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Old 05-11-2019, 07:35 AM   #631
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Ralph Kramden: Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?

Ed Norton: Yeah, they forget their relatives.
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Old 05-11-2019, 04:51 PM   #632
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Ralph: That's the trouble with you, Alice. You don't know the latest developments!
Alice: I don't know the latest developments??! Who is it that lets your pants out every other day??
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Old 05-12-2019, 07:37 AM   #633
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Default Mother's Day Quotes:

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "I want you to read this letter Ralph. It was made by a man a long time ago."

Ralph (reading the letter): "'Dear Mom, I'd just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average women must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise, wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage. Somehow she must keep her balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches or else she's accused of being partial and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-laws place, weigh her in the balance, being completely fair; they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first women to make it.'" (not reading): "This is pretty nice. Who wrote it?"

Alice: "You did."

"Hello Mom":

Trixie: "Ed, what did you say about my mom?"

Ed: "I said that she was the most mean, most rotten, sweetest person that I ever met."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice's Mom: "Alice, you look thin. Are you getting enough to eat?"

Alice: "Sure I am. You won't say that if you look at our food bill."

Alice's Mom: "Well, I don't doubt that the bills are high. But, how much of the food are you getting?"

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "Hello. How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."

"The Next Champ":

(Dynamite Kid is punching in the air.)

Ed: "Boy, look at him Ralph. He fights like a panther. He reminds me of the greatest street fighter I ever saw."

Ralph: "Who was that?"

Ed: "Trixie's mom."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "All I know is that your mother has been asking your father the same question for a long time and he hasn't been able to answer it yet."

Alice: "What question is that?"

Ralph: "Why don't you get a job?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "When I got married, I had a more modern stove than that."

Ralph: "When you got married, fire wasn't even invented."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Why Eddie Townsend was begging to marry her (Alice.)"

Ralph: "Eddie Townsend? Eddie Townsend? Are you kidding me? That big, fat tub of lard."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph just challenged Alice's Mom to a fight. He goes to the bedroom seconds later.)

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph (opening the door): "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

For all mothers out there, have a Happy Mother's Day!
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Old 05-12-2019, 09:21 AM   #634
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Norton: I, Edward L. Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, to be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in and out of space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.
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Old 05-12-2019, 05:02 PM   #635
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You're a riot, Alice. A regular riot.
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Old 05-12-2019, 05:12 PM   #636
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You're a riot, Alice. You're a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're goin'.

— Ralph Kramden
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Old 05-13-2019, 07:28 AM   #637
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."
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Old 05-13-2019, 07:32 AM   #638
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Anniversary Gift

Ralph Kramden: Now, you know I'm not that kind of a man. I'm not the kind that eats and runs.

Alice Kramden: Eats and runs? The way you eat, you're lucky you can walk!
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Old 05-14-2019, 07:38 AM   #639
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"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. For one of a battle, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Lost Baby":

(Ralph found a "baby" on his bus.)

Ed: "I still say that baby is John Wadamaker's (sp?) baby."

Ralph: "Are you crazy? John is a millionaire."

Ed: "You're right. If he was that rich, he would have left that baby in a taxi."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here's on bottle. H2O."

Ralph: "H2O. Oh, that is pronounced ho."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"

Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."
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Old 05-15-2019, 07:36 AM   #640
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"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Are you sure that you can type faster than me?"

Ed: "With boxing gloves on."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

Alice: "Hi Ed."

Ed: "Whaddaya say Alice?" (to Ralph): "Hello Skinny."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desparate need of a transfusion."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Tell them Alice. Do I wear a girdle?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "There you are."

Alice: "He wanted one but they don't make them that big."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you."

Ed: "Take me. I'm yours."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"
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Old 05-16-2019, 05:39 AM   #641
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Now I know why people play golf! It's not 'cause they like this game! It's just to get away from their wives! That's why they play!

— Ralph Kramden
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Old 05-16-2019, 05:41 AM   #642
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Ralph: What do you know about fishing? When have you ever caught anything?

Alice: Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.
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Old 05-16-2019, 07:39 AM   #643
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Seeing you alive is like finding a million dollars."

Ed: "If that is the case, let Trixie pay for the coffee."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Everyone is in the super deluxe cottage.)

Alice: "It takes your breath away."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before."

Trixie: "I have never seen a place like this."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before too."

Ed: "Va-va-va-voom!"

Ralph: "There is a new one for you."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph sits down and eats his two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that that was my dinner. What are the fork and knife for, to commit suicide with?"

"Operation: Protest":

Alice: "Clifford hates momism."

Ralph: "Send him to his papa."

Alice: "He can't."

Ralph: "Where is his dad hiding?"

Alice: "He is in the Navy. He is up on the North Pole counting seals."

Ralph: "He's hiding."

"Operation: Protest":

(Ralph wants to beat up Clifford for costing him his job.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Double Trouble":

Trixie: "There are two Ralph's."

Ed: "You mean that the weight Ralph lost formed into another person?"
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Old 05-16-2019, 11:52 AM   #644
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Your mambo days are over! You want to wiggle? Wiggle over to the stove, and get my supper!
— Ralph Kramden
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Old 05-17-2019, 07:49 AM   #645
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"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "I will have you know my good man that that is what they are serving at the Eisenhower Inaugural Dinner."

Ralph: "Who's catering there, democrats?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "Alice, I hope that you are satisfied. You are the first woman in history to interupt that Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well Scottie-Wattie-Do-Dah-Day!"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that's strong enough to do that."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "What's the matter with you? Here my house is braking up and my happiness is being destroyed and you want to go bowling."

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. How about a little game of pool?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

Ed: "Hey, whay don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph enters the room. Alice's Mom doesn't see him.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "Hello! How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."
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