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Old 05-24-2019, 06:52 AM   #661
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"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."
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Old 05-24-2019, 07:16 AM   #662
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Ralph: [to Norton] Hey, what does 'icky' mean?

Ed Norton: I don't know, why?

Ralph: Alice just said I was icky.

Ed Norton: Must mean 'fat.'
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Old 05-25-2019, 04:19 AM   #663
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"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows you what you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph thinks that the government is investigating him. Ed thought that Ralph put down his weight on an income tax form.)

Ralph: "Now would you mind telling me why I would put down my weight on an income tax form?"

Ed: "Why would I know? You're the one being investigated."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Songs & Witty Sayings":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."
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Old 05-26-2019, 06:43 AM   #664
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man inthis city that's strong enough to do that."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice just got introduced as contestants on "Beat The Clock.")

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your lives?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."
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Old 05-26-2019, 01:13 PM   #665
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[to Alice's mother; shouting] You—are a blabbermouth! A blabbermouth! You! Blabbermouth! Out!

Ralph Kramden
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Old 05-26-2019, 01:31 PM   #666
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Ed Norton: (In response to Ralph being temporarily laid off) I know just how you feel because I went through the same thing two or three years ago when they laid me off from the sewer. I felt just like a fish out of water.
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Old 05-26-2019, 01:37 PM   #667
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Acting young ain't what keeps you young, but if you have some memories—some good memories—of when you were young, that's what keeps you young.

— Ralph Kramden
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Old 05-27-2019, 06:27 AM   #668
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Default Memorial Day Quotes:

All from "Please Leave The Premises":

#1:

Mr. Johnson: "The rent commission gave me permission to raise the rent. My reasons are right there in that note."

Ed: "I knew this would happen as soon as the war ended."

#2:

Ralph: "This is war Alice. Total war and it's going to be run like a war. George Washington never gave up. He fought for a cause the same way I am. I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

#3:

Alice: "Do you realize that for the last few days, we hadn't had any heat, water or electricity. And now that you have this silly barricade up, we can't go out and buy any food."

Ralph: "I'm not giving up Alice. I'm not giving up. Boy, you kill me. A few inconveniences and already you want to quit."

"Without Reservations":

Alice: "Stanley has had this trouble with his back ever since the war."

Ralph: "Trouble with his back ever since the war? You're right Alice; the war did give him a lot of trouble with his back on account he was hiding from the draft board in those cellars that's why."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

(Alice's sister is giving a lot of luggage to Ralph who is giving the luggage to Stanley. One of the pieces being, a suitcase.)

Stanley: "I got it. I got it."

(Alice's sister gives Ralph a fourth suitcase.)

Ralph: "The allies invaded Normandy with less than this."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me."

(Alice gets a pot, puts it on Ralph's head like an Army helmet, and "salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har!"

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I'm not giving her this, boy. It's the first chance I've had any money of my own. You don't know what I have to go through when I wanna get something. A couple of months ago I wanted to get a bowling ball, you never saw such a riot take place. Arguing, screaming, yelling, ranting and raving! I finally had to say to her, "Now look, I'm the master of this house..." (yells): "GIVE ME THE MONEY FOR THE BOWLING BALL!!" (normally): "Then about three weeks ago I wanted to get a fishing rod, the same thing all over again. A couple of days ago I wanted to get a wallet. She started in all night, all day, all the next night and all the next day! I had to put my foot down again, I said..." (yells): "GIVE ME THE MONEY!!" (normally): "This time I'm keeping the money and I'm gonna get what I want, without any beefin'."

Ed: "What are you gonna get with it?"

Ralph: "A bowling ball, a fishing rod and a wallet!!!"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."

"The New Manager”:

Alice: "Why would Ralph run away?"

Ed: "He's married, isn’t he?"

Happy Memorial Day!
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Old 05-27-2019, 06:30 AM   #669
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Ralph Kramden: Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?

Ed Norton: Yeah, they forget their relatives.
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Old 05-27-2019, 02:28 PM   #670
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Ralph: Me and my silly pride. Well, I promise you this, Norton: I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on out how to swallow my pride.
Norton: Well, that ought not to be too hard; you've learned how to swallow everything else.
Ralph: GET OUT!
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Old 05-28-2019, 06:32 AM   #671
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"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "You can't put a square box in a round hole."

Ralph: "No? Then how did you get your head in your hat?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "What kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that's strong enough to do that."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "What's the matter with you? Here my house is braking up and my happiness is being destroyed and you want to go bowling."

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. How about a little game of pool?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

Ed: "Hey, whay don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidentally makes Ralph miss his shot while playing pool. Ralph walks up to Ed and hits Ed's foot with a pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with the pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWW!"

"The Cold":

(Alice is taking the plaster off of Ralph's back.)

Alice: "I suppose you can't take off the top of your pajamas?"

Ralph: "You want to turn the cold into ammonia."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. ‘Dear Mr. Marshall:'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"
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Old 05-28-2019, 06:48 AM   #672
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What I SAY about Norton is one thing; how I FEEL about him is something else!
— Ralph Kramden
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Old 05-29-2019, 06:43 AM   #673
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"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smkoe that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will see hamburges, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could I guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs $2 right away?"

Ed: "Today is pay day, and the guys have a dice going around down there. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
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Old 05-29-2019, 08:15 AM   #674
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Ralph Kramden: Whatever happened to the sweet unspoiled girl I married before? Whatever happened to that girl, Alice? You remember what you said to me before we got married? 'Ralph, I'd be happy to live in a tent with you.'

Alice Kramden: I'm still willing. I think it'd be an improvement.

Ralph Kramden: Do you wanna go to the moon? Do you wanna go to the moon?

Alice Kramden: That would be an improvement, too.
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Old 05-30-2019, 06:43 AM   #675
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"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smkoe that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will see hamburges, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could I guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs $2 right away?"

Ed: "Today is pay day, and the guys have a dice going around down there. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-
OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
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