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Old 10-07-2019, 07:21 AM   #856
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"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He's in the library."

Ed: "The library? He ought to get here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Opportuinty Knocks, But":

(Ralph is upset that Ed is now his supervisor.)

Alice: "It's a blow to your pride."

Ralph: "It's not my pride Alice. It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Face it Alice. The day Ed becomes my boss, I will quit."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I have got my pride."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
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Old 10-07-2019, 11:23 PM   #857
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember, you can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arm around you."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can you a job with me down in the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You are willing to shell out money from your life insurance for this carzy idea. That settles it Ralph. You got rocks in your head."

Ralph (yells): "I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT NOTHING IN MY HEAD!"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed enter the broken-down cottage.)

Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed. What are we going to tell the girls. THey will kill us after seeing that place in the showroom. What are we going to do?"

Ed: "If it wasn't January, we can pop out from behind them and yell: 'April Fool.'"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just discovered a love letter that he thinks someone wrote to Alice.)

Ralph: "Everyone in the neighborhood knows about this. I am probably the laughingstock of the whole neighborhood. Am I the neigherborhood's laughingstock?"

Ed: "Yeah, and they don't even know about this yet."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Alice: "The only thing that is overstuffed around here is YOU."

Ralph: "That is the same line that your mother used when I threw her out bodily."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "When you save the money, you can't take it with you."

Alice: "You are right. I never go anyplace."
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Old 10-09-2019, 09:24 AM   #858
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"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are wondering how to get some money.)

Ed: "How about a reward?"

Ralph: "A reward?"

Ed: "Yeah, I was down at the post office the other day and on the wall, they had the fugitives from justice. $200 reward, $300 reward, $500 reward. Why don't we gou out and capture ourselves a couple of fugitives from justice?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest thing that I ever heard in my life. All I know is that they wanted fugitives from Bellevue, I would make a fortune."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know?"

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty in here is your head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Don't you have to call anybody to tell them that you'll be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? If I would tell anybody that I am going to be late, I would write a note and slip it down a manhole."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How can you even think of taking Ed to the movies oh his birthday when he took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is worried about being investigated by the I.R.S.)

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated."

Ed: "She is right. The jails are full of them."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is talking about the previous time him & Alice were at Fred's Landing. Ed is listening.)

Ralph: "You should have seen Alice running away from that snake. I thought I would die laughing."

Alice: "How could you see me running away? You were way ahead of me."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ed reveals that he accidently took the bag of groceries as his lunch.)

Ed: "I got one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 10-10-2019, 07:12 AM   #859
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"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me tell you something Ralph. When was the last time you lifted 400 pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, don't you even think about giving away this
furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pooltable in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you will probably have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000? Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the sizes of dollar bills and find out."

(Ed opens the suitcase to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Norton, do you like the furniture here?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph (to Alice): "There you are."

Ed: "Of course. I don't live here."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph tries to butter up Alice.)

Ralph: "Do you know how foolish I am going out every night when I have a beautiful wife at home?"

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Norton, I'm going to remember you in my will. I'm leaving you my bowling shoes."

Ed: "Boy, thanks pal. I was just going to go out and buy myself a new pair of bowling shoes! This couldn't happen at a better time!"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(The gang is in the broken-down home.)

Ed: "How long is this lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "How long is that?"

Ralph "99 years."

Ed: "99 years?"

Ralph: "Yes, 99 years. That's what America gets from Great Britian when they do that lend-lease stuff."

Ed: "Yeah, but this place isn't exactly Bermuda."
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Old 10-11-2019, 07:06 AM   #860
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"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only realxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that that has a key for opening the door at Bellevue."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I am going to sue the landlord? Where is he?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Expectant Father":

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregannt. They all act real nice around their wives.)

Trixie: "What is going on here?"

Ed: "That is for you to know and for me to find out."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your home in the city."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"We Spy":

(Ed just said to Ralph that he was a Naval Intelligence in the Navy.)

Ed: "Where is the sun?"

Ralph: "Right up there, naval intelligence."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man (to Ralph & Ed): "I don't usually drink."

Bartender (to the man): "What do you want?"

Man: "The usual."
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Old 10-12-2019, 06:40 AM   #861
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"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that we have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "I am the master of this house and you are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph & Ed are playing poker with a bunch of people.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everyone if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "That is a peephole. When someone knocks on your door, you look through that just in case it is a person that you don't want to let in like a deliver boy."

