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Old 02-26-2006, 09:47 AM   #31
lilhave
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It's bad enough you wrote on the walls but with pictures also?

Harvey, who is buying Mr. Clean to work on the walls. I'll leave that last message, for a good time, call Bubbles at 626-3000
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Old 02-27-2006, 07:33 AM   #32
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Default Questions

1. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
2. How can there be self-help "groups"?
3. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
4. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
5. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
6. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
7. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
8. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
9. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong, and we are doing right when we kill them?
10. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
11. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
12. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
13. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
14. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Harvey
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Old 02-27-2006, 11:28 AM   #33
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12. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? "

I never thought about that..and I find it fascinating and funny..

Thanks for breaking up the humdrum!!!
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Old 02-28-2006, 05:26 AM   #34
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Default Lawyers

What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamp?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they mess up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
A: "Senator."

I broke a mirror in my house the other day. I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck -- but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

Q: Why don't lawyer jokes work?
A: Because lawyers don't find them funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Did you hear about a lawyer that fell overboard from a cruise ship and was last seen circling a school of frightened sharks?

Harvey
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Old 03-01-2006, 06:02 AM   #35
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Default Questions

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Harvey
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Old 03-01-2006, 07:31 PM   #36
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Default This is hysterical

OKay Tv Trader fans....


http://www.angryalien.com/
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Old 03-01-2006, 08:01 PM   #37
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Old 03-01-2006, 09:03 PM   #38
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What a trip!!!! (I notice they didn't have "Rabbit Test"!)

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Old 03-01-2006, 09:03 PM   #39
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OMG! I Love these!! Thanks for the link!!
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Old 03-01-2006, 09:44 PM   #40
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omg the exorcist one cracked me up
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Old 03-02-2006, 06:04 AM   #41
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Default Laws

Laws Of The Natural Universe

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Tele When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Harvey
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Old 03-02-2006, 06:21 AM   #42
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20. Cat Derriere Law. (I just verified this one TWICE this week). If your cat comes in and starts walking around on your bed at night, and it's pitch black, he will invariably sit on your head.

Last edited by geekfemme; 03-02-2006 at 08:38 AM.
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Old 03-02-2006, 01:34 PM   #43
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Default link

I know it wasn't exactly trader forum related, but oh my gosh they cracked me up so much I had to share.

I think Jaws was my favorite lol-


Glad you all liked it
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Old 03-03-2006, 06:11 AM   #44
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Default Oxymorons

Top 45 Oxymoron’s:

45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt Head

26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Childproof

21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate

1. Microsoft Works

Harvey
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Old 03-03-2006, 11:23 AM   #45
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Default My favorite

You forgot my favorite

Jumbo Shrimp
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