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Old 04-02-2006, 01:58 PM   #121
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Originally Posted by lilhave
18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.

1. I finished the Oreo's.

2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.

6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

8. I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

10. Get your *own* ice cream.

11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.

12. Got milk?

13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?

14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

17. Well, can't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

Well, after having three children (ages 22, 17 and 4) I can honestly say that the reason most women react the way they do when they are pregnant is because of MEN and their lack of UNDERSTANDING...LMAO

Why is this not in chit/chat
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Old 04-03-2006, 08:19 AM   #122
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Default If men became pregnant

. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

14. Women would rule the world.

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Old 04-03-2006, 08:21 AM   #123
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Default Kids on music

1. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

2. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.

3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

5. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.

7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

9. An opera is a song of bigly size.

10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.

11. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

12. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

13. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

14. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

15. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps onthe odium.

16. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

17. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

18. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys.

19. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

20. My favorite composer is Opus.

21. A harp is a nude piano.

22. A tuba is much larger than its name.

23. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

24. You should always say "celli" when you mean there are two or more cellos.

25. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick
with the first name and learn it good.

26. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

27. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

28. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

29. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.

30. Question: What are kettle drums called?
Answer: Kettle drums.

31. Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

32. A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

33. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both
found out and got in trouble.

34. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the
first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is
elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin
real good.

35. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line
of flute music. You just watch.

36. I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

37. The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

38. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be
the conductor.

39. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

40. The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

41. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

42. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

43. Tubas are a bit too much.

44. Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

45. I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow
or Friday be best?

46. My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom
play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

47. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.

48. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant
sound once the animal is removed.

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Old 04-03-2006, 08:25 AM   #124
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lol if you get more post em.. that was funny..
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Old 04-03-2006, 08:27 AM   #125
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Originally Posted by KonfusionFTC
lol if you get more post em.. that was funny..
Always said you had good taste.

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Old 04-03-2006, 08:45 AM   #126
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Default Woman

Woman already rule the world- we just haven't told you all yet

To avoid channel surfing Wipeouts!
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Old 04-05-2006, 11:09 PM   #127
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Default Harveys JOKE Archive Lilhave Laughter

This thread is for all jokes posted by Lilhave, for everyones archive needs for future laughter


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Old 04-05-2006, 11:21 PM   #128
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More additions to the Lilhave Laughter Archive
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Old 04-06-2006, 05:33 AM   #129
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Default Questions

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"

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Old 04-06-2006, 05:36 AM   #130
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Default Resumes

Some Handy Hints For Job Applications!

These are taken from real Résumés and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: Often. Children: Various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

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Old 04-06-2006, 08:51 AM   #131
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Hooray for more jokes! Thanks Harvey! These are great!
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Old 04-06-2006, 10:42 AM   #132
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this one was my favorite "Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?"

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Old 04-07-2006, 04:59 AM   #133
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Default Bad computer

Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

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Old 04-07-2006, 05:02 AM   #134
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Default Bad nursing home

The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home

Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.

Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

Its named Matlock Manor.

No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.

Rectal thermometers made of wood.

Two words: Community Bedpan.

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Old 04-07-2006, 09:49 AM   #135
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Default Dangit

Dangit I knew I got taken.....that's why they they gave it away in my fruit loops

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