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Old 09-13-2018, 07:50 AM   #226
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"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Oh, is that all that they are going to do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It just so happens Alice that I was planning on that refund - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I need all of the refund - all 42 dollars! I can't afford to let any of the 42 go! I got to go down to Fred's Landings - I need 42dollars! What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?"

Alice: "We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Just ask for a cheaper tent with a smaller snake."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens and Nortons run into "Mr. Mosby" in hopes of getting a cottage. The one that they are in costs $2,000.)

"Mr. Mosby": "I'm going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy a cottage for us?"

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."

"Jellybeans":

(Ed takes some of the jellybeans and eats them. Ralph spots him.)

Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU EATING THOSE JELLYBEANS
FOR?"

Ed: "What's the matter? What are they, poisoned?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you see Dynamite wallop that cigarette machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."
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Old 09-13-2018, 08:04 AM   #227
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Dick Gersh: Tell me, Dr. Norton, what school did you attend?

Ed Norton: P.S., 31 Oyster Bay.

Dick Gersh: No, I mean, what medical school?

Ralph: Oh, uh, he went to Oxford.

Dick Gersh: Oh, in England.

Ed Norton: Is that where it is?

Dick Gersh: You mean you went to school in Oxford and you don't know it's in England?

Ed Norton: Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it was so foggy over there, I don't know where it was.

Ed Norton: [responding to Ralph's request that Ed pose as a phony doctor] Don't touch me, Ralph! I'm sterile!
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Old 09-14-2018, 07:43 AM   #228
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"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."
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Old 09-15-2018, 06:22 AM   #229
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Ed Norton: [Ralph has been keeping everyone awake worrying about his taxes, while Alice and Norton try to calm him] Boy, I tell you, I'm surprised at you, Ralph, carrying this way. So what if they're investigating your taxes? What can they do to you? Can they put you up in front of a firing squad?
Ralph Kramden: [sheepishly] No, they can't.
Ed Norton: Can they push you over a cliff?
Ralph Kramden: No, they can't.
Ed Norton: Can they string you up there on the end of a rope?
Ralph Kramden: No, I guess they can't...
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Old 09-15-2018, 08:03 AM   #230
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
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Old 09-15-2018, 08:27 AM   #231
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Ralph Kramden: [trying to fix a broken vacuum cleaner] That's what it needs, just a little drop of oil. It'll be alright.
Alice Kramden: A little drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas.
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Old 09-16-2018, 07:39 AM   #232
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"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wive's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is deprived of water for several days. He comes in looking sick.)

Ralph: "Is there anything I can get you?"

Ed (sounding completly healthy): "Yes. Water! Water! I want water!"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph & Ed are at the bank.)

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think that the wallpaper is pretty. She thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at the wallpaper.)

E: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ed: "La Cucaracha Shop. Is that the name of the boss?"

Swifty Jenkins: "No, it means The Cockroach Shop."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

(Ralph puts on a Mexican Sombrero.)

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed with a Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."
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Old 09-16-2018, 07:43 AM   #233
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Norton: I, Edward Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, to be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in and out of space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.
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Old 09-17-2018, 07:32 AM   #234
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It is one of my new ones. Just remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much in order to stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, how can I lose a few inches in a few hours?"

Ed: "Maybe all that food made you shorter."

"Hero Part 1":

Herman Gruber: "I remember our class picture Ralph. You were in the first row."

Ed: "In the first row? He must have BEEN the first row."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"
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Old 09-17-2018, 07:35 AM   #235
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Alice Kramden: Trixie hasn't had any sleep in three nights. If she doesn't get some rest soon, she's just gonna waste away to nothing.
Ralph Kramden: She didn't have any sleep in three nights? How about me? I haven't slept in three nights! She'll waste away? Don't you care if I waste away?
Alice Kramden: Yes, I care, Ralph! But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years.
Ralph Kramden: How would you like to waste away on the moon?
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Old 09-18-2018, 07:39 AM   #236
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"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you write music, you can write any kind of music."

Ed: "Oh yeah? Name me one rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "I have to get up early in the moring too and you don't hear me complaining and I have got responsibilities. If I fall asleep, I am liable to run into something."

Ed: "If I fall asleep, I am liable to drown."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "I didn't know that anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "How will they know that I am a member of the Hurricanes?"

Alice: "Just open your mouth."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am wiriting a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper that you are going to use?"
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Old 09-18-2018, 08:30 AM   #237
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Alice Kramden: [Ralph has gone into the bedroom to get Alice's slippers] Oh, Ralph? Ralph!
Ralph Kramden: [comes out, mildly annoyed] What is it now?
Alice Kramden: I forgot to tell ya something and it's very important. I told Tony that I lived with my brother. See, he doesn't know that I'm married, so when he gets here, you just say you're my brother.
Ralph Kramden: [nods in agreement, turns to go into the bedroom, and immediately storms out] *WHAT*? You told him that you were not what and I'm who?
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Old 09-18-2018, 08:30 AM   #238
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Alice Kramden: [Ralph has gone into the bedroom to get Alice's slippers] Oh, Ralph? Ralph!
Ralph Kramden: [comes out, mildly annoyed] What is it now?
Alice Kramden: I forgot to tell ya something and it's very important. I told Tony that I lived with my brother. See, he doesn't know that I'm married, so when he gets here, you just say you're my brother.
Ralph Kramden: [nods in agreement, turns to go into the bedroom, and immediately storms out] *WHAT*? You told him that you were not what and I'm who?
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Old 09-19-2018, 08:33 AM   #239
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"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"Lost Baby":

Alice: "What was a baby doing on your bus?"

Ralph: "You don't expect a baby this young to walk do you?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon of a cottage.)

Ed: "This cottage isn't so bad."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Every mistake that Ed has made, Ralph has talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed & Ralph are trying to think of a way to get that woman, as they refer to her as, out of the phone booth. Unbeknownst to them, the woman is Alice.)

Ed: "Why don't we go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home. She leaves. Then, we come back here to call up the hypnotist."

Ralph: "Did you just say to go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home, then when she leaves, we use this phone to call up the hypnotist?" (yells): "I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID IN MY LIFE. THIS PHONE WOULD BE BUSY IF WE DID THAT."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

"Brother-In-Law":

(Ralph leaps on to the couch to get the mouse. Ralph gets dust all over himeslf.)

Ed: "Did you get the mouse Ralph?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get him."

Ed: "Then everybody stay quiet."

Ralph: "Why should we do that?"

Ed: "So we can hear the mouse. With all this dust around, he's bound to start coughing."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

(Ed shows how Caramine the boxer threw punches when he saw him on TV.)

Ralph: "Who did he fight?"

Ed: "Nobody. He was being introduced on the Ed Sullivan Show."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing that I ever got into."

Alice: "The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."
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Old 09-19-2018, 09:14 AM   #240
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Ed Norton: [about Ralph getting Jim McKeever's ring stuck on his finger] That's like King Farouk slipping into Gary Cooper's bathing suit!
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