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Old 05-13-2018, 08:15 AM   #1
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Default Quotes:

Mother's Day Quotes from The Honeymooners:

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "I want you to read this letter Ralph. It was made by a man a long time ago."

Ralph (reading the letter): "'Dear Mom, I'd just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average women must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise, wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage. Somehow she must keep her balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches or else she's accused of being partial and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-laws place, weigh her in the balance, being completely fair; they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first women to make it.'" (not reading): "This is pretty nice. Who wrote it?"

Alice: "You did."

"Hello Mom":

Trixie: "Ed, what did you say about my mom?"

Ed: "I said that she was the most mean, most rotten, sweetest person that I ever met."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice's Mom: "Alice, you look thin. Are you getting enough to eat?"

Alice: "Sure I am. You won't say that if you look at our food bill."

Alice's Mom: "Well, I don't doubt that the bills are high. But, how much of the food are you getting?"

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "Hello. How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."

"The Next Champ":

(Dynamite Kid is punching in the air.)

Ed: "Boy, look at him Ralph. He fights like a panther. He reminds me of the greatest street fighter I ever saw."

Ralph: "Who was that?"

Ed: "Trixie's mom."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "All I know is that your mother has been asking your father the same question for a long time and he hasn't been able to answer it yet."

Alice: "What question is that?"

Ralph: "Why don't you get a job?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "When I got married, I had a more modern stove than that."

Ralph: "When you got married, fire wasn't even invented."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Why Eddie Townsend was begging to marry her (Alice.)"

Ralph: "Eddie Townsend? Eddie Townsend? Are you kidding me? That big, fat tub of lard."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph just challenged Alice's Mom to a fight. He goes to the bedroom seconds later.)

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph (opening the door): "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

For all mothers out there, have a Happy Mother's Day!
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Old 05-14-2018, 07:17 AM   #2
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'Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Lost Baby":

Alice: "What was a baby doing on your bus?"

Ralph: "You don't expect a baby this young to walk do you?"

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "What's a five-letter word for fat?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's on old wives tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother was offered to appear in silent pictures but she turned it down so she can have a family."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why your mother was not in silent pictures was because she couldn't keep silent."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you see Dynamit wallop that cigarette machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."
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Old 05-15-2018, 07:35 AM   #3
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"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "I will have you know my good man that that is what they are serving at the Eisenhower Inaugural Dinner."

Ralph: "Who's catering there, democrats?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "Alice, I hope that you are satisfied. You are the first woman in history to interupt that Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well Scottie-Wattie-Do-Dah-Day!"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that's strong enough to do that."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "What's the matter with you? Here my house is braking up and my happiness is being destroyed and you want to go bowling."

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. How about a little game of pool?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

Ed: "Hey, whay don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph enters the room. Alice's Mom doesn't see him.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "Hello! How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."
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Old 05-16-2018, 07:26 AM   #4
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"Cupid Part 1":

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: (going to play the coronet) "I dont know if I rememeber this song I got the music right here."

Alice : "Stand back Ed this is liable to be messy."

Ralph: "You're liable to be messy in a about 5 seconds from now!!"

"$99,000 Answer":

(Ralph just told Herb that he was a bus driver.)

Herb Norris: "One time I was waiting for a bus in the pouring rain. I saw a bus coming. I signaled for the bus to stop but instead the driver drove the bus in the puddle and I got all dirty."

Ralph: "Was that you?"

(Herb didn't know that the bus driver was Ralph because he didn't see him.)

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The gang is in the lemon of a cottage.)

Alice: "Ralph, give me the frying pan out of the suitcase?"

Ralph: "You are going to cook something for us?"

Alice: "No, I am going to hit you right on top of your head with it."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "You have no foresight. You can't see this far in front of your nose."

Alice: "And that is another thing. I need glasses."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph enters the room. Alice's Mom doesn't see him.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "Hello! How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take your bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"
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Old 05-17-2018, 06:43 AM   #5
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"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only realxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that that has a key for opening the door at Bellevue."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I am going to sue the landlord? Where is he?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Expectant Father":

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregannt. They all act real nice around their wives.)

Trixie: "What is going on here?"

Ed: "That is for you to know and for me to find out."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your home in the city."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"We Spy":

(Ed just said to Ralph that he was a Naval Intelligence in the Navy.)

Ed: "Where is the sun?"

Ralph: "Right up there, naval intelligence."

"Corse of The Kramdens":

Man (to Ralph & Ed): "I don't usually drink."

Bartender (to the man): "What do you want?"

Man: "The usual."
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Old 05-18-2018, 07:25 AM   #6
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"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?"

Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's favorite."

Ralph: "Well, I hope when Ricardo gets here tonight he enjoys it!"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch for him. He also sees Alice's shoes in the stove. He doesn't know that they were there for drying purposes.)

Ralph: "What were the shoes doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What do you think they were stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be surprised."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Oh, is that all that they are going to do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It just so happens Alice that I was planning on that refund - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I need all of the refund - all 42 dollars! I can't afford to let any of the 42 go! I got to go down to Fred's Landings - I need 42 dollars! What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?"

