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Old 07-04-2018, 09:29 AM   #76
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Alice: [Ralph is yelling at Alice for talking on a new phone] I made one call, Ralph. One call! I spoke to Trixie.
Ralph: [incredulous] Trixie? Upstairs? You called her on the phone to talk to her upstairs? What, yelling out the window is too good for you now? What, was it raining out?
Alice: Yelling out the window is bad manners.
Ralph: Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She's been yelling out the window for 80 years!
Alice: Yeah? And before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to "Amos 'n' Andy

Ralph: [to Alice] Let's get something straight right now, right here and now: a man's home is just like a ship. And on this ship, I am the captain. I am the captain of this ship, do you understand that? You are nothing but a lowly, third-class seaman. That's all you are. Your duties are to get the mess, swab the deck and see that the captain feels good. That's all you have to do. Remember, you're nothing a third-class seaman. I'm the captain.
[He notices that Alice is leaving and he stops her]
Ralph: Where are you going?
Alice: Seaman Kramden, third class, is retiring to the poop deck until this big wind blows over.
[leaves the room]
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Old 07-04-2018, 09:57 AM   #77
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Default July 4th Quotes:

"Champagne & Caviar":

(Ralph wants Ed to not be at the Kramden apartment because he is afraid he is going to embarrass Ralph when Ralph's boss gets there.)

Ed: "I am planning to go to the movies with Trixie."

Ralph: "I insist you got a movie."

Ed: "All right. Show the boss what you are made of. You deserve the best. After all, it's men like you that make America great."

"TV or Not TV":

Alice: "You couldn't get a TV set like everybody else. Oh no! You had to drag this poor soul to help you buy it and when the poor soul wants to watch the TV, you got to pick on him."

Ed: "That's what you do. You pick, pick, pick."

Ralph: "Oh shut up!"

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): 'AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 pounds of it."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part One":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a shower."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I will do them for you."

"Box Top Kid Part 2":

Ralph: "When he gets here, I am you and you are me. You got it?"

Ed: "Yes. I am not Ralph Kramden. You're Ralph Kramden. I am not Ralph Kramden. You're Ralph Kramden..."

Ralph (yells): "NO!"

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ed washes and dries the bugle while whistling.)

Ed: "Oh, I bet that this thing ought to blow like a bell now."

(Ed plays "reville".)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the really broken-down hotel.)

Ralph (to Ed): "You keep it up and you won't even be a bellhop. You'll be a..."

Alice: "Why don't you make him a guest? Nothing can be worse than that."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph explains all the things that "irritated" Ed. They sound like things that shouldn't irritate Ed.)

Ralph: "I also had to go to work without my bath. That's what I did to him."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"Six Months To Live":

Mailman: "I was told to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm MR. Kramden."

(The mailman holds out his hand. He is possibly expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

Happy July 4th!
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Old 07-04-2018, 10:15 AM   #78
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Alice Kramden: [Ralph has gone into the bedroom to get Alice's slippers] Oh, Ralph? Ralph!
Ralph Kramden: [comes out, mildly annoyed] What is it now?
Alice Kramden: I forgot to tell ya something and it's very important. I told Tony that I lived with my brother. See, he doesn't know that I'm married, so when he gets here, you just say you're my brother.
Ralph Kramden: [nods in agreement, turns to go into the bedroom, and immediately storms out] *WHAT*? You told him that you were not what and I'm who?
Alice Kramden: Well, I couldn't very well tell him that I was married. They don't believe in hiring married women; it's an office rule.
Ralph Kramden: [getting steamed, somewhat incredulous] And also that Frank and Bill and Pete and George, they don't know that you're married, either?
Alice Kramden: Of course not. See, they figured that if they hired a married woman, she might leave to start a family, or her husband might tell her to quit to something.
Ralph Kramden: Oh, they're so right! You are quittin'! You are quittin'! And this isn't your brother talkin', this is your husband!

Alice Kramden: [Ralph has been laid off and Alice is talking about getting a job to help make ends meet] I can get a job as a secretary.
Ralph Kramden: Oh, you can. And who do you think is gonna do the housework around here?
Alice Kramden: [smiles sweetly] Guess...
Ralph Kramden: Oh, no! No, sir, Alice. No, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir! No, sir! Not me!
Alice Kramden: Oh, yes, you are, Ralph! I'm getting a job and you're gonna do the housework!
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Old 07-05-2018, 08:35 AM   #79
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."
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Old 07-05-2018, 08:47 AM   #80
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Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, what's the normal temperature, around 98, ain't it?

Ralph Kramden: 98.6.

Ed Norton: What would you say a bad temperature is?

Ralph Kramden: Hundred and two, 103. What is it, Norton? What is my temperature?

[Norton becomes shocked as he examines the thermometer; Ralph gets impatient]

Ralph Kramden: WHAT'S MY TEMPERATURE, NORTON?

Ed Norton: [crying out] A HUNDRED AND ELEVEN!

Ralph Kramden: A hundred and eleven?

Ed Norton: Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life!
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Old 07-06-2018, 07:54 AM   #81
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"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store Dream' we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Alice (yells): "RALPH?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

Alice (yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "OKAY."

Alice (yells): "WAHT'S OKAY?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You use the bathroom first one morning. The next morning, Ed will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to all my problems. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."
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Old 07-06-2018, 08:22 AM   #82
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Alice: Ralph, what do you need ten dollars for? What crazy scheme have you got in mind now?

Ralph: It ain't no crazy scheme. I need the money to rent a costume for the party tomorrow night.

