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Old 09-21-2006, 03:55 AM   #811
lilhave
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Default Founding fathers

Top Ten Things The Founding Fathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today


10. "Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!"

9. "Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn't such a bad idea after all..."

8. "Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines"

7. "That's odd -- in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond"

6. "So that's the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams"

5. "Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square"

4. "We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!"

3. "Back in our time there certainly wasn't anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin"

2. "He did what in the Oval Office?"

1. "Screw this, we're going to Canada"

Harvey
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Old 09-21-2006, 03:56 AM   #812
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Default Websites

The 10 Worst Website Names:

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it looks.

Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity:
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in
New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software:
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church:
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?
www.gotahoe.com

Harvey
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Old 09-22-2006, 03:40 AM   #813
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Default Strange Lyrics

Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help >From Depends

Roberta Flack --The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba -- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

Harvey
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Old 09-22-2006, 03:43 AM   #814
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Default Rules of the Road

Rules Of The Road

The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.
The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.
The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.
The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.
Toll booth operators must possess at least two of the following qualities:
-Less than ten digits
-Lack of teeth
-A rare skin disorder
-The ability to mispronounce the simplest of words
-The inability to give directions in under ten minutes

If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.
The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.
When the gas gauge needle hits "E", there's still a gallon left in the tank.
When the gas gauge needle hits "F", the tank isn't really full.
Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.

Harvey
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Old 09-22-2006, 03:45 AM   #815
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Default New Diet

I've got a new diet. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and as much as I want. I'm not losing any weight, but it's really easy to stick to.

I've started an exercise program, too. I do 20 sit-ups each morning.

That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

Harvey
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Old 09-23-2006, 08:06 AM   #816
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Default Dogs & Computers

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

Can't stick their heads out of Windows XP
Fetch command not available on all platforms.
Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.

Harvey
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Old 09-23-2006, 08:08 AM   #817
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Default Good News

I have good news and bad news," the defence attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."

Harvey
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Old 09-23-2006, 08:09 AM   #818
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Default Do I look fat?

Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

Harvey
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Old 09-23-2006, 12:48 PM   #819
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Default

Heh good ones. There's a commercial for some local New York DJs Opie and Anthony that have a promo like this where they're in a clothing store and the woman's looking into a mirror and says "Do I look fat in this dress?". Anthony says "NAH, not at all" and Opie, after a brief pause goes "It's not the dress"
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Old 09-24-2006, 07:06 AM   #820
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Default Ghosts

Top Ten Signs Your House Is Being Haunted By A Lame Ghost


10. When he "levitates" your furniture, you can clearly see the wires

9. Sometimes when you're not looking, he'll balance your checkbook

8. Awakens you in the middle of the night just to see if you want to play Yahtzee

7. Whenever you have someone over, jealously asks, "But you and I are still best friends, right?"

6. Spends all day on couch watching "Oprah", crying his eyes out

5. Doesn't moan, just laughs his ass off when you're naked

4. When he forgets his key, has to wait for you to let him in

3. Tries to convince you he's the ghost of Mickey Rooney, even though Mickey Rooney's still alive

2. Scares you by saying he's gonna vote for Bush

1. Your house is built on an ancient lame-person burial ground

Harvey
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Old 09-24-2006, 07:07 AM   #821
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Default Australian Pick-up Lines

Top Ten Australian Pickup Lines


10. "Wanna play Hide The Koala?"

9. "I put the 'laid' in 'Adelaide'"

8. "I'd like to take a safari in your outback"

7. "I'd love to didgeridoo you"

6. "G'd'ass, mate"

5. "I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout"

4. "Nice wiener schnitzel"
(Sorry, that's an Austrian pickup line)

3. "Hey Matilda, how about some horizontal waltzing?"

2. "Let me show you why Australia started out as a penal colony"

1. "Me shrimp, you barbie"

Harvey
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Old 09-24-2006, 07:09 AM   #822
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Default Lame Summer

Top Ten Signs You've Had A Lame Summer


10. Instead of sunburn, you have large red mark where you accidentally leaned against stove

9. Your only summer fling was kissing grandma during visit

8. That "Alan Keyes in 2000" tattoo

7. Only fireworks you saw were when your Firestone tires blew up on the highway

6. You just woke up with a vicious hangover and a "Happy New Year" hat

5. Your big summer trip -- when the guards let you out of solitary for a smoke

4. Went on a trip to West Nile and caught the New York virus

3. Only time you saw sunshine was when "Survivor" was on

2. Your phone number is one digit off from the Firestone recall hotline

1. You're a pro golfer and your name ain't "Tiger"

Harvey
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