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Old 02-18-2011, 04:52 AM   #1
Sean Conner
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Join Date: Feb 18, 2011
Location: Lanford, Illinois
Posts: 120
Default Fan Fiction: The Fight Before Christmas

I am a Roseanne nerd. I've watched the show for my entire life and I've found their holiday episodes best mirror my upbringing as a child - namely, they're never perfect.

The Christmas episodes were my favorite. They were not as annual or known as the Halloween ones - but they were pretty awesome in their own right.

My favorite is No Place Like Home for The Holidays (actually my 2nd favorite behind Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore). Yet there weren't any Christmas episodes from the earlier seasons. There was a Thanksgiving one in season two, but the first true Christmas episode didn't come until Santa Claus in Season Four.

So what if there had been a Christmas episode earlier in the series? I decided to write one just for fun and I placed it in Season Two - shortly after the Thanksgiving episode We Gather Together.

The episode surrounds the always contentious relationship between Becky and Roseanne. Becky wants to spend Christmas with Jimmy Meltrigger and his family at a cabin. Of course, this doesn't sit well with Roseanne.

It's not as long as a traditional episode would be, but I think it flows like one. I tried to do my best with the Roseanne-style humor and hopefully you'll find that the characters fit their roles well enough and the jokes are funny.

But I'll admit, I've never written a script for a sitcom before. I am not a particularly funny guy and maybe the jokes just don't work. If not, so be it. I'm not going to be disappointed if no one likes it, or even reads it.

Still, I thought I'd post it and see what all you Connerphiles like myself think!

So, with all that out of the way, here's the script (it is in script form, so hopefully it's easy to read):

Quote:
...............

THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(Season Two, 1989)


EXT. CONNER HOME - MORNING

A still shot of the Conner home as a gentle gust of snow sprinkles from the sky.

INT. CONNER HOME - LIVING ROOM - SAME

DAN sits on the couch, lounging around watching Christmas-themed television shows. ROSEANNE, vacuuming, finds herself blocked by Danís legs.

She shoves the vacuum gently into his leg. He doesnít budge.

ROSEANNE
Move your feet!


Dan looks up.

DAN
Oh what? Were you talking to me?

ROSEANNE
No. I was talking to your feet.


Dan grabs his foot and moves it toward his ear.

DAN
Whatís that Mr. Foot? You donít want to move?

ROSEANNE
Iíll take off your big toe, Dan Conner. Donít tempt me.


Dan smiles and retreats - spreading his entire body across the couch.

ROSEANNE (CONTíD)
Thatís right, Dan. Just lay there while I do all the work!

DAN
Hey, I helped! I got that Christmas presents out of the trunk.

ROSEANNE
Yeah, after I spent five hours at the mall shopping for them!

DAN
(naively)
So?

ROSEANNE
So! Iíve been working my butt off all morning to get this place somewhat presentable before my neurotic parents get here and you wonít even lift a finger because youíre too busy watching Frosty!


Dan scoffs.

DAN
Frosty? FROSTY? Itís Rudolph, Roseanne. You need a refresher course on your Christmas cartoons.

ROSEANNE
I need a new husband.

DAN
That atop your Christmas list this year?

ROSEANNE
Along with a new house and new kids.


Roseanne laughs and continues doing her work as DJ storms in from upstairs.

He plops next to Dan on the couch.

Heís holding a list.

DJ
I have some last minute Christmas wishes, Dad.

DAN
Oh you do, DJ?

DJ
Yup!


He hands Dan the list - who then scans it and raises a brow.

DAN
Youíre dreaming!

DJ
Oh come on!


Roseanne finishes up vacuuming.

ROSEANNE
Whatís he want?

DAN
A Nintendo.

ROSEANNE
Youíre dreaming!


Dan looks at DJ and laughs.

DAN
(childishly)
Thatís what I said!

DJ
Aww, címon guys! Canít you call Santa up?


Roseanne walks over to the phone in the kitchen and grabs it.

ROSEANNE
Sure!

ROSEANNE
(into the phone)
Get me Santa!


She hangs it up.

DAN
Sport, Iím sorry. But itís a recession. Even Santa is having trouble paying the light bill up there in the North Pole. Maybe next year.

DJ
I hate Christmas!

ROSEANNE
Now youíre learning. Go wake up your sisters. They need to finish the laundry before Grandma and Grandpa get here.


DJ takes off back up the stairs. Roseanne joins Dan on the couch.

DAN
Ouch.

ROSEANNE
Yeah. Remember when we promised weíd give our kids everything they asked for on Christmas?

DAN
We also promised to love them unconditionally.

ROSEANNE
I donít remember that!


She laughs and cozies up to Dan.

EXT. CONNER HOUSE - AFTERNOON

The snow has now picked up. A few inches have covered the front yard.

INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN

Roseanne, now dressed, washes off the kitchen table. Dan has just come in from shoveling the walks.

DAN
Heard from your parents yet?

ROSEANNE
Theyíre still stuck in Elgin.

DAN
Good!

ROSEANNE
Keep it up and weíll spend Christmas at their house.

DAN
You wouldnít dare!

ROSEANNE
Try me!


Dan sneers as he sits down at the table and grabs the paper. Becky then enters the kitchen, innocently glaring at Roseanne.

BECKY
Need help?


Roseanne seems suspicious.

ROSEANNE
Did you finish the laundry?

BECKY
Yup. Fluffed and folded.

ROSEANNE
Room cleaned?

BECKY
Darlene is working on that.


Roseanneís eyes rise further in doubt.

ROSEANNE
You want something!

BECKY
Do not!

ROSEANNE
Yes you do! Youíre never this obedient!

BECKY
Dad!

DAN
Sorry, Beckster, your momís got you there.

BECKY
Oh right. Canít even offer to help without an ulterior motive.

ROSEANNE
I created ulterior motives.


Roseanne laughs as Becky looks onward, deadpanned.

BECKY
Itís nothing big.

ROSEANNE
Uh huh.

BECKY
Jimmy and his folks are spending Christmas at their cabin down at Shabbona Lake.

ROSEANNE
Uh huh

BECKY
And he invited me.

ROSEANNE
Absolutely not.

BECKY
Mom!

ROSEANNE
No, Becky. Youíre spending Christmas with your family.

BECKY
Thatís not fair.

ROSEANNE
Exactly! If I have to suffer through it, so do you.


Becky turns to Dan, who forcefully tries to ignore their fight.

BECKY
Dad?

DAN
Your momís right, Becky. Your grandparents are coming.

BECKY
I saw them at Thanksgiving.

ROSEANNE
And youíre gonna see Ďem at Christmas! With a big olí jolly smile on your face because youíre gonna enjoy it.

BECKY
Real fair! I hate this house!

ROSEANNE
Yeah well so do I.


Becky storms out of the kitchen.

Roseanne grabs a piece of paper off the counter.

ROSEANNE
Think itís too late to send Santa my Christmas list?


EXT. CONNER HOME - LATER

The snow continues to fall as afternoon slowly turns to evening.

INT. CONNER HOME - BECKY/DARLENEíS ROOM - SAME

Becky is packing, while Darlene lays on her bed tossing her baseball up in the air.

DARLENE
Youíre not going to get away with this, snot face.

BECKY
What do you know?

DARLENE
I know Momzilla watches over this place like it was the last slice of pizza in the pizza box.

BECKY
Well I donít care. Iím going with Jimmy.


Darlene sits up and tosses her ball at Becky, who ducks out of the way.

BECKY
Jerk.

DARLENE
Youíre the jerk. Youíre gonna go and tick off mom and dad the day before Christmas and itís going to be DJ and me who suffers. I want my gifts! Iíve been good for the last month and a half. I deserve them!

BECKY
Yeah, well, thatís your problem.


Becky, now packed, begins walking toward the door. Darlene quickly bolts off her bed and blocks her.

DARLENE
No. Itís your problem. Youíre not ruining Christmas.

BECKY
Get out of the way, Darlene.

DARLENE
Or what?

BECKY
Or Iíll use your head as a baseball.

DARLENE
You donít scare me.


Becky jerks forward and Darlene flinches back.

BECKY
Thought so.


She then pushes her out of the way and exits into the HALLWAY.

But before she can get any further, Roseanne stands. Menacing.

ROSEANNE
Where do you think youíre going?

BECKY
Uh - I was - uh


Darlene, seizing the upper hand, snidely interjects.

DARLENE
With JimmyÖ

ROSEANNE
I told you no.

BECKY
Mom, youíre being unfair.

ROSEANNE
Thatís whatís great about being a parent. You never have to be fair. And when you have little joys yourself, youíll know exactly where Iím coming from.

DARLENE
I think youíre fair, mother.

ROSEANNE
Put a sock in it, Darlene. Iíve already done the Christmas shopping.


Darlene retreats back into her bedroom.

BECKY
Youíre so not cool

ROSEANNE
Youíre just now figuring this out?


Becky doesnít answer.

ROSEANNE (CONTíD)
Am I going to have to stand guard the entire day or are you going to start acting like a mature teenager?


BECKY
(annoyed)
Fine.


INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN - LATER

The kitchen is finally cleaned. Roseanne, alone, cooks a plump turkey as JACKIE enters through the back door. Sheís carrying a large bag filled with gifts.


JACKIE
Hey.

ROSEANNE
Oh hey.

JACKIE
They here yet?

ROSEANNE
They? Oh you mean our lovely parents?


She pauses for a second, smiling.

