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Old 11-21-2019, 09:48 AM   #901
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"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."
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Old 11-22-2019, 08:05 AM   #902
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"Hello Mom":

(Ralph has just found out that much to his chagrin, his mother-in-law is coming.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, you forgot to give me the friendly Raccoon Bye-Bye." (raising the tail on his Raccoon cap): "Whooooooooo!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "Ralph, a three-letter word for exit."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

Ed: "Yeah, that will work."

Ralph (yells): "NOT THAT. GET OUT!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Ed walks in while Freddie Zimmerman and Ethel are talking.)

Ed: "Howdy folks! I heard the phonograph playing and I thought you would like some of my music better. Here's a good one."

(Ed puts on a record that plays loud big band music. He dances to the music. Ralph comes out and takes the record off the record player.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!"

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ed: "You know the saying. 'For every man, there's a woman. For every woman, there's a man.'"

Ralph: "Then why is Aunt Ethel staying at my house?"

Ed: "Maybe you're the man for her."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing. I'm not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "All right. Stay home."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisifaction."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed clears the top of the piano and sits on it.)

Ralph: "What are you doing?"

Ed: "You told me to take it from the top."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."
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Old 11-23-2019, 08:10 AM   #903
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"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "I will have you know my good man that that is what they are serving at the Eisenhower Inaugural Dinner."

Ralph: "Who's catering there, democrats?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "Alice, I hope that you are satisfied. You are the first woman in history to interupt that Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well Scottie-Wattie-Do-Dah-Day!"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that's strong enough to do that."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "What's the matter with you? Here my house is braking up and my happiness is being destroyed and you want to go bowling."

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. How about a little game of pool?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

Ed: "Hey, whay don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph enters the room. Alice's Mom doesn't see him.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "Hello! How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."
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Old 11-24-2019, 07:58 AM   #904
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"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is going to try to sell KramMar's to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "What I have in this lunchbox is something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

)Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ed: "Why don't you take Stanley and Sally to your apartment to see how you and Alice get along?"

Ralph: "I want to postpone the wedding. Not cancel it forever."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."
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Old 11-25-2019, 08:26 AM   #905
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“Ralph Kramden Inc.”:

Ralph: “How could you tell if you saw a yellow-bellied sap sucker when they are not supposed to be around here.”

Ed: “Because the bird that I saw had a yellow belly and it was sucking sap.”

“Young Man With A Horn”:

Alice: “All right Ralph. You haven’t touched this cornette (sp?) in years.”

Ralph: “I want to keep it.”

Ed: “He has a point Alice. He hasn’t seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them.”

“Dial J For Janitor”:

Ralph: “Your garbage can was only half full. When it’s full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here – save a trip there and it all adds up.”

Ed: “That is what I am afraid of. It is mounting up all over the building.”

“Man In The Blue Suit”:

Alice: “Lucky suit? You haven’t worn the suit in five years.”

Ralph: “Do you know anybody who has been as unlucky as I have been in the last five years?”

Alice: “Yeah. Me.”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Ralph: “I am not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me.”

(Alice puts a bowl on Ralph’s head and “salutes” him.)

Alice: “Har-har-har!”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Trixie: “$989 for a summer cottage.”

Alice: “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of Ralph’s harebrained schemes.”

Ed: “Don’t give him all the credit. It was partly my idea too.”

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
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Old 11-26-2019, 09:50 AM   #906
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"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit to?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortunate person who is broken-down."

Ed: "That is right. Someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Why your sister married that loud blowhard, I will never know."

Alice: "She did so because you were already married."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Lawsuit":

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I wish Trixie could make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that is starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want you to lend me the money. It is what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say: 'Hey get a load of fatso there'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Every mistake Ed has made, Ralph has talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"
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Old 11-27-2019, 09:58 AM   #907
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."
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Old 11-27-2019, 04:24 PM   #908
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Ralph: What's the matter, is yelling out the window too good for you now? Was it raining out?
Alice: Yelling out the window is bad manners.
Ralph: Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She's been yelling out the window for 80 years!
Alice: Yeah? And before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to Amos 'n' Andy.
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Old 11-28-2019, 12:24 AM   #909
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

(Ralph gives his poor excuse of a breakfast to Alice and Trixie.)

Trixie: "Ed, I don't want to taste this yet. You taste it."

Ed (looking at the food): "No, it's gentlemen to wait for the women to try it first. I may wait until tomorrow."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ed eats a turkey leg from the ice box. Ralph comes in and Ed sees him.)

(Ed hums the "Dragnet" theme.)

