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Old 05-17-2006, 06:49 AM   #331
lilhave
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Default Dogs and Cats

How To Feed Pills to Cats and Dogs


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CATS:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.

DOGS:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

Harvey
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Old 05-17-2006, 09:16 AM   #332
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So the QE2 burns a gallon of fuel for every six inches it moves huh ?
Wow, I wonder if my oldsmobile was built by the same company.
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Old 05-17-2006, 09:41 AM   #333
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The crocodile info is not totally useless. If I ever run into one and he ticks me off, if I flip him the finger, I now know that he can't stick his tongue out at me. Glad to know that in advance.
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Old 05-17-2006, 11:04 AM   #334
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Originally Posted by T-Greg
The crocodile info is not totally useless. If I ever run into one and he ticks me off, if I flip him the finger, I now know that he can't stick his tongue out at me. Glad to know that in advance.
I'm here to educate. Tomorrow we discuss the mating cycle of the Monarch butterflyand how to find it's G spot.

Prof. Harv
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Old 05-17-2006, 11:50 PM   #335
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
how to find it's G spot
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Old 05-18-2006, 06:39 AM   #336
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Default hmmm

Careful Prof Harvey.....keep talking about G-Spots I'll have to bump this into the chit chat section.

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Old 05-18-2006, 07:45 AM   #337
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Quote:
Originally Posted by savageamusement
Careful Prof Harvey.....keep talking about G-Spots I'll have to bump this into the chit chat section.

Rumors are that T-Greg was caught with a underage Monarch Butterfly. Has to do community service at the zoo. They looked at his baby and weren't sure how to label it. Was born with 5 colors and was able to fly. No formula, just worms.

Prof. Harvey
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Old 05-18-2006, 07:50 AM   #338
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Default Dogs

Things Dogs Should Remember


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I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Harvey
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Old 05-18-2006, 07:52 AM   #339
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Default Insults

Insults


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She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.

Does your face hurt, because it's killing me!

He's so dumb, he sits on the TV and watches the sofa.

You're so ugly, when you go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.

Those people are so dumb, one of 'em was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on him.

Thinks he's a real wit. He's half right.

In a battle of wits she's unarmed.

The oven's on, but nothing's cooking.

He's a little too tall for his blood supply.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

He's a few clowns short of a circus.

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

She's a few Cokes short of a six-pack.

He's a few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's dead.

She's one taco short of a combination plate.

She's a few feathers short of a whole duck.

He's all foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

She's as smart as bait.

He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

He forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

I love you more today than tomorrow.

He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

He's a gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

She's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

She's a prime candidate for natural deselection.

He's as bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

He donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

He fell out of the family tree.

He's more confused than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

He's been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

He's a couple of bricks short of a hod.

He's a couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core.

He's a couple of knights short of a Crusade.

He's a couplet short of a sonnet.

He's a few ears short of a bushel.

He's a few feet short of the runway.

He's a few links shy of a chain.

He's a few puppies short of a pet shop.

He's a few tomatoes short of a thick sauce.

He's got a room temperature IQ.

He's about a half a bubble off plumb.

He's all lime and salt, but no tequila.

He's an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

He was born during low tide in the gene pool.

He has both oars in the water, but they're on the same side of the boat!

He can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.

She's deaf, dumb, and blonde.

His deck has no face cards.

He is diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

She's eating with only one chopstick.

Her elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.

God might still use him for miracle practice.

He has six beers, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold them together.

His jogging trail doesn't go all the way around the lake.

He left the store without all of his groceries.

He's missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in her silo.

He's not the quickest bunny in the forest.

She's one song short of a musical.

Her slinky is kinked.

Some M and Ms are missing from her bowl.

He's strong like bull, smart like streetcar.