Ed: "The only thing you can deliver through there is a salami."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Ralph (to Emily): "He has a sickness."

Ed (as Count Marco): "I am allergic to sphagetti."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You think that I am Shorty."

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who is Shorty?"

Ralph: "How should I know? I never met him."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here is another bottle. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT IS OLIVE OIL."
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Old 10-13-2019, 07:22 AM   #862
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that after looking at that guy that you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Yeah. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Don't you know that this morning, Ralph insisted on making the beds."

Trixie: "That is wonderful."

Alice: "What is wonderful is that he got me up at 5:30 so that he could make them."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus, there were two empty seats and who takes them?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks Alice packed him an awful lunch. He goes to the stove and sees Alice's shoes. Ralph doesn't know what to make of this. He doesn't know that Alice put them there so they could dry.)

Ed: "I know what you are going to have for dinner."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "A pair of socks."

"Lunchbox":

Ralph: "What do you have for lunch?"

Ed: "Don't ask. All I get is peanut butter sandwiches, peanut butter sandwiches and more peanut butter sandwiches. I am telling you it is terrible Ralph."

Ralph: "Why don't you complain to Trixie?"

Ed: "I make my own sandwiches."

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "I didn't know that anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."
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Old 10-13-2019, 11:10 PM   #863
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Default Columbus Day Quotes:

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Head of The House"):

Ralph: "There would be no America if it wasn't for Christopher Columbus."

Alice: "There would be no Christopher Columbus if it wasn't for his mother."

"Catch A Star":

Ralph: "Where would we be if Christopher Columbus hadn't taken the chance and discovered America?"

Alice: "We would be in Italy and you would be telling everyone that you knew Gina Lolobrigida."

"Dinner Guest":

Ralph: "Every man in history has had a woman behind him. Christopher Columbus had Isabella. Napoleon had Josephine."

Alice: "Oh, don't tell me that you are comparing yourself to Napoleon."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Yeah Ralph, tell him how you once saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, Jackie Gleason walked across the street, and I stopped for a red light."

(Ralph looks at both Ed & Alice.)

Ralph: "Well, if I had gone through the red light, I would have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100%."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Alice: "Mom's apartment is not getting any smaller."

Ed: "No, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of a slogan for Flakey-Wakey's Cereal.)

Ralph: "Flakey-wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "...but take away from your fat little waist."

Happy Columbus Day!
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Old 10-15-2019, 09:00 AM   #864
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"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store Dream' we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Alice (yells): "RALPH?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

Alice (yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "OKAY."

Alice (yells): "WAHT'S OKAY?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You use the bathroom first one morning. The next morning, Ed will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to all my problems. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."
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Old 10-16-2019, 06:36 AM   #865
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"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Something's Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ed: "I have a well-thought plan to eliminate the deficit. Secretary, would you please strike this down in the record? As we all know, the club dues are $2 a month and even with that the Raccons haven't been paying their dues. I see no reason why we can't shrink the dues down to a $1 a month. Even then, if the member's don't pay their dues, it will be cutting the deficit in half."

Ralph: "Would you mind repeating that?"

Ed: "I said the club dues are $2 a month. If we shrink the dues down to a dollar a month...Secretary, would please erase this from the record?"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

Ed: "Mike Douglas was down the sewer one time to present the USO Award."

Ralph: "USO Award?"

Ed: "Yeah United Sewerworkers Of."

Ralph: "Of what?"

Ed: "We don't know yet. No one will take us."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."
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Old 10-17-2019, 06:58 AM   #866
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"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed uses a lit match to look at the thermometer.)

Ed: "What is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you saya bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Head of The House"):

Ralph: "I am a horse. You are a mouse."

Ed: "Well, let me say this. I rather be a live mouse than a dead horse."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Alice wants a TV set."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, how did Alice know of something like TV sets. I thought you kept her in the dark on things like that."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "All I know is that when I win the jellybean contest, I am going to get myself that leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will have a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lsoe, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "I wear the pants around this house."

Alice: "Believe me, those pants would fit around this house."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you can play music, you can play any kind of music."

"Ed: "Oh yeah? Name me one Rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "You work in the sewer and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

Ed: "I got sick down there too. They were painting the sewer."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "I want the walls to be brown. Not as dark as a hazel-nut brown. Not as brown as morbid milk brown. There's a certain way that the sun at Coney Island has a way of striking the a hot dog's mustard which reflects off the hot dog through the mustard and sauerkraut. That's the kind of brown that I want."

