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Old 05-13-2006, 05:39 AM   #316
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Default Getting older

How to Know You Are Growing Older





1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.



2. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.



3. You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.



4. Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D.



5. You get winded playing cards.



6. You join a health club and don't go.



7. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.



8. You look forward to a dull evening.



9. You need glasses to find your glasses.



10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.



11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.



12. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.



13. Your back goes out more than you do.



14. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.



15. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.



16. YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.




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Old 05-13-2006, 05:41 AM   #317
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Default Office Party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important *****, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Harvey
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Old 05-14-2006, 03:43 AM   #318
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Default To Fat

Top Ten Signs You're Too Fat


10. Only thing you read: takeout menus

9. You've had a garage door installed in your bedroom

8. Got cable just for the Food Network

7. You skip your son's wedding because you don't want to miss Blimpie's 2-for-1 sale

6. Red Cross changed your blood type from "O" to "Pancake batter"

5. Scientists won a Nobel Prize for measuring your gravitational field

4. Blinking leaves you winded

3. You buy ham by the square foot

2. Southwest Airlines makes you purchase 3 tickets

1. You start every day with a nice, steaming cup of gravy

Harvey
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Old 05-14-2006, 03:46 AM   #319
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Default Cannibal

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Cannibal


10. You see repairmen go in, but you never really see them come out

9. Your name: Lou Levy; recipe on his refrigerator: "Lou Levy Almandine"

8. Lives alone, yet at his garage sale, had men's and women's shoes in most sizes

7. Asks if sailors count as seafood

6. Sues Denny's for false advertising over its so-called "Lumberjack Breakfast"

5. Calls his hot tub "the slow cooker"

4. At Halloween, he always has extremely realistic skeletons on the porch

3. You ask for a beer, he replies, "They're in the fridge next to Steve"

2. Says, "I'm in the mood for a Mexican...I mean Mexican"

1. The "pork shoulder" he serves you is wearing a wristwatch

Harvey
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Old 05-14-2006, 03:48 AM   #320
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Default Thoughts

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards.

Harvey
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Old 05-15-2006, 05:44 AM   #321
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Default Bad fashion model

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Fashion Model


10. You went nuts on the Halloween candy and ballooned to a size 4

9. The guy doing your make-up asks how the fight with Tyson went

8. You're still working on memorizing the word "cheese"

7. Whenever you vogue down a catwalk, it sags and creaks ominously

6. While you're modeling, you notice photographers taking pictures of each other

5. Instead of DeNiro, you're dating DeLuise

4. Only magazine cover you've ever appeared on: "Ugly Short Guy"

3. Your preferred method of getting down runway: rolling

2. Your ass and a Ford Taurus are roughly the same size

1. Your beauty mark is just spaghetti sauce

Harvey
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Old 05-15-2006, 05:46 AM   #322
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Default Martha Stewart

Top Ten Martha Stewart's Worst Tips For Living


10. If you notice a guest using the "wrong" fork, pick up the "right" fork and jam it into his head

9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces

8. Add glitter to every damn thing you own

7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri & a stack of wrestling magazines

6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about what's in the chili

5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows

4. To liven up a "black tie only" affair, wear only a black tie

3. You want livin'? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the bastard

2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between teeth

1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair (hair girls)

Harvey
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Old 05-15-2006, 05:48 AM   #323
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Default Murphy's law for cops

Murphy's Law for Cops


Bullet Proof vests aren't.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.

The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.

Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

Flash suppressors don't really.

If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.

Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."

The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.

The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.

Harvey
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Old 05-16-2006, 07:37 AM   #324
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Default useless info

Strange & Completely Useless Information
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

"Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand, "lollipop" with your right.

The cruise liner, QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The words 'racecar' and kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.,

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face, is 10:'0.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times, "indivisibility."

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.

A 'jiffy' is an actualy unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

It's impossible to lick your elbow.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language..........try it!

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

In the course of an average lifetime, you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. (I didn't know that!!)

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.


Harvey
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Old 05-16-2006, 07:39 AM   #325
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Default proverbs & Kids

A first Grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, then had the children complete the phrase.
As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.

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Old 05-16-2006, 07:40 AM   #326
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Default White Trash

You might be Po" White Trash If......

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You've ever given a rat trap as a gift.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You keep a can of RAID on your dining room table.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
You ever got too drunk to fish.
Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever bought a used hat.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
"Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
You spit chewing tobacco in house plants.
Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
Rather than drinking sacramental wine at church, you "bring your own."
The Salvation Army refused your mattress.
You go to a family reunion to meet men.

Harvey
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:14 AM   #327
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Default

Re: "Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road." Let me tell you a story. There is a Boy Scout Camp in Kiln, Mississippi ("Home of Brett Favre"- they used to have a big homemade sign there welcoming you!). Anyway, the directions to Camp Salmen include "turn left at the brick house". Also, there is a bar along the road through Kiln that has a sign that reads "Pool Tabel's". That's right, not only spelled wrong, but possessive as well. Now think about it. Not only did the owner spell it wrong, but apparently everyone that patronized that fine establishment failed to mention it to the owner, meaning they saw nothing wrong either.
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Old 05-16-2006, 04:58 PM   #328
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Default

I think I am part snail..

