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Old 02-20-2019, 08:54 AM   #496
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Norton: [to Ralph on how he adjusted his watch by looking out the window] I set my watch by the Chinese restaurant. It opens at 5PM every day.
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:33 AM   #497
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"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "What theme should we use for the dance?"

Ed: "How about the Vikings discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to use that theme in the Sons of Italy hall?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Your mom's apartment is too small for us."

Alice: "You didn't say that when we lived there before. Mother's apartment is getting smaller."

Ed: "Yeah, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that Ralph. They are holding up the wall."
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:40 AM   #498
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Ralph Kramden: Pretty sneaky, the gas company, to send me a bill on the back of a postcard.
Ed Norton: Oh, boy, that ain't the worst of it. Now, everybody in the building knows what you're paying for your gas bill.
Ralph Kramden: What are you talkin' about?
Ed Norton: Mrs. Schwartz, that blabbermouth, she looks at all the postcards and then yakety-yak-yaks all over the building.
Ralph Kramden: You're kiddin'.
Ed Norton: I'm not kiddin'. I know how much your gas bill is: 93 cents.
Ralph Kramden: [looks at bill] That's right.
Ed Norton: See? Oh, by the way, Ralph, congratulations on that 93-cent gas...
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Old 02-22-2019, 08:41 AM   #499
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the
car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The men are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why did you raise everybody and then say: 'I'm out.'"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."
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Old 02-22-2019, 09:07 AM   #500
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Ed Norton: [reading from a script, as he helps Ralph rehearse] "I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies."

Ralph: "I'm glad to hear..."

[stops and looks up]

Ralph: "String of poloponies"? Where do you see that?

Ed Norton: [pointing at script] Right there - "a string of poloponies".

Ralph: That's "a string of polo ponies"!
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Old 02-23-2019, 08:38 AM   #501
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"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that we have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "I am the master of this house and you are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph & Ed are playing poker with a bunch of people.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everyone if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "That is a peephole. When someone knocks on your door, you look through that just in case it is a person that you don't want to let in like a deliver boy."

Ed: "The only thing you can deliver through there is a salami."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Ralph (to Emily): "He has a sickness."

Ed (as Count Marco): "I am allergic to sphagetti."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You think that I am Shorty."

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who is Shorty?"

Ralph: "How should I know? I never met him."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here is another bottle. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT IS OLIVE OIL."
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Old 02-24-2019, 06:09 AM   #502
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Alice Kramden: [asking Ralph where he is going, with luggage and a hat] Alright, Ralph, are you going to tell me?

Ralph Kramden: No, I am not gonna tell you. No, I am not. And just for that, I ain't even going.

[puts his luggage away and takes his hat off]

Ralph Kramden: There, you satisfied? Now you've ruined the wonderful trip I was going on!

Alice Kramden: Boy, oh, boy, all I know is, if they ever institute a Nut Of The Month club, I've got a very good idea who's going to be January and February.
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Old 02-24-2019, 08:30 AM   #503
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus, just to take care of her. All ofa sudden today, I see her coming out of a restuarant and go into a cab with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Somebody down at the bus depot had an idead for a plaque to put on Ralph's bus that says: 'You are now driving with the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. I like that. Ed, you can tell me, who thought of the idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "You got to talk Trixie into taking that dress off."

Ed: "I am too young to die."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."
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Old 02-24-2019, 08:32 AM   #504
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Ralph: I was handling that janitor job just perfect. Then that thing had to happen. And it wasn't my fault, Alice, it wasn't my fault.

Alice: No. No, it wasn't your fault, Ralph. You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of bologna in a one-pound bag.
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Old 02-25-2019, 08:26 AM   #505
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Seeing you alive is like finding a million dollars."

Ed: "If that is the case, let Trixie pay for the coffee."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Everyone is in the super deluxe cottage.)

Alice: "It takes your breath away."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before."

Trixie: "I have never seen a place like this."

"Mr. Mosby": "We have heard that before too."

Ed: "Va-va-va-voom!"

Ralph: "There is a new one for you."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph sits down and eats his two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that that was my dinner. What are the fork and knife for, to commit suicide with?"

"Operation: Protest":

Alice: "Clifford hates momism."

Ralph: "Send him to his papa."

Alice: "He can't."

Ralph: "Where is his dad hiding?"

Alice: "He is in the Navy. He is up on the North Pole counting seals."

Ralph: "He's hiding."

"Operation: Protest":

(Ralph wants to beat up Clifford for costing him his job.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Double Trouble":

Trixie: "There are two Ralph's."

Ed: "You mean that the weight Ralph lost formed into another person?"
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Old 02-26-2019, 08:32 AM   #506
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to straighten up with his bad back. He stands up straight but in an unnatural way.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is impatiently waiting for Ed to get out of the bathtub so he can take a bath. Ralph is worried that he will be late for work with all the waiting that he is doing.)

Alice: "We will make a schedule. One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use it first."

Ralph: "That solves the whole problem. Now, I will only be late every other day."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11p."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"
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Old 02-26-2019, 12:12 PM   #507
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Ed Norton: [to Harvey] A pox on you and all your ancestors!
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:30 AM   #508
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"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish from his basket.)

Alice: "This is what you had the big tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, it's 2am in the morining and Aunt Ethel isn't home yet."

Ralph: "She better get home early if she has to wake me up at 6am."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed (reading another one of the bottles): "'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil.'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ralph trains for his fight with Harvey with Ed.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "ARGGGGGGGGGGH!...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!...WAAAAAAAAAAAA...OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWW!" (to Ed): "Why did you hit me in the stomach for when you told me to cover up my face?"

Ed: "That should be a lesson. You should never trust anybody in the boxing ring."
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:34 AM   #509
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Ralph: [answering the janitor's phone yet again] Hello?

[pause]

Ralph: No, Mrs. Schwartz, this is a HOUSE phone! You can't get Jersey on it!

[hangs up]
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:03 AM   #510
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Alice Kramden: Trixie hasn't had any sleep in three nights. If she doesn't get some rest soon, she's just gonna waste away to nothing.

Ralph Kramden: She didn't have any sleep in three nights? How about me? I haven't slept in three nights! She'll waste away? Don't you care if I waste away?

Alice Kramden: Yes, I care, Ralph! But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years.

Ralph Kramden: How would you like to waste away on the moon?
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