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Old 03-31-2020, 12:54 PM   #1096
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Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] You got a very interesting story there, a story of a man doomed to six months to live. Why don't you do like a friend of mine did? He had the hiccups for three weeks, and he sold his story to a magazine. You know, the American Weekly? He got $5,000 for it!

Ralph:
Five thousand dollars for a story about hiccups?

Ed Norton:
Yeah.

Ralph:
I ought to be a cinch to get $10,000 dying. This is a real human interest story. People will want to read about this. Everybody'll read it! I can see it now, the first installment, the title of it: "Doomed Man Has Only Six Months To Go."

Ed Norton:
Uh, I think that's a little lengthy for the title. They'll probably chop it down, make it shorter, like, uh... "In Six Months, Blimp Takes Off."
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Old 04-01-2020, 07:29 AM   #1097
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"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if he eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

“Without Reservations”:

Ralph: "Your brother Stanley isn't coming. Stanley is a moocher, a chisler, and a bum!"

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that he is a bum. Capital B-capital-u-capital-um. Bum."
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Old 04-01-2020, 07:37 AM   #1098
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[Norton has seen the Kramdens' new maid, Thelma]

Ralph:
What do you think of the maid, Norton?

Norton:
Well, without a doubt, Ralph, you have achieved the height of gracious living. You are one of the 400. In fact, you could be all of the 400.
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Old 04-02-2020, 07:42 AM   #1099
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"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you write music, you can write any kind of music."

Ed: "Oh yeah? Name me one rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "I have to get up early in the moring too and you don't hear me complaining and I have got responsibilities. If I fall asleep, I am liable to run into something."

Ed: "If I fall asleep, I am liable to drown."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "I didn't know that anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "How will they know that I am a member of the Hurricanes?"

Alice: "Just open your mouth."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am wiriting a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper that you are going to use?"
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Old 04-02-2020, 08:16 AM   #1100
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Ralph:
I'll call her what I used to call her before we were married.

Norton:
What's that?

Ralph:
Little Buttercup. Wait a minute, I didn't call her that; she called *me* that: Little Buttercup.

Norton:
[Norton giggles]

Ralph:
What's so funny?

Norton:
*She* used to call *you* her little buttercup?

Ralph:
Yeah! What's so funny about that, Norton?

Norton:
You were a little cup of butter; now you're a whole tub of lard!
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Old 04-03-2020, 07:43 AM   #1101
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"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once where they said 50% of the pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (in the mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is in here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Peacemaker":

Ralph: "You know that when I lay down on that bed, it takes me an hour to get to sleep."

Alice: "Remarkable. Every night for fifty-nine minutes, you snore before you go to sleep."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Ship Of Fools":

(The photographer feels Alice's leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "All he wants is a little chesse cake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli then?"
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Old 04-03-2020, 07:45 AM   #1102
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Ralph Kramden:
[to Norton] I don't know why a man of your age watches birds.

Ed Norton:
Why shouldn't I watch birds? They watch me, don't they?

Ralph Kramden:
The only bird that watches you, Norton, is a woodpecker.
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Old 04-04-2020, 07:38 AM   #1103
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."
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Old 04-04-2020, 07:40 AM   #1104
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Alice:
[Norton had asked Alice for a wrench to fix his pipes] I thought the janitor was gonna fix the pipes.

Norton:
Ah, that janitor fix the pipes. He don't fix nothing. I'm telling ya, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this, you know. Everybody in the building gets water, except us.

Alice:
I know, Ed, and it's no joke.

Norton:
You tell me it's no joke. Boy, I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd work eight hours in the sewer and come home and want to see water!
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Old 04-05-2020, 07:46 AM   #1105
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
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Old 04-06-2020, 07:24 AM   #1106
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"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 2":

(Ralph and another guy are playing pool. The guy hits the cue ball and it misses the pool balls.)

Man: "It's on it's way."

Ralph: "Yeah, to Newark."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I have flipped huh? Well, for your information Norton is my partner."

Alice: "Well, if you flip, it's always nice to have company."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is looking for Ralph in the cellar.)

Ed: "Janitor? Whoa, janitor."

Ralph: "For the last time, don't call me janitor. I am a maintenance engineer."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Ralph & Ed are fighting.)

Ralph: "I have a million friends. I have 50 down at the bus depot. 50 down in the lodge. 50 down in the bowling alley. There's 100 right there."

Alice: "If you have so many, how come they never invite you anywhere?"

Ralph: "Because I am always with Ed and they don't like him either."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "My dad used to say this: 'For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Follow The Boys":

(Ralph & Alice are playing chess. Alice wants to spend more time with Ralph by forcing him to spend at least six nights a week with her, much to his chagrin.)

Alice: "I win Ralph."

Ralph: "Let's celebrate. You go out to the movies and I'll shoot pool."

"Operation Protest":

(Ralph wants to beat up Clifford because Cliff caused Ralph to be fired.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."
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Old 04-07-2020, 07:37 AM   #1107
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"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph has just told Alice not to tell the Nortons about his promotion, but unbeknownst to Ralph, she did.)

Ralph: "I have been promoted. I am now an executive."

Ed: "What a surprise."

(Ed tries to act like he's surprised.)

Ralph (to Alice): "So you told him huh?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"Two-Family Car":

(Alice cleans the fire escape and the mop fell off the rod. It landed on Ralph.)

Alice: "I see that you found my mop."

Ralph: "What this? This one of those new Italian haircuts."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time, I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "I am not nervous, Alice. I am not nervous. I may be a little excited about inheriting $40,000,000, but I am not nervous."

(Ralph polishes his sock.)

Alice: "You are not nervous Ralph. You are not nervous at all. You just read in Esquire about how the well-dressed man always polishes his sock."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

Ralph (to Charlie): "I'm on a diet. I've gone from 220."

Ed: "That's his room number. He actually gone from 280."

"Foloow The Boys":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room. So, you are going to do it."
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Old 04-08-2020, 07:46 AM   #1108
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“Hero Part 1”:

Alice: “When was the last time you lifted 400 pounds Ralph?”

Ed: “This morning when he got out of bed.”

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Do you have any nicknames that you like to call your husband?"

Alice: "Oh, I got several I love to call him."

Rita: "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits."

Alice: "Oh, I see." (to Ralph): "Isn't that a good idea Tubby?"

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Someone thought about putting a plaque on Ralph's bus saying: 'You are on the bus of the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. Ed, you can tell me. Who thought of that idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of a toothache is mental. 50% of the pain of that toothache is here (the mouth). The other 50% is in here (the head.)

Ralph: "For you information, 100% of it is here (the mouth.) There is nothing up there (the head.)"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for a paper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."
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