-outs of a jack-o-lantern.
there are bones in your toast.
all you cook seems to be left overs.the judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett's biscuits over yours. the leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren. those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies. you used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan! you've ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking. you forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat wave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
you refer to flour moth larvae as 'a little extra free protein.' anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock pot nine days old tastes like. you tell them that the gray fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.' if you avoid the hassle of having to ever reason your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for 'flavor.' you hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
there's no such thing as an unusable leftover.
you know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.you really have messed up a salad.
the family pets are no where to be found during dinner
around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.
you have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.

Harvey
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Old 05-04-2006, 03:01 PM   #261
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Default A very difficult quiz

Somtimes I wonder about the intelligence of this group, so I'm offering a test that was used at John Hopkins University to test the aptitude of the students.

See how you do.

Three young women have all been working eighty-hour weeks for six
years in the struggle to make partner at the prestigious law firm,
and the cutoff date is fast approaching. Each one is brainy,
talented, and ambitious, but there's only room for one new partner.
At a loss as to which one to pick, the senior officer finally devises
a little test. One day, while all three are out to lunch, he places
an envelope containing five hundred dollars on each of their desks.
The first woman returns the envelope to him immediately. The second
woman invests the money in the market and returns fifteen hundred
dollars to him the next morning. The third woman pockets the cash. So
which one gets the promotion?

Scroll down for the answer















The one with the big boobs

Harvey
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Old 05-04-2006, 03:41 PM   #262
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Default

Here's a quiz for everyone who thinks he/she is a know-it-all....

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is
genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and
they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the letter "S."


If you are dying to know the answers, send $25.00 via paypal to me ...never mind....

Answers are below

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends .boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons . . asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and
are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the
entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at
the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation
point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh . . lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . . .
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.
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Old 05-04-2006, 04:03 PM   #263
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Default

I'll admit, I got this one wrong:


There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before looking down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
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Old 05-04-2006, 04:22 PM   #264
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jasimon1
I'll admit, I got this one wrong:

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
That one stumped me too, but my first inclination was to ask "why does a blind man need sunglasses"?
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Old 05-04-2006, 04:27 PM   #265
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Try this test....

http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm
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Old 05-04-2006, 04:34 PM   #266
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Default

That is really good
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Old 05-04-2006, 04:51 PM   #267
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by T-Greg


You GOT a score of 10 out of 11
You rating: Wow! Come to work for us!


Pill question got me !
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Old 05-04-2006, 06:11 PM   #268
y2k3Joker
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Default Wonderlic Anyone?

http://www.angelfire.com/fl3/existence/wonderlic.html


Here's a sample of the famous Wonderlic Exam. See how you do on this.
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Old 05-04-2006, 06:21 PM   #269
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by T-Greg

Damn I got 10! Stupid Moses!
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Old 05-04-2006, 06:21 PM   #270
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by y2k3Joker
http://www.angelfire.com/fl3/existence/wonderlic.html


Here's a sample of the famous Wonderlic Exam. See how you do on this.
i took a wonderlick, for a actual job about 10 years ago

its far different than doing it online

theres no warning

theres no figureing paper

theres no count down timer

20 minutes and you havent an idea how much is left

you cant skip questions

there are 50 total on the one i took

proctor said no one has ever gotten all 50 answerd in the 20 minutes

since its scored on how many you do,and the % of correct

so it doesnt pay to guess

i got 38 for a score

and no i didnt get the job

something about attitude etc etc............


vince young got either a 6 or a 9, and hes a millionaire now
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