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Old 12-30-2019, 08:26 AM   #961
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[Ralph and Norton go to the IRS and see Richard Puder]

Richard Puder:
Which one of you men is Mr. Kramden?

Norton:
He's Kramden, I'm clean.
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~*Mikaela*~
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Old 12-31-2019, 08:19 AM   #962
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Default New Year's Eve Quotes:

First three from "New Year's Eve":

#1

(Ed doesn't want to go out for New Year's Eve and Trixie wants to. They had an aarguement.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, have you got some mercurochrome?"

Ralph: "Why? What happened?"

(Ed takes off his hat to reveal a band-aid.)

Ed: "Trixie won, we are going out New Year's Eve."

#2:

(Alice wants to go out on New Year's Eve, but Ralph doesn't want to take her.)

Ralph: "Are you calling me cheap?"

Alice: "All right. You are cheap Ralph. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap."

#3:

Ed: "Trixie, that sweater you gave me came in handy for me down in the sewer."

Trixie: "Was it cold down there today?"

Ed: "What?"

Trixie: "Was it cold down there today?"

Ed: "No, there was a leak in one of the pipes. I used the sweater to plug up the leak."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: You know what her short visits are? Like the time she came for Christmas and New Year's. the only trouble is that she came for New year's and stayed until Christmas. I also don't like when she says: 'Poor Alice doesn't have a washing machine. 'Poor Alice doesn't have an electric stove.' You go and tell her that she can't come."

Alice: "I can't. Poor Alice doesn't have a phone either."

"The Man From Space":

(Ralph is in his "Man From Space" costume.)

Ralph: "Can you see the faces on them, down there when I walk in with this? Well, what do you think?"

(Alice stands.)

Alice: "You want to know what I think? I think that you're nuts."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "I know how to win the costume contest."

Ed: "So do I."

Ralph: "How?"

Ed: "By having the best costume."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "All I know is that when I got married, I had a more modern stove than that."

Ralph: "When you got married, fire wasn't even invented."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"We Spy":

(At the party, Ed and subsequently Ralph just revealed the "new" Russian Holiday of Thanksgiving. The Russian party thrower wants everyone to roast the goat in honor of Thanksgiving because that is what Ralph said is one of the traditions of Thanksgiving.)

Russian: "Holiday weekend."

Ralph (angerly to Ed) : "Holiday weekend."

Ed: "It's a good thing it is'nt New Year's Eve. Can you imagine all the finks on the road from Minsk to Finsk."

Happy New Year!
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Old 12-31-2019, 08:52 AM   #963
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Ed Norton:
[to Alice, as the Nortons return home via the Kramdens' fire escape] Going home like this reminds me of that old poem I used to love from my childhood: "When he crept out into the stealthy night air, / Little did he realize the fire escape was not there."
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Old 01-01-2020, 02:15 AM   #964
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Default New Year's Day Quotes:

"New Year's Eve Party":

(Ralph & Ed are in the Statler Hotel.)

Ralph: "What would this place be without all of this great stuff?"

Ed: "Your apartment."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Where's my mandolin?"

Alice: "Did you forget what happened on New Year's Eve?"

Ralph: "Well, where's the pieces? Maybe I can fix it."

"New Year's Eve Party":

Ralph: "I have pain."

Mr. Marshall: "Is it a steady or shooting pain?"

Ralph: "What's the difference?"

Mr. Marshall: "Shooting pain is more painful."

Ralph: "It's a shooting pain."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed just said that he saw Mike Douglas down in the sewer to present an award.)

Alice: "Does Mike Douglas look as good as he does on TV?"

Ed: "I couldn't tell. He had a mask on."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color version):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"The Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "How would you like to be the wife of a rich, brilliant highly respected business man?"

Ed: "I think Alice wants to stay with you Ralph."

All from "Man From Space":

#1:

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I am not up on the latest developments? Who is it that let out your pants the other day?"

#2:

Alice: "Why don't you make your own costume?"

Ralph: "Because I want to win the costume contest. That's why."

#3:

(Alice is in her 12-year old costume.)

Alice: "What do you think Ralph?"

Ralph: "Where's the rest of the costume?"

Happy New Year!
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Old 01-01-2020, 09:10 AM   #965
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Ed Norton:
[responding to Ralph's request that Ed pose as a phony doctor] Don't touch me, Ralph! I'm sterile!
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Old 01-02-2020, 08:31 AM   #966
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"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"The Safety Award":

(Alice & Trixie have the same dress on.)

Ralph: "Don't those dresses look alike?"

Ed: "Alike? They are like the Bobbsie Twins."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit too?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortunate that is broken down."

Ed: "That is right. Someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Happy is the worst horse. I saw them take the bandages off the horse."

Ed: "Yeah, Happy had a bad headache."

"Two For The Money":

Man: "If he had bandages on his legs, why didn't he stretch them?"

