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Old 02-18-2018, 03:26 PM   #1
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Oliver: "There's something wrong with the carburetor."
Eb: "Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it."
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:31 PM   #2
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Oliver: "But he couldn't be dead."

Fred Ziffel: "Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral."

Oliver: "Are you sure?"

Fred Ziffel: "I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one."
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:32 PM   #3
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Lisa: "When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor."

Oliver: "Who?"
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Old 03-04-2018, 05:07 PM   #4
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Lisa Douglas: "Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him."

Ralph Monroe: "My lips are sealed."

Hank Kimball: "Now if we could only keep them that way."

Ralph Monroe: "If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!"
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Old 03-08-2018, 05:15 PM   #5
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Oliver: "Eb, why don't you pull up the weeds that are growing in the wheat."

Eb: "Can't I just pull up the wheat? There ain't as much of that."
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Old 03-09-2018, 04:23 PM   #6
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Let's not forget the ever present exclamation in the first year in both Green Acres and Petticoat Junction whenever the Douglas' said where they were living.
Various Characters, at once or individually:
"The HANEY PLACE?'
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Old 03-26-2018, 04:28 PM   #7
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Eb Dawson: "Boy, you sure are ruining my love life. In our civilization a fella without wheels is nowhere."

Oliver: "Eb, even with wheels you're nowhere."
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:02 PM   #8
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Hank: "Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. Did you know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year-old child's is?"
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:03 PM   #9
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Oliver: "You mallet head!"
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:18 PM   #10
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Oliver Wendell Douglass: [after watching a "conversation" between Lisa and an oinking Arnold] How can you carry on a conversation with him? I can't understand a thing he's saying!

Lisa Douglas: That's because you don't LISTEN!
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Old 06-22-2018, 07:36 PM   #11
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Lisa: (to Oliver)"What do you want?"
Oliver: "Ham and eggs."
Lisa: "We don't have any ham!"
Oliver: "We could have."
(Arnold Ziffel squeals and runs out of the Douglas' house.)
Oliver: "There's a pig who's all chicken."
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Old 06-23-2018, 06:50 AM   #12
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Old 06-23-2018, 01:06 PM   #13
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Lisa: "He was reincarcerated."

A note about this quote: Lisa meant to say "He was reincarnated" instead of what she said.
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Old 06-23-2018, 01:09 PM   #14
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Eb Dawson: Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe!
Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?
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Old 06-23-2018, 01:18 PM   #15
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Oliver: (to Eb)"I'M NOT YOUR DAD!"
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