Harvey
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Old 05-18-2006, 07:54 AM   #340
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Default More useless info

The war of 1812 is the only war in American history which congress debated the merits of.
There are 2.5 million new gonorrhoea cases a year among Americans
If you could magnify an apple to the size of the earth, the atoms in the original apple would each be about the size of an apple.
Every second, 10 billion neutrinos pass through every square centimetre of your body.
A rope woven from the hair of one person's head is strong enough to lift 10 cars.
In its 120 day life span, each of your red blood cells makes 75,000 round-trips to the lungs
According to relativity theory, a transatlantic concorde flight leaves you two millionths of a second younger than your earthbound pals (submitted by 'Green Arm')
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
For two years, during the 1970s, Mattel marketed a doll called "Growing Up Skipper." Her breasts grew when her arm was turned.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee
The soldiers of World War I were the first people to use the modern flushing toilet. The inventor: Thomas Crapper.
The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
In 1898, Bayer was advertising cough medicine containing heroin.
Camel hair brushes are made from squirrel hair.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
Swans are the only birds with penises
Rats can't throw-up.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Ants don't sleep.
A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people
The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.
1/100 of a second is called a "jiffy".
Bone is stronger, inch for inch, than the steel in skyscrapers.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is taken from an old English law stating that a husband could not beat his wife with anything thicker than his thumb
Hollowed out lemon halves were used as a primitive diaphragm in the Middle Ages.
Ants do not sleep.
A can of SPAM is opened every 4 seconds.
In Brazil, Pinto, the same name as the Ford car, is a slang term meaning a small male appendage.
Fresca, the soft drink, had problems when it was sold in Mexico. Fresca is slang for lesbian.
In Germany, Sunbeam's Mist-Stick curling iron was translated into manure wand.
Spam was invented in 1937
95% of the worlds population regularly suffers from Bellybutton lint at any given time.
Dirty snow melts faster than clean snow
Lightening can strike the earth with a force as great as 100 million volts.
The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula.
Emus cannot walk backwards.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
There are only three animals with blue tongues - the Black Bear, the Chow Chow Dog and the blue tongue lizard.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Hamsters love to eat crickets.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
Barbies measurements, if she were life size, are 39-22-33.
The ridges on the sides of coins are called reeding.
Very small clouds that look like they have broken off of bigger clouds are called scuds.
Giraffes have no vocal cords.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
A dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
Race Car is a palindrome.
Avocado is derived from the Spanish word "aguacate" which is derived from "ahuacatl" meaning testicle.

Harvey
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Old 05-18-2006, 09:18 AM   #341
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
Rumors are that T-Greg was caught with a underage Monarch Butterfly. Has to do community service at the zoo. They looked at his baby and weren't sure how to label it. Was born with 5 colors and was able to fly. No formula, just worms.

Prof. Harvey
Not true! She was legal age, at least as far as butterflies go...had trouble with the g-spot though...I guess I should have taken your course before I got involved with butterflies.....now she won't speak to me
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Old 05-18-2006, 09:28 AM   #342
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Originally Posted by T-Greg
Not true! She was legal age, at least as far as butterflies go...had trouble with the g-spot though...I guess I should have taken your course before I got involved with butterflies.....now she won't speak to me
The trial judge tells a different story. What a pickup line! "Hi, do you fly around here often", and then to say, "your beautiful, did I see you on animal planet", and then the topper, "your coccoon or mine"

Me, give me a good looking crow, any day of the week.

Harvey who needs help desperately.
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Old 05-18-2006, 09:41 AM   #343
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Originally Posted by lilhave
The trial judge tells a different story. What a pickup line! "Hi, do you fly around here often", and then to say, "your beautiful, did I see you on animal planet", and then the topper, "your coccoon or mine"

Me, give me a good looking crow, any day of the week.

Harvey who needs help desperately.
Actually, I used "you have the sexiest wings I've ever seen...real or fake?"...then she slapped me.
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Old 05-18-2006, 10:26 AM   #344
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Originally Posted by T-Greg
Actually, I used "you have the sexiest wings I've ever seen...real or fake?"...then she slapped me.
Maybe if we go to the shrink together, we can get some sort of family package price. I'll mention Joker's name, that way we get 10 percent of the top.

Harvey
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Old 05-18-2006, 10:57 AM   #345
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Default how about

Dogs should remember to ALWAYS chase stray chickens out of my yard
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I have not been trading for some time now, so please do not ask---- sorry, i cannot help you!
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