Ed: "Well I hope that when they do my life on Dragnet that they leave my name out to protect the innocent."

Ralph: "You put that turkey leg down or they'll be doing your life on medic."

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "Maybe your sisters are better off than we are. But I got more expenses. I got more expenses than all of their husbands put together."

Alice: "Sure, they don't go to the Fat Man's Shop to get suits."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Carlos: "If your wives ask you guys to do something simple like open a door for her, why don't you do it?"

Ralph: "He wants to know why we don't do it. Why we don't it. Why we don't do it. Why we don't do it. Because it's too much trouble. That's why we don't do it."

All from "A Weighty Problem":

#1

(Ralph & his friends are at the Raccoon Lodge. His friends are sick because they ate too much food. Ralph has a piece of a drumstick in his hand. He goes over to the kitchen and knocks.)

Ralph: "You got any mashed potatoes and bread in there?"

(The cook opens the door.)

Cook: "What?"

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes and bread?"

Cook: "We don't have anything else to throw away."

#2

(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)

Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?" (picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"

#3

Freddie: "You only eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

All from "We Spy":

#1

Ed: "It was just recently Thanksgiving."

Russian: "Thanksgiving?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a new holiday in Moscow. It's to celebrate the landing of the Proletarians on Vladivostok."

#2

(At the party, Ed and subsequently Ralph just revealed the "new" Russian Holiday of Thanksgiving. The Russian party thrower wants everyone to roast the goat in honor of Thanksgiving because that is what Ralph said is one of the traditions of Thanksgiving.)

Russian: "Holiday weekend."

Ralph (angerly to Ed) : "Holiday weekend."

Ed: "It's a good thing it isn't New Year's Eve. Can you imagine all the finks on the road from Minsk to Finsk?"

#3

(Ralph spots his Russian capturers as they try to go on a train with a lot of luggage.)

Ralph: "What are you guys doing?"

Russian: "We are going to Moscow to celebrate new Russian holiday: Thanksgiving."

Happy Thanksgiving!
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Old 11-28-2019, 06:07 AM   #910
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Ed Norton:
If pizzas were manhole covers, the sewer would be a paradise.
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Old 11-29-2019, 07:31 AM   #911
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut down on my bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph looks at the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Your husband certainly is a trea-sure."

(Rita leaves.)

Alice: "A trea-sure? If he keeps this up much longer, he will be a buried trea-sure."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't even know what I look like."

Ed: "That is okay. You og down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, try not to give away the furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "We are living just like the Indians did."

Ralph: "If the Indians had to live like this, no wonder they are the vanishing race."

"The Mod Couple" (aka "Honeymooners In England"):

Trixie: "I don't think I am the maid type."

Ed: "She's right Ralph. Do you think you can cast her as an English Bulldog?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "How do you like your new place Triixe?"

Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question to ask me when I have a hammer in my hand."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I dropped the soap somewhere in the bathroom. You will have to find it."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER." (slipping on soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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Old 11-29-2019, 07:59 AM   #912
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Alice Kramden:
Let me tell you something. There's an old, old saying, Ralph: "Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done."

Ralph Kramden:
[snootily] Good gosh!

Alice Kramden:
I'll tell you why woman's work is never done, Ralph. Because she's got the toughest boss in this whole world: a husband!
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Old 11-30-2019, 07:44 AM   #913
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."
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Old 11-30-2019, 07:49 AM   #914
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Dick Gersh:
Tell me, Dr. Norton, what school did you attend?

Ed Norton:
P.S., 31 Oyster Bay.

Dick Gersh:
No, I mean, what medical school?

Ralph:
Oh, uh, he went to Oxford.

Dick Gersh:
Oh, in England.

Ed Norton:
Is that where it is?

Dick Gersh:
You mean you went to school in Oxford and you don't know it's in England?

Ed Norton:
Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it was so foggy over there, I don't know where it was.
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Old 12-01-2019, 07:42 AM   #915
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"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph "I have been driving a bus for the Gotham Bus Company."

Bud: "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I have problems."

Ed: "You are telling me. You kept me awake all last night."

Ralph: "You hear about it?"

Ed: "Did I hear about it? The top floor is betting 8-5 that you go to the wedding."

"Stand-In For Murder Part One":

Ralph: "I was just upset that Alice thinks that there is no one stupid to offer me a job like that."

Ed: "This guy sound stupid enough."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "My pal Harvey is bigger than me."

Ralph: "I got a friend Shirley who is bigger than you."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at his watch.)

Ed: "He should be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Without Reservations":

(All of them are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that. I think that they are holding up the wall."
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