Ralph: "What about the moldings and window frames?"

Ed: "I sort of visualize them as a misty gray. Did you see that technicolor movie with Ricardo Cortez? I want the grey from his eyes. Not the iris part of his eyes, but the cornea."

Ralph: "That kind of grey huh? What about the door?"

Ed: "The door I haven't really thought to much about."

Ralph: "I think it should be something neutral so it doesn't clash with anything."

Ed: "Good thinking. It should be a delicate badge. Not a harsh badge, just a neutral delicate badge."

Ralph: "Let me see if I got all this right. You want the walls to be a brown like the sun striking through the mustard and saurkraut on a hot dog. You want the moldings and window frames to be the gray of Robert Cortez's eyes. Not the iris, but the cornea and you want the door to be a nice delicate beige."

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "I'm painting the whole joint green."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Trixie: "I married two dummies in one day."

Ed: "Are you insuinuating that I am the other dummy?"

Trixie: "Yes dear."
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Old 10-17-2019, 11:06 PM   #867
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut down on my bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph looks at the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Your husband certainly is a trea-sure."

(Rita leaves.)

Alice: "A trea-sure? If he keeps this up much longer, he will be a buried trea-sure."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't even know what I look like."

Ed: "That is okay. You og down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, try not to give away the furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "We are living just like the Indians did."

Ralph: "If the Indians had to live like this, no wonder they are the vanishing race."

"The Mod Couple" (aka "Honeymooners In England"):

Trixie: "I don't think I am the maid type."

Ed: "She's right Ralph. Do you think you can cast her as an English Bulldog?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "How do you like your new place Triixe?"

Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question to ask me when I have a hammer in my hand."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I dropped the soap somewhere in the bathroom. You will have to find it."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER." (slipping on soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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Old 10-19-2019, 06:33 AM   #868
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"Principle of The Thing":

(Ralph & Ed are about to redecorate the apartment.)

Alice: "If you ask me, this wall shouldn't be papered. It should be padded."

(She leaves.)

Ralph: "Ooh, just once. Bang!"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Alice: "You are going to that wedding Ralph. You are going to the wedding. You are going to the wedding."

Ralph: "I am going to the ballgame."

Alice: "You are going to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO THE BALLGAME."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE WEDDING."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

Alice: "You are not going to the game."

Ralph (opening the door): "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

(Alice opens up the window.)

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO MY SISTER'S WEDDING."

(Alice closes the window.)

(Ralph comes back up.)

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE GAME."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Well, I have to confess Mr. Faversham that I was in the 1927 follics of the bus drivers. As a matter of fact, I walked on stage and I didn't do anything and the audience was laughing."

Ed: "That ballet dress you had on didn't do you any harm."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Do you know how embarrassing it is to be thrown out of the Raccoon Lodge?"

Alice: "Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing just being in it."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
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Old 10-19-2019, 11:31 PM   #869
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"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once where they said 50% of the pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (in the mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is in here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Peacemaker":

Ralph: "You know that when I lay down on that bed, it takes me an hour to get to sleep."

Alice: "Remarkable. Every night for fifty-nine minutes, you snore before you go to sleep."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"On Stage":

Ed: "While I was in the Navy, I studied typing under the G.I. Bill and I happened to be the best in the class."

Ralph: "Then why didn't you get a job in an office instead of one down the sewer?"

Ed: "I couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up in a stuffy office all day."

"On Stage":

Mr. Faversham: "Mr. Norton, did you notice that when he came in here how his (Ralph's) voice filled this room?"

Ed: "I did notice that the room got a little crowded."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question they asked me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "If Frank can win a contest, so can I. Because I am smarter than he is."

Ed: "That's because you have me helping you."
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Old 10-21-2019, 06:51 AM   #870
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"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph (knocking on door): "Got any mashed potatoes out there?"

(Door opens.)

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes out there?"

Cook: "We don't even have anything else to throw away."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. Your my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph: "What do you think is the first thing we should do here?"

Alice: "Burn it down."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph & Ed are sparing in front of Dynamite Moran.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph
(yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGH...OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE?"

Ed (yells): "I WAS JUST TRYING TO TEACH DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"We Spy":

Trixie: "Ralph, why didn't you help Ed carrying the suitcases?"

Ralph: "Because I strained my back."

Alice: "How?"

Ralph: "When I put the suitcases in his arms."
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