Alice: "We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Just ask for a cheaper tent with a smaller snake."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed & Ralph are trying to think of a way to get that woman, as they refer to her as, out of the phone booth. Unbeknownst to them, the woman is Alice.)

Ed: "Why don't we go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home. She leaves. Then, we come back here to call up the hypnotist."

Ralph: "Did you just say to go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home, then when she leaves, we use this phone to call up the hypnotist?" (yells): "I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID IN MY LIFE. THIS PHONE WOULD BE BUSY IF WE DID THAT."
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Old 05-19-2018, 06:55 AM   #7
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get the soccer scores from Australia."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."
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Old 05-20-2018, 06:27 AM   #8
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"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."
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Old 05-21-2018, 06:46 AM   #9
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"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wives name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"On Stage":

Ed: "While I was in the Navy, I studied typing under the GI Bill and I happened to be the best in the class."

Ralph: "Why didn't you get a job in an office instead of owrking in the sewer?"

Ed: "I couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up in a stuffy office all day."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your city home."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, the door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, this is a Dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those Dutch people must be very short."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "I wear the pants around this house."

Alice: "Believe me, those pants would fit around this house."

"You're In The Picture":

(The Kramdens & Nortons are in Spain. Alice wants to buy something.)

Ralph: "What do you think I am, made of posadas?"

Alice: "I said posadas. Not potatoes."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

(Ralph, with a broken leg, walks on crutches into the kitchen.)

Ralph: "You know, it's time like this when I realize how selffish you are. You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything like get a pencil by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Boy, if you were my size. If youw ere only my size..."

Alice: "If I was, I would be the fat lady in the circus."
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Old 05-21-2018, 06:46 AM   #10
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"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wives name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"On Stage":

Ed: "While I was in the Navy, I studied typing under the GI Bill and I happened to be the best in the class."

Ralph: "Why didn't you get a job in an office instead of owrking in the sewer?"

Ed: "I couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up in a stuffy office all day."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your city home."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, the door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, this is a Dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those Dutch people must be very short."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "I wear the pants around this house."

Alice: "Believe me, those pants would fit around this house."

"You're In The Picture":

(The Kramdens & Nortons are in Spain. Alice wants to buy something.)

Ralph: "What do you think I am, made of posadas?"

Alice: "I said posadas. Not potatoes."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

(Ralph, with a broken leg, walks on crutches into the kitchen.)

Ralph: "You know, it's time like this when I realize how selffish you are. You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything like get a pencil by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Boy, if you were my size. If youw ere only my size..."

Alice: "If I was, I would be the fat lady in the circus."
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Old 05-22-2018, 09:14 AM   #11
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph accidently pours Ed's beer into the mixture that they are making to make the bair-growing formula.)

Ed: "I was looking for my beer."

Ralph: "You stupid stupe! You made me poor the beer into the mixture."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"
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Old 05-23-2018, 07:09 AM   #12
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to straighten up with his bad back. He stands up straight but in an unnatural way.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is impatiently waiting for Ed to get out of the bathtub so he can take a bath. Ralph is worried that he will be late for work with all the waiting that he is doing.)

Alice: "We will make a schedule. One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use it first."

Ralph: "That solves the whole problem. Now, I will only be late every other day."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11p."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"
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Old 05-24-2018, 07:26 AM   #13
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"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph "I have been driving a bus for the Gotham Bus Company."

Bud: "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I have problems."

Ed: "You are telling me. You kept me awake all last night."

Ralph: "You hear about it?"

Ed: "Did I hear about it? The top floor is betting 8-5 that you go to the wedding."

"Stand-In For Murder Part One":

Ralph: "I was just upset that Alice thinks that there is no one stupid to offer me a job like that."

Ed: "This guy sound stupid enough."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "My pal Harvey is bigger than me."

Ralph: "I got a friend Shirley who is bigger than you."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at his watch.)

Ed: "He should be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Without Reservations":

(All of them are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that. I think that they are holding up the wall."
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Old 05-25-2018, 07:21 AM   #14
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restuarant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."
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Old 05-26-2018, 06:42 AM   #15
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type who would bend over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I'm going to learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(Ralph is about to give the Raccoon Treasury report.)

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am five pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been reading a chart for a hippo."

"Ralph's Diet":

Ralph: "I don't need the diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny Alice that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to name it 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"The Main Event":

(Dynamite Moran is punching in the air.)

Ed: "Boy, look at him Ralph. He (Dynamite) is like a panther. He reminds me of the greatest street fighter I ever saw."

Ralph: "Who is that?"

Ed: "Trixie's mother."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph mentions to Alice his plan about becoming Dynamite Moran's manager. Dynamite is a boxer.)

Ralph: "This is a fullproof plan."

Alice: "Yeah and you are just the fool that can prove it."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph & Ed are at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I have just sunk in eighteen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't want to hear a sound from you."

Ed (accidently causing Ralph to miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."
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