ROSEANNE (CONTíD)
No.

JACKIE
Good. Do you have something to drink?


Roseanne points toward the fridge.

ROSEANNE
I think we have some pop.

JACKIE
I was thinking something a bit stronger.

ROSEANNE
Oh. Na, sorry. Polished it off this morning.


To show a hint of her sarcasm, Roseanne laughs.

JACKIE
So where do you want the gifts?

ROSEANNE
Oh I donít know - under the Christmas tree?


Just as Jackie goes to grab the bag, Becky enters. She angrily opens the fridge, takes a glance inside and slams the door shut and storms out of the kitchen.

JACKIE
Whatís her problem?

ROSEANNE
She hates me.

JACKIE
Well howís that different from any other day?

ROSEANNE
Well I guess itís not.

JACKIE
So whatíd you do?

ROSEANNE
I didnít do nothing! She wanted to spend Christmas with Jimmy.

JACKIE
And you said no?

ROSEANNE
Of course I said no. Itís Christmas.

JACKIE
Remember that one Christmas when you wanted to go up to Chicago with Mike Sullivan?

ROSEANNE
Yeah. What about it?

JACKIE
Mom cried and cried because she thought it meant you didnít want to spend Christmas with her.

ROSEANNE
I didnít - and still donít!

JACKIE
Yeah well, kids do that.

ROSEANNE
And I didnít go, did I?

JACKIE
But you were miserable the whole Christmas break.

ROSEANNE
Oh wake up, Jackie! Iíve been miserable my whole life.


Then a commotion from the living room - the grandparents have arrived.

DAN (from living room)
Rosie, your folks are here.


Roseanne looks over to Jackie, fighting back laughter.

ROSEANNE
Think Jimmy Meltriggerís family would mind if I tagged along?


In the living room, Dan awkwardly tries to avoid contact with the two.

Jackie and Roseanne enter from the kitchen.

BEV
Roseanne! Jackie!


BEV walks up and gives them both a hug.

ROSEANNE
Hi mom. Howíre the roads?

BEV
Just awful. And worse with the way your father drives.

ART
I thought about tying a sleigh to the back and forcing your mother to ride in it just to shut her up.


BEV
Oh Art, youíre terrible.


Bev does a quick glance around the living room.

BEV (CONTíD)
Where are my wonderful grandkids?

ROSEANNE
In another dimension?


Roseanne then walks up to the stairs and yells up them.

ROSEANNE (CONTíD)
Children! Your grandparents are here!


From upstairs, you can hear the sound of footsteps thumping closer to the stairway.

BEV
Roseanne, looks like youíve put on a few Holiday poundsÖ

ROSEANNE
(under her breath)
Iíd like to pound you.

BEV
What was that dear?

ROSEANNE
Nothing mother!


DJ and Darlene storm down the stairs.

DJ
Grandpa! Grandma!

DARLENE
Whereís the presents?


Bev and Art both shower them with smooches.

ART
Not even a kiss from your favorite grandpa?

DARLENE
Whatís it worth to you?

ROSEANNE
Darlene!


Darlene relents and allows Art to plant one right on her cheek. After the smooch, Darlene quickly wipes it away.

DARLENE
Okay. I lived up to my end of the bargain. Now those gifts?

ART
Theyíre out in the car. Iím sure your old man wouldnít mind getting íem.


Art tosses Dan the keys, who reluctantly agrees.

BEV
Whereís Becky?

ROSEANNE
(yelling upstairs)
BECKY! GET YER BUTT DOWN HERE!

BEV
Do you always have to be so loud?

ROSEANNE
Yeah.


Becky slowly ambles down the stairs, shooting Roseanne with a death glare.

BECKY
Hi Grandpa and Grandma.

ART
Well get down here and give your old grandpa a kiss.

DARLENE
Yeah, Beck, pucker up!

BECKY
Cram it, Darlene.

ROSEANNE
Now, now. Save the fighting for dinner.


INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN

Jackie and Roseanne sit at the kitchen table drinking coffee, while Bev pours herself a cup.

BEV
Have you checked on the turkey?

ROSEANNE
Yes, Mom.

BEV
Maybe I should give it a little look.

ROSEANNE
Itís fine, Mom.

BEV
Just a peek.


Bev opens the stove and takes a glance.

ROSEANNE
(whispering to Jackie)
How much would you give me if I pushed her in?


Bev quickly bolts up.

BEV
Donít think I didnít hear that.


Bev joins them at the table.

BEV (CONTíD)
Jackie, youíre looking a little gaunt. Have you been sick?

JACKIE
No, Mom. But thanks for pointing that out.


BEV
You need a little color. Get some sun.


Roseanne takes a look out the back window, the snow continues to pile up.


ROSEANNE
Yeah because Lanford is such a tropical paradise.


