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Old 04-26-2019, 03:40 PM   #601
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Ralph: Isn't there any lard around here?
Alice: Yeah, about 300 pounds.
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Old 04-27-2019, 07:24 AM   #602
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"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"The Sun & Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph brings out his Raccoon pants that are now so big that they don't fit him.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped,
yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
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Old 04-28-2019, 05:50 AM   #603
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Ed Norton: [Norton is amused that Ralph had told a newspaper reporter that he is the boss of his house] I'm just tryin' to get a picture of what you're gonna look like in a French Foreign Legion uniform.

Ralph Kramden: Are you trying to tell me that I'm afraid of Alice?

Ed Norton: I know you. We're buddies for a good long time, Ralph. I know you pretty good. Now, just take a little advice. Get on a phone and call that newspaper, and tell them to hold the presses, stop the presses, and don't print that statement.

Ralph Kramden: Oh, no. Not me, Norton. That's the kind of a thing you'd do, but not me. And that's the difference between us, Norton. That's the difference. I am a boss; you are a mouse.

Ed Norton: Well, I got one more thing to say: I'd rather be a live mouse than a dead boss.
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Old 04-28-2019, 07:31 AM   #604
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Mr. Marshall, can I have a raise?"

Mr. Marshall: "No."

Ralph: "But, it's 11:30p."

Mr. Marshall: "I don't care if it's 2:07."

Ralph: "Neither do I. But, it's 11:30p."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "As long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "You remember the joke that your mom said at our wedding?"

Alice: "What joke?"

Ralph: "You remember the joke. She said: 'I'm not losing a daughter. I'm gaining a ton.'"

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Ed: "I went to a fortune teller and she said that I would marry a brunette. The next day, I met Trixie."

Alice: "She is no brunette."

Ed: "She was then."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "Have you told Trixie about the change in vacation plans. I know that she wanted to go to Atlantic City."

Ed: "Trixie will go where I want to go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal! Put your foot down."

Alice: "What are you going to do if she puts up a squawk?"

Ed: "Very simple. I will tell her that Atlantic City is closed for the summer."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job. Trained in the same fashion as each other. There's always one man in the group that stands out far from the others."

Ed: "Yeah, I guess you're right there Ralph. If you stood out any more in front, you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."
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Old 04-28-2019, 07:44 AM   #605
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[Alice is planning the menu for Ralph's birthday party]

Alice: On second thought, I better make that coconut cake.

Trixie: Why? Ralph's crazy about chocolate cake.

Alice: That's just it. I bought him a new belt for his birthday, and I wanna make sure it fits the day after.

Trixie: Well, you can always exchange it for a larger size.

Alice: There is no larger size.
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Old 04-29-2019, 07:21 AM   #606
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."
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Old 04-29-2019, 01:26 PM   #607
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Ed Norton: [Norton is amused that Ralph had told a newspaper reporter that he is the boss of his house] I'm just tryin' to get a picture of what you're gonna look like in a French Foreign Legion uniform.

Ralph Kramden: Are you trying to tell me that I'm afraid of Alice?

Ed Norton: I know you. We're buddies for a good long time, Ralph. I know you pretty good. Now, just take a little advice. Get on a phone and call that newspaper, and tell them to hold the presses, stop the presses, and don't print that statement.

Ralph Kramden: Oh, no. Not me, Norton. That's the kind of a thing you'd do, but not me. And that's the difference between us, Norton. That's the difference. I am a boss; you are a mouse.

Ed Norton: Well, I got one more thing to say: I'd rather be a live mouse than a dead boss.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:28 AM   #608
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"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11pm."

Alice: "Yeah. Three hours after 11pm."

"The Safety Award":

(Alice & Trixie have the same dress on.)

Ralph: "Don't those dresses look alike?"

Ed: "Alike? They are like the Bobsie Twins."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Mr. Johnson: "I couldn't raise the rent on my own. I had to go to the Rent Commission to prove hardship."

Ralph: "What did you use for evidence, a picture of this dump?"

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "On opening day, when the stand is jam packed with customers and photographers are lining up all over the joint, you won't be in the pictures."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back against the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Taurus?"

Ralph: "I'm trying to scratch an itch and I can't reach it."

Ed: "For a minute there, I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle and Roll."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "If you don't fix up my place, I am not going to pay you the rent."