Ed: "Happy didn't have to do that. They put Olive Oil on his legs before they put the bandages on."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."
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Old 01-02-2020, 08:41 AM   #967
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Alice Kramden:
I am the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen. This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast!
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Old 01-03-2020, 09:02 AM   #968
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"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He's in the library."

Ed: "The library? He ought to get here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Opportuinty Knocks, But":

(Ralph is upset that Ed is now his supervisor.)

Alice: "It's a blow to your pride."

Ralph: "It's not my pride Alice. It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Face it Alice. The day Ed becomes my boss, I will quit."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I have got my pride."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
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Old 01-03-2020, 09:03 AM   #969
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Ralph Kramden:
[to Alice] You don't have to worry about me, I can take care of myself.

Ed Norton:
If you knew how to take care of yourself, you wouldn't have to leave town.
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Old 01-04-2020, 08:46 AM   #970
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut down on my bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph looks at the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Your husband certainly is a trea-sure."

(Rita leaves.)

Alice: "A trea-sure? If he keeps this up much longer, he will be a buried trea-sure."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't even know what I look like."

Ed: "That is okay. You og down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, try not to give away the furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "We are living just like the Indians did."

Ralph: "If the Indians had to live like this, no wonder they are the vanishing race."

"The Mod Couple" (aka "Honeymooners In England"):

Trixie: "I don't think I am the maid type."

Ed: "She's right Ralph. Do you think you can cast her as an English Bulldog?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "How do you like your new place Triixe?"

Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question to ask me when I have a hammer in my hand."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I dropped the soap somewhere in the bathroom. You will have to find it."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER." (slipping on soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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Old 01-04-2020, 08:48 AM   #971
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Ed Norton:
Hello, Mrs. Kramden. It's nice of you to have us. My, what a beautiful place you have here! By the way - mambo, anyone?

Trixie:
Not now, Ed. [to Alice] He's had me doing the mambo all morning!

Ed Norton:
Pardon me, Mrs. Kramden. Is your spouse on the premises?

Alice:
He's in the bedroom making the bed.

Ed Norton:
Oh, what a gentlemanly thing to do! If you will allow me to take my leave, I will retire to the boudoir and join my bosom companion. [He mambos out of the room]
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Old 01-05-2020, 08:44 AM   #972
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“Ralph Kramden Inc.”:

Ralph: “How could you tell if you saw a yellow-bellied sap sucker when they are not supposed to be around here.”

Ed: “Because the bird that I saw had a yellow belly and it was sucking sap.”

“Young Man With A Horn”:

Alice: “All right Ralph. You haven’t touched this cornette (sp?) in years.”

Ralph: “I want to keep it.”

Ed: “He has a point Alice. He hasn’t seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them.”

“Dial J For Janitor”:

Ralph: “Your garbage can was only half full. When it’s full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here – save a trip there and it all adds up.”

Ed: “That is what I am afraid of. It is mounting up all over the building.”

“Man In The Blue Suit”:

Alice: “Lucky suit? You haven’t worn the suit in five years.”

Ralph: “Do you know anybody who has been as unlucky as I have been in the last five years?”

Alice: “Yeah. Me.”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Ralph: “I am not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me.”

(Alice puts a bowl on Ralph’s head and “salutes” him.)

Alice: “Har-har-har!”

“Cottage For Sale Part 1”:

Trixie: “$989 for a summer cottage.”

Alice: “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of Ralph’s harebrained schemes.”

Ed: “Don’t give him all the credit. It was partly my idea too.”

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
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Old 01-05-2020, 08:48 AM   #973
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Rita Wedemeyer:
What a husband you have. He certainly is a treasure.

[Mrs. Weidermeyer leaves the room]

Alice:
A treasure? He keeps this up much longer he's going to be a BURIED treasure.
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Old 01-06-2020, 08:28 AM   #974
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"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only realxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that that has a key for opening the door at Bellevue."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I am going to sue the landlord? Where is he?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Expectant Father":

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregannt. They all act real nice around their wives.)

Trixie: "What is going on here?"

Ed: "That is for you to know and for me to find out."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your home in the city."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"We Spy":

(Ed just said to Ralph that he was a Naval Intelligence in the Navy.)

Ed: "Where is the sun?"

Ralph: "Right up there, naval intelligence."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man (to Ralph & Ed): "I don't usually drink."

Bartender (to the man): "What do you want?"

Man: "The usual."
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Old 01-06-2020, 12:50 PM   #975
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Ed Norton:
I guess Agnes and Stanley are up in Niagara Falls now, huh?

Ralph Kramden:
Yeah? If Stanley's up there, he's up there alone. She's here. Agnes is in the bedroom.

Ed Norton:
Agnes is here?

Ralph Kramden:
They had an argument, a big fight right after the reception.

Ed Norton:
Boy, let me tell you something: I heard of husbands and wives taking separate vacations. This is the first time I ever heard of separate honeymoons.

Ralph Kramden:
They're not on their honeymoon. They had a fight, I'm telling ya.
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