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
__________________
WWW.SavageTraders.org

To avoid channel surfing Wipeouts!
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Old 05-17-2006, 06:45 AM   #329
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Default Thoughts

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the
ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse
every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a
lot today.
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS . . . but it uses up a thousand
times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the earth . . . after we're through with it.

Harvey
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Old 05-17-2006, 06:47 AM   #330
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Default True facts

In an average lifetime, a woman will consume six pounds of lipstick. - San Diego Union, 4/25/06


Steve King rode a wave for one hour and 17 minutes, setting the world record for the world's longest surf ride. This was a ride of 7.6 miles. - The Week Magazine, 4/28/06


Gilbert Gottfried was recently named the "Unsexiest Man in the World". - MSNBC, 4/18/06


John Koza has networked 1,000 computers together to form an "invention machine". Koza feeds information into the machine, and the machine randomly comes up with potential solutions, and then tests them. One of the invention machine's creations has earned a patent - as the patent examiner did not know it was the work of a computer. - Popular Science, 5/06


When Elliot Voge, a 14-year-old Indiana middle school student, realized he was carrying a small Swiss Army knife as he arrived at school, he did the responsible thing. He went directly to the principal's office and turned it in. Nevertheless, Principal Jimmy Meadows suspended the "model student" for 10 days, citing the school's zero tolerance policy. - USA Today, 4/4/06


A Malaysian man received a $218,000,000,000,000 phone bill and was ordered to pay up within 10 days or face prosecution. - MSNBC, 4/10/06


Playing the didgeridoo can treat snoring. - Discover Magazine, 5/06


$30 of raw popcorn can translate into as much as $3,000 in sales at the movie theaters. - Chicago Tribune, 3/18/06


Coca-Cola indeed once did contain cocaine, but the company insists it does not now buy coca leaves. However, the only legal importer of coca leaves is the Stepan Co. of Maywood, New Jersey. Much of the 382,000 pounds of coca leaves it imports is made into a "flavoring extract"; its main customer for that "flavoring extract" is reported to be the Coca-Cola Company. - The Week Magazine, 3/31/06


A television charity event turned deadly when participants in a "test of strength" pulled a train and two carriages on the tracks - and the vehicle gained speed and ran them over. Seven people were killed and there were numerous limbs severed, all while 3,000 children who attended the event watched in horror. - BBC News, 3/18/06


A Montenegro man watched as the local river burst its banks from a recent deluge of rain. It filled his basement with water quickly. Mile Tutic impressed his neighbors by landing 8 trout that were swimming around in his basement. - Seattle Times, 4/6/06


Curtis Gokey, a Lodi (California) city employee, was driving a dump truck and hit a parked car. The employee admitted he caused the accident, but the owner of the car will not get damages for the accident. The parked car is owned by the same Curtis Gokey. - The Week Magazine, 3/31/06


A Norwegian man won $900 in prize money - both first and second prize in an ice fishing contest. None of the other 65 competitors caught anything at all. The winner's prize catches weighed .07 and .05 ounces. - Associated Press, 3/28/06


Arthur Winston recently retired from his job at the Los Angeles Metropolitan Transportation Authority, after 75 years on the job. He retired on his 100th birthday. He only missed one day of work in those 75 years - in 1988 when his wife died. - MSNBC, 3/22/06


Arthur Winston died less than a month after he retired. - Boston Globe, 4/15/06


In South Bend, Indiana, a man was arrested for selling bogus flat-screen TVs to unsuspecting victims. The item was bubble wrapped, had Wal-Mart markings and came with a remote control. The flat-screen TV was actually an oven door. - South Bend Tribune, 4/1/06


President George Bush's former top domestic policy adviser, Claude Allen, was charged with theft - over $5000 of items from several Target stores. - Washington Post, 3/14/06


In the Columbia Space Shuttle disaster, all seven astronauts died, but hundreds of nematode worms (carried in canisters to study the biology of weightlessness) survived. - Discover Magazine, 4/06


5 of the United States have more gun dealers than gas stations. - Time, 3/27/06


The Chicago Public School system requires all students take driver's education, including blind students. - MSNBC, 3/10/06

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!

In space, astronauts cannot cry properly, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow down their faces!

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Slugs have 4 noses!

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!


Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!


The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!

It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland!
There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!

Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes!


........1..2..3...breathe....and repeat...........






.......rest your eyes.. there's plenty more where that came from........



The starfish is one of the few animals who can turn it's stomach inside-out!

Eskimo ice cream is neither icy, or creamy!

A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!

The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs!

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate!

More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

The elephant is one of the few mammals that can't jump!

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly!

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States!


One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet!


America once issued a 5-cent bill!

You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! Wow!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and month! Interesting tries from our readers: orange: door hinge, melange (French for mix) purple: hurtle, durple?, turtle month: once, bunth?, hunch

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung!

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years! Wow!
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

Here are some interesting numbers to look at! (*1997)
166,875,000,000 pieces of mail are delivered each year in the U.S!
1,525,000,000 miles of telephone wire a strung across the U.S!
123,000,000 cars are being driven down the U.S's highways!
85,000,000 tons of paper are used each year in the U.S!
56,000,000 people go to Major League baseball each year!


Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head!

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!
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