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Old 03-23-2019, 07:37 AM   #541
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"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that we have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "I am the master of this house and you are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph & Ed are playing poker with a bunch of people.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everyone if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "That is a peephole. When someone knocks on your door, you look through that just in case it is a person that you don't want to let in like a deliver boy."

Ed: "The only thing you can deliver through there is a salami."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Ralph (to Emily): "He has a sickness."

Ed (as Count Marco): "I am allergic to sphagetti."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You think that I am Shorty."

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who is Shorty?"

Ralph: "How should I know? I never met him."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here is another bottle. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT IS OLIVE OIL."
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Old 03-24-2019, 07:58 AM   #542
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"Follow The Boys":

(Ed is doing a crossword puzzle outside.)

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one: House. H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They don't present a challenge."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Ed & Alice are lovers. Ed is in Ralph's home.)

Alice: "Excuse me sweetheart."

Ralph: "Who are you calling 'sweetheart.'"

Alice: "Norton. Who else?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Norton Moves In" & "Battle of The Sexes":

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. When ever your mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11p."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket Ralph."

Ralph: "Thank you."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"
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Old 03-25-2019, 07:43 AM   #543
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"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph has just told Alice not to tell the Nortons about his promotion, but unbeknownst to Ralph, she did.)

Ralph: "I have been promoted. I am now an executive."

Ed: "What a surprise."

(Ed tries to act like he's surprised.)

Ralph (to Alice): "So you told him, huh?"

"Two-Family Car":

(Alice cleans the fire escape and the mop fell off the rod. It landed on Ralph.)

Alice: "I see that you found my mop."

Ralph: "What this? This one of those new Italian haircuts."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(Ralph is ready to paint the Norton's apartment.)

Ed: "I want the walls to be brown. Not as dark as a hazel-nut brown. Not as brown as morbid milk brown. There's a certain way that the sun at Coney Island has a way of striking the a hot dog's mustard which reflects off the hot dog through the sauerkraut. That's the kind of brown that I want."

Ralph: "What about the moldings and window frames?"

Ed: "I sort of visualize them as a misty gray. Did you see that technicolor movie with Ricardo Cortez? I want the grey from his eyes. Not the iris part of his eyes, but the cornea."

Ralph: "That kind of grey huh? What about the door?"

Ed: "The door I haven't really thought to much about."

Ralph: "I think it should be something neutral so it doesn't clash with anything."

Ed: "Good thinking. It should be a delicate badge. Not a harsh badge, just a neutral delicate badge."

Ralph: "Let me see if I got all this right. You want the walls to be a brown like the sun striking through the mustard and saurkraut on a hot dog. You want the moldings and window frames to be the gray of Robert Cortez's eyes. Not the iris, but the cornea and you want the door to be a nice delicate badge."

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "I'm painting the whole joint green."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough in here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say: 'Hey, get a load of fatso there.'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND."
(normally): "Would you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah about 300 lbs. of it."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."
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Old 03-26-2019, 07:44 AM   #544
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "In this hotel, the guest doesn't have to lift a finger."

Ed: "Neither does the manager."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."
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Old 03-27-2019, 08:02 AM   #545
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."
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Old 03-28-2019, 07:47 AM   #546
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed: "What are you yelling at me for? You got rid of the hic-koffs, didn't you?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You got no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh yes I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailer."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon of a cottage.)

Ed: "This cottage isn't so bad."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just found out that it was Ed who wrote the note.)

Mrs. Patterson: "Notice the open o's."

Ralph: "Open O's? I will open his head."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"
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Old 03-29-2019, 08:20 AM   #547
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"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store Dream' we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Alice (yells): "RALPH?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

Alice (yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "OKAY."

Alice (yells): "WAHT'S OKAY?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You use the bathroom first one morning. The next morning, Ed will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to all my problems. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."
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Old 03-30-2019, 08:06 AM   #548
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Champagne and Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get your job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."
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Old 03-31-2019, 07:50 AM   #549
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"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wive's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is deprived of water for several days. He comes in looking sick.)

Ralph: "Is there anything I can get you?"

Ed (sounding completly healthy): "Yes. Water! Water! I want water!"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph & Ed are at the bank.)

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think that the wallpaper is pretty. She thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at the wallpaper.)

E: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ed: "La Cucaracha Shop. Is that the name of the boss?"

Swifty Jenkins: "No, it means The Cockroach Shop."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

(Ralph puts on a Mexican Sombrero.)

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed with a Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."
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Old 03-31-2019, 07:59 AM   #550
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Ralph: They want to put on a show and sell tickets and that way, the lodge can get money.
Ed Norton: Well, now, wait a minute, Ralph. That ain't such a bad idea, you know.
Ralph: Are you kidding? If the Raccoon Lodge put on a play, the only way they would make money is to let everybody in free and then charge them to get out.
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Old 04-01-2019, 07:44 AM   #551
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"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Ralph tells Alice that he will get the money for the cottage from his life insurance. Alice thinks that that is crazy.)

Alice: "You got rocks in your head Ralph."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph finds out that he lost $200 the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "You're getting panicky."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8 from?"
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Old 04-02-2019, 07:46 AM   #552
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"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you write music, you can write any kind of music."

Ed: "Oh yeah? Name me one rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "I have to get up early in the moring too and you don't hear me complaining and I have got responsibilities. If I fall asleep, I am liable to run into something."

Ed: "If I fall asleep, I am liable to drown."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "I didn't know that anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "How will they know that I am a member of the Hurricanes?"

Alice: "Just open your mouth."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am wiriting a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper that you are going to use?"
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Old 04-02-2019, 07:53 AM   #553
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Alice: I'll go fix my lipstick. I won't be gone long, Killer. I call you "Killer" 'cause you slay me.

Ralph: And I'm calling Bellevue 'cause you're nuts!
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Old 04-03-2019, 07:43 AM   #554
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"Man in the Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I'm not giving her this, boy. It's the first chance I've had any money of my own. You don't know what I have to go through when I wanna get something. A couple of months ago I wanted to get a bowling ball, you never saw such a riot take place. Arguing, screaming, yelling, ranting and raving! I finally had to say to her, "Now look, I'm the master of this house,..." (yells): "...GIVE ME THE MONEY FOR THE BOWLING BALL!!" (normally): "Then about three weeks ago I wanted to get a fishing rod, the same thing all over again. A couple of days ago I wanted to get a wallet. She started in all night, all day, all the next night and all the next day! I had to put my foot down again, I said..." (yells): "GIVE ME THE MONEY!!" (normally): "This time I'm keeping the money and I'm gonna get what I want, without any beefin'."

Ed: "What are you gonna get with it?"

Ralph: "A bowling ball, a fishing rod and a wallet!!!"

"New Manager":

Alice: "Why would Ralph run away?"

Ed: "He's married, ain't he?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "You are an idiot."

Ed: "Maybe I am, but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives tale Ralph: ĎA man works from sun-to-sun, but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't drop by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How can I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper: 'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married."
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Old 04-04-2019, 05:38 AM   #555
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Norton: Well, we're gonna have a lot of laughs at this convention with wives along. I have a feeling that I may replace you as poster boy during National Nut Week. Will you tell me one thing, please? How do you get us into these fixes?

Ralph: Very simple. Very simple, Norton. I HAVE A BIG MOUTH!
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