Jackie laughs. Bev looks less amused.

BEV
(to Roseanne)
So I noticed some tension between you and Becky. Whatíd you do this time, Roseanne?


ROSEANNE
Why do you think itís my fault?

BEV
Oh Roseanne, I know you.

ROSEANNE
Well youíre wrong.

BEV
Want me to talk to her?

ROSEANNE
Not if you want things fixed.


EXT. CONNER HOME - NIGHT

The house is lit up in Christmas lights - the snow continues to fall.

INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN

A bit later, dinner is about to be served. The kitchen table has been expanded and the turkey fresh out of the oven. Bev and Jackie are setting the plates.

In the living room, Roseanne notices Becky is missing.

ROSEANNE
Whereís your sister?

DARLENE
Hopefully under a pile of snow.

ROSEANNE
Iím serious, Darlene.

BECKY
She went upstairs.


INT. CONNER HOME - BECKY/DARLENEíS ROOM

In the bedroom, Becky lays on her bed, looking out the window as the snow falls.

Roseanne knocks on the door.

ROSEANNE
Can I come in?

BECKY
Not like you wonít anyway.

ROSEANNE
Youíre right.


Roseanne enters and plops down next to Becky on the bed.

ROSEANNE (CONTíD)
I know youíre mad at me, Becky.

BECKY
Thatís an understatement. So just leave.

ROSEANNE
No.


Becky sits up.

BECKY
Why do you always have to try and make things right? Why canít you just leave me alone?

ROSEANNE
Because Iím your mother. Itís my job to bother you.

BECKY
Yeah, well, youíre good at it.


Becky lays back down.

ROSEANNE
Iíve had practice.


Becky doesnít respond.

ROSEANNE (CONTíD)
Címon, Becky. See it from my point of view.

BECKY
Iím always forced to see it from your point of view.

ROSEANNE
Itís because Iím right.

BECKY
Youíre not funny.

ROSEANNE
No - but I am right about this.



Becky again sits up.

BECKY
What makes you so sure? Itís a stupid two days and you couldnít even give me that.

ROSEANNE
Itís not just two days. Itís Christmas Eve and Christmas. You know, weíve never been apart for Christmas?

BECKY
Yeah, well, some day we will. So you should get used to it.

ROSEANNE
Exactly my point, Becky. There isnít a limitless amount of Christmases weíre going to spend together. So why rush it?

BECKY
Because itís the same thing every year. So why does it matter if I take one year off?

ROSEANNE
ĎCause before you know it, youíll have a family of your own and itíll just be me and your dad - and probably DJ - celebrating. I just want to spend as many Christmases as I can with you, Darlene and DJ because I know one day you wonít be here anymore.

BECKY
Grandma and grandpa are here every Christmas.

ROSEANNE
Only because no one else will have Ďem.

Becky laughs.

ROSEANNE (CONTíD)
Youíll have plenty of Christmases to go off and do your own thing. But not now. Not today. And youíll hate me, but when you have children of your own, youíll see where Iím coming from.

BECKY
I guess.

ROSEANNE
So you gonna come down and eat?

BECKY
Yeah.


INT. CONNER HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Most the family has already found their way to table as Becky and Roseanne enter the kitchen.

BEV
So have you two made up?


ROSEANNE
I guess you can say that.

DARLENE
Itís a Christmas miracle!


BECKY
Quiet, Darlene.


The two join the rest of the family at the table.

Dan, sitting next to Roseanne, grabs her hand.

The scene ends with the family abuzz while they eat their Christmas Eve feast.

EXT. CONNER HOUSE - MORNING

Itís Christmas Morning. A few flakes of snow shakes from the sky.

INT. CONNER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

The entire family eagerly awaits the opening of gifts, though minus one member - Dan.

DJ
Can we please open them?


DJ shakes with anticipation.

ROSEANNE
Not until your dad gets his butt out here.


She turns toward the bedroom and yells.

ROSEANNE (CONTíD)
DAN! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?


BEV
Oh Roseanne, a woman shouldnít yell like that. Get up and go into the other room if you want to communicate with your husband.


ROSEANNE
Well letís give it a try, Mom. Why donít you go sit in the kitchen and when Iím ready to communicate, Iíll come in and join you?


Art grabs Bevís hand, subtley telling her to back off.

DJ
(whining)
Mooooom.


ROSEANNE
(yelling)
All right, Dan. I guess Iíll just have to give all your gifts to goodwill. And it looks like Santa brought you a nice new fishing reel.


That gains his attention, as Dan quickly bolts out of the back hallway and into the living room.

DAN
You wouldnít dare!


ROSEANNE
Okay! Now you can all open your gifts.


DARLENE
ĎBout time.


The family begins tearing open their gifts with reckless abandon. Roseanne, though, just sits and watches - smiling.

THE END
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