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Old 05-05-2006, 05:30 AM   #271
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Default Your not going to win the Nobel prize

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Nobel Prize

10. You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City.

9. You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck.

8. Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- putting a sleeping friend's hand in warm water

7. Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have anything sharp to write them down.

6. You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup.

5. For the past 10 years, your left thumb has been stuck in a test tube.

4. Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins is Pointy!"

3. Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer.

2. You're known around the University as "Professor Gump."

1. Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name ain't Ghali.

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Old 05-05-2006, 05:31 AM   #272
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Default Bad airport

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Airport

10. The luggage carousel is first-come, first-serve.

9. Technician asks if he can borrow your cup of coffee to "de-ice" a 747.

8. Runway littered with stripped chevys.

7. Gift shop selling items from your just-checked luggage.

6. Nacho cheese at the snack bar doubles as jet fuel.

5. The "Arrivals and Departures" monitor is pay-per-view.

4. Guard at metal detector asks you to turn your head and cough.

3. Some little beer-loving dweeb takes Dr. Galazkiewicz's limo.

2. You see someone pre-boarding a flight attendant.

1. Passengers have the right to fly topless.

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Old 05-05-2006, 05:34 AM   #273
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Default Lifeguard

Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts

10. Instead of a whistle, uses a tuba

9. Can't say the word "buoy" without laughing hysterically

8. You see him stuffing his trunks with jellyfish

7. Sits with back to the ocean

6. Just married a C.P.R. dummy

5. The gold crown and the flowing velvet cape

4. Sees a guy drowning and says, "sorry, pal -- I just ate lunch, so I've got to wait half an hour."

3. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- chlorine

2. She keeps breaking into David Hasselhoff's house.

1. He's wearing nothing but a whistle.

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Old 05-06-2006, 05:36 AM   #274
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Default Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when
in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top
of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the sh#t out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples and fine wines you know.

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Old 05-06-2006, 05:39 AM   #275
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Default Wrong guy for the swimming pool

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Guy to Put in Your Swimming Pool

10. Shallow end: 3 feet -- Deep end: 600 feet

9. Wears inflatable pool toy around his waist at all times

8. Ever since the concrete was poured you haven't seen your cat.

7. Asks "Do you mind if I work naked?"

6. Claims he used to be a congressman and demands to be paid in stamps.

5. You ask for a kidney-shaped pool and wake up without a kidney

4. Fills the pool by drinking a case of beer and letting "nature do her thing"

3. Instead of working, spends day boasting about how he used to be married to Roseanne

2. Only two choices for the shape of the pool: Siskel or Ebert

1. Keeps drinking the chlorine

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Old 05-06-2006, 05:41 AM   #276
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Default Your not going to graduate

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Graduate

10. Cafeteria workers ask, "Anything particular you'd like to eat next semester?"

9. In essay on Civil War you wrote about Tom and Roseanne break-up

8. When you raise your hand in class, the teacher says, "Save it for next year."

7. Instead of cap and gown, you're issued a McDonald's uniform.

6. Your name is Ed Johnson, you're sitting in our audience, and you failed your organic chemistry final.

5. You're a student at Clown College, and Professor Bozo confiscates your big red shoes.

4. While I'm reading this list, you've already nodded your head at least three times.

3. You're spending too much time with your boyfriend Woody Allen.

2. Your essays are filled with words you've heard Madonna use.

1. You've been in the 8th grade since 1999.

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Old 05-07-2006, 01:14 AM   #277
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Default Some puns

A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?" the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."

When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.

Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Leif Ericsson went off on his voyage, and a year later, his wife noticed that his name wasn't on the village register anymore. She went to the village elders and said, you must have taken Leif off your census.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

There was a fire at a Basque restaurant, but there was only one way out of the restaurant. Many people were injured in the stampede. The moral of this story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

The dentist tells the patient that his upper plate needs to be made of chrome because of the patient's penchant for Hollandaise sauce (which has a lot of lemon juice in it, and is corrosive to most dental appliances). Why chrome? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.

Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".

I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!

Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"

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Old 05-07-2006, 01:16 AM   #278
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Default Bad Long Distance company

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Long Distance Company

10. All calls are $2 for the first minute, $94 each additional minute

9. Operator makes you describe what you're wearing

8. Their so-called "dial tone" is just a guy with a kazoo

7. You can only place long distance calls during an electrical storm

6. They bill you for calls made by some guy named Pepe, and when you complain they say, "whatsa problem, man, you no like Pepe?"

5. Whenever you call their office, you hear gunfire

4. For some reason, your phone doesn't work unless you're wearing 3-D glasses

3. Everyone you talk to sounds like the guy at the drive-thru window at McDonald's

2. No matter what number you dial, you always get Richard Simmons

1. Their slogan is: "Reach out and touch yourself

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Old 05-07-2006, 01:19 AM   #279
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Default Fishing & Sex

Difference Between Fishing And Sex

1. No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.
2. A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
3. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
4. It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
5. The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
6. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
7. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
8. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
9. When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
10. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
11. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
12. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
13. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
14. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.
15. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
16. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
17. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
18. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
19. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
20. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

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Old 05-07-2006, 01:30 AM   #280
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Default Plus...

When fishing, having a little maggot is a good thing.

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Old 05-07-2006, 08:42 AM   #281
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Cool did u notice?

harvey has 3 joke posts on this page all 3 in a row

the one with SEX in the title has like 3 times as many viewings??

dirty minded traders!

I have not been trading for some time now, so please do not ask---- sorry, i cannot help you!
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Old 05-07-2006, 10:29 AM   #282
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Originally Posted by Lamont
harvey has 3 joke posts on this page all 3 in a row

the one with SEX in the title has like 3 times as many viewings??

dirty minded traders!
Are you saying we have a lot of sex starved folks on the trading board? If so I'm trading the wrong stuff.

Harvey, slightly bewildered.
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Old 05-07-2006, 06:41 PM   #283
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I got 9 out of 11
which means im an honor student, but I disagree with the pill question
And the baseball inning question, sheesh -

To avoid channel surfing Wipeouts!
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Old 05-08-2006, 06:02 AM   #284
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Default School test

Catholic Elementary School Test

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Old 05-08-2006, 06:04 AM   #285
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Default Small town

You Know You Live in a Small Town When...

Third Street is on the edge of town.
You don't use your turn signals because everyone knows where you are going.
A baby born on June 14 receives gifts from local merchants as the first baby of the year.
You speak to each dog you pass by name and he wags his tail at you.
You drive into the ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back before you do.
You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
You can't walk for exercise because every car that passes you offers you a ride.
You miss a Sunday at church and receive a get-well card.
Someone asks you how you feel and listens to what you say.

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