Alice: Rent a costume? I thought you were going to do what you did last year - wear a torn undershirt, talk out of the side of your mouth and go as Marlon Brando.

[Ralph puts Norton on notice that their friendship is "suspended" for the duration of the costume competition]

Ralph: From here on in, we are deadly enemies. I don't want to see ya, I don't want to talk to ya, I don't want to have nothing to do with ya. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side!

Norton: When you come down the street, there AIN'T no other side!


Ralph: What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments.

Alice: I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day?

Ralph: I need ten dollars to get my costume. I got it all picked out. I'm going as King Henry VIII.

Alice: Nothing doing, Ralph. I can't spare the ten dollars.

Ralph: All right, I said I'd be reasonable and I will be. If you can't give me ten, I'll take five. For five dollars, I can go as Billy the Kid.

Alice: [shakes head] I tell you what I will do: I'll give you a tin can and you can go as Billy the Goat.
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:01 AM   #83
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"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph (knocking on door): "Got any mashed potatoes out there?"

(Door opens.)

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes out there?"

Cook: "We don't even have anything else to throw away."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat he was playing with in the tub.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept we out here for 20 minutes while you were playing with a boat in the tub."

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ed: "Some people will think that just because I have a sewer job, I have a glamorous job."

Ralph: "What job are you applying for?"

Ed: "Sewer inspector."
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:14 AM   #84
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[Alice has hung up on Ralph after he calls her to cook a meal for Joe Fensterblau]
Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] You and I, we're goin' home, we're gonna cook that meal ourselves. When Fensterblau gets there tonight, I'll say that Alice cooked it, but she had an appointment, and she had to leave.
Ed Norton: That's a good idea. After all, men are the best chefs, aren't they? Oscar of the Waldorf, Pierre of the Ritz, Grace Kelly's father...
Ralph Kramden: What does Grace Kelly's father got to do with it?
Ed Norton: He cooked up a pretty sweet dish!
Ed Norton: [Norton is amused that Ralph had told a newspaper reporter that he is the boss of his house] I'm just tryin' to get a picture of what you're gonna look like in a French Foreign Legion uniform.
Ralph Kramden: Are you trying to tell me that I'm afraid of Alice?
Ed Norton: I know you. We're buddies for a good long time, Ralph. I know you pretty good. Now, just take a little advice. Get on a phone and call that newspaper, and tell them to hold the presses, stop the presses, and don't print that statement.
Ralph Kramden: Oh, no. Not me, Norton. That's the kind of a thing you'd do, but not me. And that's the difference between us, Norton. That's the difference. I am a boss; you are a mouse.
Ed Norton: Well, I got one more thing to say: I'd rather be a live mouse than a dead boss.

Ralph Kramden: On the day we were married, I said two things: one, "I do," and two, "I'm the boss.
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:15 AM   #85
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[Alice has hung up on Ralph after he calls her to cook a meal for Joe Fensterblau]
Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] You and I, we're goin' home, we're gonna cook that meal ourselves. When Fensterblau gets there tonight, I'll say that Alice cooked it, but she had an appointment, and she had to leave.
Ed Norton: That's a good idea. After all, men are the best chefs, aren't they? Oscar of the Waldorf, Pierre of the Ritz, Grace Kelly's father...
Ralph Kramden: What does Grace Kelly's father got to do with it?
Ed Norton: He cooked up a pretty sweet dish!
Ed Norton: [Norton is amused that Ralph had told a newspaper reporter that he is the boss of his house] I'm just tryin' to get a picture of what you're gonna look like in a French Foreign Legion uniform.
Ralph Kramden: Are you trying to tell me that I'm afraid of Alice?
Ed Norton: I know you. We're buddies for a good long time, Ralph. I know you pretty good. Now, just take a little advice. Get on a phone and call that newspaper, and tell them to hold the presses, stop the presses, and don't print that statement.
Ralph Kramden: Oh, no. Not me, Norton. That's the kind of a thing you'd do, but not me. And that's the difference between us, Norton. That's the difference. I am a boss; you are a mouse.
Ed Norton: Well, I got one more thing to say: I'd rather be a live mouse than a dead boss.

Ralph Kramden: On the day we were married, I said two things: one, "I do," and two, "I'm the boss.
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Old 07-08-2018, 07:42 AM   #86
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"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph (sarcastically): "I hope you realize that water always recedes it's level."

Ed: "Yeah, we heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."
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Old 07-09-2018, 08:34 AM   #87
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"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."
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Old 07-10-2018, 10:07 AM   #88
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"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wive's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is deprived of water for several days. He comes in looking sick.)

Ralph: "Is there anything I can get you?"

Ed (sounding completly healthy): "Yes. Water! Water! I want water!"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph & Ed are at the bank.)

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think that the wallpaper is pretty. She thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at the wallpaper.)

E: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ed: "La Cucaracha Shop. Is that the name of the boss?"

Swifty Jenkins: "No, it means The Cockroach Shop."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

(Ralph puts on a Mexican Sombrero.)

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed with a Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."
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Old 07-11-2018, 08:13 AM   #89
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"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"The Sun & Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph brings out his Raccoon pants that are now so big that they don't fit him.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped,
yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
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Old 07-11-2018, 10:08 PM   #90
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Ralph: "You know somethin'? Talkin' like this -- teaches you one thing. Actin' young isn't what keeps you young. But if you got some memories, some good memories, of when you were young, that's what keeps you young.

"Thinkin' about it in your old age,...that's the whole secret of it."
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