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Old 04-23-2006, 05:21 PM   #211
Dragonbear
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Default

Man, I figured that the number 1 idea my date is not having a good time
was that she went out with me :-)
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Old 04-24-2006, 05:18 AM   #212
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Default Thoughts

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?


Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
Do cows have calf muscles?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?

Harvey
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Old 04-24-2006, 05:20 AM   #213
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Default You might be in a redneck fire dept.

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If....

your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
you have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
your firehouse has wheels.
you've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.
you've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
at least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
you don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
you've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
the local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
you've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
the only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.


Harvey
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Old 04-25-2006, 05:12 AM   #214
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Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
Top Ten Signs Your Date Is Not Having a Good Time


10. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns

9. As you drop her off, she says "Do me a favor -- next time call a different escort service."

8. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your windshield

7. Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?

6. Seems unimpressed that you're the senior senator from Oregon

5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife

4. Doesn't even finish her "Whopper"

3. It's been four hours since she left the ladies room

2. You're Orville Redenbacher; she hates popcorn

1. Whispers to waiter "Please kill me."

Harvey
LMAO.
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Old 04-25-2006, 05:45 AM   #215
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Default Your kid is not college material

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Isn't College Material


10. His guidance counselor's file contains two words: "yard work."

9. In yearbook, was voted "Most Likely To Injure Himself Opening a Door".

8. During algebra, interrupts teacher and asks, "When do we get to whittle?"

7. SAT score? 9.

6. He keeps telling everybody life is like a box of chocolates.

5. Every time he sees a book he says, "What the hay is this dang thing?"

4. He's the only 37 year old in the 4th grade.

3. During appearance on "Jeopardy," keeps buzzing in and asking, "Alex, can I have some candy?"

2. Thinks "valedictorian" is a brand name of condoms.

1. Can't find Waldo.

Harvey
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Old 04-25-2006, 05:47 AM   #216
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Default No frills airlines

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A
"NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...

13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.


11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

9. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.


8. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

6. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.


5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once!"

3. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes!


2. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!

and last but not least...

1. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Harvey
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Old 04-25-2006, 05:52 AM   #217
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Default You have a bad pilot

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot


10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"

9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up

8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"

7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap

6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"

5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"

4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform

3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"

2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport

1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

Harvey
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Old 04-25-2006, 10:29 AM   #218
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me and all my friends are looking at colleges and some of my friends can't find Waldo-lol
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Old 04-25-2006, 06:44 PM   #219
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Has someone been chronicaling my life?!


She said she would never tell
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Old 04-26-2006, 06:06 AM   #220
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Default Being a guy

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a ***.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

Harvey
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Old 04-26-2006, 06:11 AM   #221
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Default Siogns

The following are actual signs and notices seen across the United States.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.


In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.


On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.


In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.


In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.


In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

Harvey
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Old 04-26-2006, 04:34 PM   #222
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
You've been talking to my boyfriend, haven't you?
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Old 04-26-2006, 04:46 PM   #223
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasimon1
You've been talking to my boyfriend, haven't you?
He told me that your the sweetest, most lovely girl he has ever known. He said that right before he took the field sobriety test. His license has been suspended for six mos.

Harvey
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Old 04-26-2006, 04:52 PM   #224
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If only you knew how close to the truth that is!
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Old 04-26-2006, 05:03 PM   #225
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lol.. soooo true about them all.. having flashbacks of my ex right now.
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