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Old 05-24-2006, 05:42 AM   #361
lilhave
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Default Missing work

Excuses for missing work:
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I
will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Mart.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with my current long distance
company, but thank you for calling.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist
on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!



Harvey
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Old 05-24-2006, 05:43 AM   #362
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Default Woman's code

The Woman's Code Here is the Woman's Code. The secret rules that
women live by but rarely divulge to men. . .


----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

- Invite a man to go shopping with you only if you need someone to
carry your packages or drive.

- Assure your boyfriend that every female movie star has had a boob
job.

- When your man asks you what's wrong, say "Nothing." However, when
Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura asks you, go into excruciating detail.
Leave nothing out.

- The negative effects of cheese puffs and chocolate-chocolate chip
ice cream are offset by the positive effects of diet soda.

- Feet are flexible and can be made to fit into shoes varying from
size 7 to 9, depending on what's on sale.

- You can skimp on clothes, but a good bra is worth its weight in
gold. (That's Victoria's secret.)

- The Patricia Principle: The more you've been trying to attract the
attention of a particular man, the more likely it is that you'll run
into him when you're sweaty, short of sleep, without makeup, wearing
house-painting clothes, with your hair in a bandana.

- The best response to a married man who's hitting on you is, "Say,
don't I know your wife?"

- Learn how to say "Back off" very loudly and look fierce while you
say it.

- Let every new man in your life know that you've got a black belt in
karate.

- Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and
unpredictable. If other people have a hard time with that, that's
their problem.

- When you hear your mother's words coming out of your mouth, shut
your mouth. Unless your mother was really wise.

- When in doubt, say no.

- You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number
of your sexual partners.

- Men love a woman who's good in bed. But not the first time they go
to bed with her.

- No matter how much they fight it, all men need a woman to organize
their lives and their closets and tell them what kind of hair
products to use.

- Consider yourself a sculptor and your man a block of marble. Chip
away until you have created someone you can live with. He'll thank
you. Later.

- Always remember: Inside the biggest, burliest, most macho man lives
an ego as delicate and fragile as a baby chick making its first
venture outside the egg.

- Laugh at a man at your own peril.

- The only women who look good first thing in the morning are the
women who don't know how to put on makeup.

- When splitting a dinner check with girlfriends, it's perfectly
acceptable to take out a calculator.

- If you drop your girlfriends as soon as you have a boyfriend, you
will live to regret your decision.

- Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

- When consumed for its antioxidant properties, dark chocolate has
less fat than broccoli.

- It's a medical fact that some women gain weight although they eat
only salads.

- It's another medical fact that too much lettuce can lead to
depression.

- Women who never binge have no souls.

- Only a masochist weighs herself the day after a binge.

- Ditto anyone who looks at herself naked in a three-way mirror.

- Even Angelina Jolie has some part of her body she hates.

- Falling in love is a sure way to lose five pounds.

- Getting dumped is a sure way to gain 10.

- Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped
you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

- Except going to your high school reunion and seeing that the prom
queen shops at Lane Bryant.

- Black really does make you look thinner.

Harvey
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Old 05-24-2006, 12:56 PM   #363
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Default

Didn't we already do this one?
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Old 05-24-2006, 03:20 PM   #364
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new to me, then again most is
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Old 05-24-2006, 05:36 PM   #365
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Default

Harvey. You thief! That was mine and I did not give you permission to use it!
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Old 05-24-2006, 05:57 PM   #366
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by T-Greg
Harvey. You thief! That was mine and I did not give you permission to use it!
Sorry about that. Just got out of the nursing home and missed out on the cup of prune juice. Won't happen again.

A sorry Harv
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Old 05-24-2006, 05:58 PM   #367
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Default A Blonde Quiz

Time to do the inner-blonde test! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 2 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!

--------------------------------------------

1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?

3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?

4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

7. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?

8. Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

9. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

10. If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?


--------------------------------------------


ANSWERS :

1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.

3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.

4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

5. 9 live sheep.

6. The match.

7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.

10. YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 Genius
9 Mensa Member
8 Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
0 Blonde

Harvey
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Old 05-25-2006, 05:34 AM   #368
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Default Thoughts

When Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites?
Why do tug boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If the whole world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

Harvey
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Old 05-25-2006, 05:36 AM   #369
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Default kidnapped

Top Ten Signs You've Been Kidnapped by a Dumb Guy


10. He puts his return address on the ransom note

9. Instead of tying you up with a rope, he decides to go with velcro

8. He's demanding $2 million in unmarked million dollar bills

7. Did extremely poorly on Jeopardy's "Kidnapper Week"

6. He keeps calling you "Evander" and asking you for a rematch

5. He's your Grandpa Kenny, and he hid you behind a sofa in the family room

4. He lets you borrow his phone, as long as it's a local call

3. He keeps referring to a dog-eared copy of "Kidnapping for Dummies"

2. When your parents ask for proof you're alive, he sends you home to tell them

1. Plans to bet ransom money on the New York Jets

Harvey
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Old 05-25-2006, 05:38 AM   #370
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Default Naked man

Things You Should Never Say To A Naked Man...

1. I've smoked joints fatter than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Who circumcised you?
5. Why don't we just cuddle?
6. You know they have surgery to fix that.
7. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
8. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
9. Wow, and your feet are so big.
10. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
11. It's OK, we'll work around it.
12. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
13. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
14. Oh no, a flash headache!
15. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
16. Let me go get my tweezers.
17. How sweet, you brought incense!
18. This explains your car.
19. Are you one of those pygmies?
20. All right! A treasure hunt!
21. Why is God punishing you?
22. But it still works, right?
23. Do you take steroids?
24. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
25. Let me know when you're done.
26. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
27. Aww, it's hiding.
28. Are you cold?
29. If you get me real drunk first...
30. Is that an optical illusion?
31. Were you neutered?
32. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
33. Does it come with an air pump?
34. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
35. Do I hang my hat on it?
36. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

Harvey
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Old 05-25-2006, 06:18 AM   #371
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Default Yikes

Look, it fits my Barbie clothes! "

YIKES there is an image!!
__________________
WWW.SavageTraders.org

To avoid channel surfing Wipeouts!
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Old 05-25-2006, 06:07 PM   #372
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Question harvey???

are YOU that naked man u r refering to?

__________________

I have not been trading for some time now, so please do not ask---- sorry, i cannot help you!
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Old 05-25-2006, 06:16 PM   #373
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Did I forget to close the curtains?
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Time for the Beefy Boy jingle.....
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Old 05-25-2006, 06:53 PM   #374
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamont
are YOU that naked man u r refering to?

In some circles I'm known as Anaconda Harv, not Earthworm Lamont as you are called.

Harvey, the rock Python of the East.
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Old 05-25-2006, 07:31 PM   #375
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
In some circles I'm known as Anaconda Harv, not Earthworm Lamont as you are called.

Harvey, the rock Python of the East.


Here's a rock python Harv
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