Ralph: "You sneak. What kind of a sneak would think of a plan like that?"

Ed: "I learned it from you. That is waht you pulled on the landlord in the other place."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph (yells): "3AM? WHAT DID YOU GET ME UP AT THIS TIME FOR?"

Alice: "The Nortons had thier apartment painted today."

Ralph (yells): "DID THAT NEWSFLASH JUST COME ACROSS THE RADIO?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "It is times like this when I realize how selfish you are. You know the condition I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"The Match Game":

Ed: "That was a football player that used to play for us sewerworkers' football team. He got a career-ending injury during the prime of his career."

Ralph: "What was it?"

Ed: "Water on the knee."
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:32 AM   #609
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Ed Norton: What are you doing there, Ralphie Boy?
Ralph: I'm making a list of all my weak points.
Ed Norton: Oh. Is that all the paper you're going to use?
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Old 05-01-2019, 07:35 AM   #610
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"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only realxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that that has a key for opening the door at Bellevue."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I am going to sue the landlord? Where is he?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Expectant Father":

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregannt. They all act real nice around their wives.)

Trixie: "What is going on here?"

Ed: "That is for you to know and for me to find out."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your home in the city."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"We Spy":

(Ed just said to Ralph that he was a Naval Intelligence in the Navy.)

Ed: "Where is the sun?"

Ralph: "Right up there, naval intelligence."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man (to Ralph & Ed): "I don't usually drink."

Bartender (to the man): "What do you want?"

Man: "The usual."
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Old 05-01-2019, 07:51 AM   #611
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Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Look, just don't get upset. You're gettin' all upset now. Let's calm down and look nice when we get down there. There's no sense in getting upset. Now listen, the boys in the sewer, there, when we get upset we got a little motto - a little saying that gives us a little comfort in time of need. Maybe, I can pass it on to you. May I favor you with this little ode? "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat. Don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float."
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Old 05-02-2019, 07:42 AM   #612
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“Ralph Kramden Inc.”:

Ralph: “How could you tell if you saw a yellow-bellied sap sucker when they are not supposed to be around here.”

Ed: “Because the bird that I saw had a yellow belly and it was sucking sap.”

“Young Man With A Horn”:

Alice: “All right Ralph. You haven’t touched this cornette (sp?) in years.”

Ralph: “I want to keep it.”

Ed: “He has a point Alice. He hasn’t seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them.”

“Dial J For Janitor”:

Ralph: “Your garbage can was only half full. When it’s full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here – save a trip there and it all adds up.”

Ed: “That is what I am afraid of. It is mounting up all over the building.”

“Man In The Blue Suit”:

Alice: “Lucky suit? You haven’t worn the suit in five years.”

Ralph: “Do you know anybody who has been as unlucky as I have been in the last five years?”

Alice: “Yeah. Me.”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Ralph: “I am not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me.”

(Alice puts a bowl on Ralph’s head and “salutes” him.)

Alice: “Har-har-har!”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Trixie: “$989 for a summer cottage.”

Alice: “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of Ralph’s harebrained schemes.”

Ed: “Don’t give him all the credit. It was partly my idea too.”

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
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Old 05-02-2019, 08:19 AM   #613
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Alice: Ralph, there's only one thing you can do. Only one thing. You just gotta go down there, give them back the $5,000, and tell them the truth.
Ralph: They don't care about the $5,000. This installment is on the stands now. They'll be laughed out of the business. What are they gonna put in the next installment, "Bus driver won't die from scratching fleas"?
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Old 05-03-2019, 07:36 AM   #614
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"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ed: "Some people will think that just because I have a sewer job, I have a glamorous job."

Ralph: "What job are you applying for?"

Ed: "Sewer inspector."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now, what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I want to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awafully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"What's The Name" & "What's Her Name":

Ralph: "Name the stars we saw in that picture tonight."

Ed: "Gary Coleman, Lana Turner..."

Ralph: "Keep going."

Ed: "You keep going. I am still thinking of Lana."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Mr. Marshall's daughter is getting married.)

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph: "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that Fun & Sun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What is he doing down at Perth Amboy?"
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Old 05-03-2019, 04:07 PM   #615
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Ralph: Acting young ain't what keeps you young, but if you have some memories - some good memories - of when you were young, that's what keeps you young.
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