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Old 05-12-2006, 05:58 AM   #312
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Join Date: Jul 03, 2004
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Default George Gobel on Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Can breathing in and out of a paper bag help stop anything?
George Gobel: If it's filled with wine it can stop me from shaking.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Peter Marshall: If the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman were to have a baby, would it be a bionic baby?
George Gobel: Yes, but it would require three doctors, a ground crew and a disposable net.

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
(laughter and applause dies down)
Peter Marshall: Aren't you ashamed?
George Gobel: I really am.

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word "Gobbledygook?"
George Gobel: That's the stuff that crusts over in turkeys' eyes when they're asleep.

Peter Marshall: According to an old song, you should "Wrap all your troubles in..." What?
George Gobel: Furs...and tell her to stop calling your house!

Peter Marshall: One Frenchman in seven makes his living making something. Making what?
George Gobel: Making love to the lady tourists.

Peter Marshall: Does the Secret Service have any women?
George Gobel: Of course, who do you think performs the secret service?

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: According to the Reverend Billy Graham, what sin have you committed if drink too much?
George Gobel: Gluttony. The neighbors say I ate their cat.

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Gobel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: According to Shakespeare, what acquaints a man with strange bedfellows?
George Gobel: The tall dude in the purple hat.

Peter Marshall: What is the most popular place in America that people want to visit?
George Gobel: It's right down the hall, to the right and has a sign on the door.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible to housebreak an elephant?
George Gobel: Yes, but don't try it during a newspaper strike.

Peter Marshall: According to Dear Abby, how long is the average honeymoon?
George Gobel: Forty-seven minutes.

Peter Marshall: What did Anita Bryant do for her talent competition in the Miss America contest?
George Gobel: Punch the hairdresser.

Peter Marshall: True or false, pickles and martinis don't taste as good to people with dentures?
George Gobel: Well, you can get along without dentures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the dining room of the House of Representatives in Congress
serves 10-12 gallons of beans every day?
George Gobel: And they go pass... (laughter) legislation!

Peter Marshall: True or false, the Pope believes the Vatican might be bugged?
George Gobel: And he also believes that 18 minutes of the new testament are missing.

Peter Marshall: According to The Cosmo Girl's Book Of Ettiquette, what does Helen Gurley
Brown say you should put in your bra to attract men?
George Gobel: A copy of Sports Illustrated.

Peter Marshall: True or false, a Florida man was recently fined 75 cents to pay for the bullet
police fired at him?
George Gobel: Yeah, and they didn't have change for a dollar, so they shot him two more times.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a cow that won't give milk?
George Gobel: Hamburger.

Peter Marshall: True or false, drinking alcohol reduces the amount of male hormones in your body?
George Gobel: You can't scare me!

Peter Marshall: According to the People's Almanac, what do they call it when one person is
engaged in kissing, fondling, and caressing with another person?
George Gobel: In show business, we call it an interview.

Peter Marshall: What was Rudyard Kipling describing when he wrote about a "rag-a-bone" and a
George Gobel: His unsuccessful attempt to shoot his wife out of a cannon.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for a man to get an annulment if he can prove that he was drunk
during the wedding ceremony?
George Gobel: Well, I thought of that, but by the time I sobered up, we had been married 23 years.

Peter Marshall: According to flag ettiquette, how does a woman show her respect for the
American flag?
George Gobel: She picks up a sailor

Peter Marshall: True or false, some fish moo?
George Gobel: Some fish moo?
Peter: Moo like a cow. Moo, yeah.
George: Well then, conversely if you held a cow underwater it would drown. I'd say turnabout is fair play.

Peter Marshall: According to weather statistics, where is the wettest spot on Earth?
George Gobel: Uh, the parking lot at Busch Gardens.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for a man to get an annulment if he can prove that he was drunk during the wedding ceremony?
George Gobel: Well, I thought of that, but by the time I sobered up, we had been married 23 years.

Peter Marshall: When are you considered an old man in Japan?
George Gobel: When you have to get your doctor's permission to bow.

Peter Marshall: According to Dear Abby, it's nature's signal that something is wrong. What is it? George Gobel: When your son starts waxing his legs.

Peter Marshall: According to legend, what one thing was Noah's wife not willing to do?
George Gobel: Sunbathe amongst the anteaters.

Peter Marshall: According to Shakespeare's "Seven Ages Of Man", what is he after he's been a lover?
George Gobel: Poot.
Peter Marshall: That's who gave us the word "poot", eh? Shakespeare?
George Gobel: Well, he gave us a lot of good words.
Peter Marshall: He sure did.
George Gobel: He's quite a man.

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a magazine called "The Corsets & Underwear Revue"? George Gobel: I was reading that before Playboy came out.

Peter Marshall: Dear Abby says it's the single reason most people go to an X-rated movie. What is it?
George Gobel: Well, in the first place, they can't believe their eyes the first 20 or 30 times.

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a Catholic parrish in Las Vegas that holds services in a topless discotheque?
George Gobel: Yes, and there's a sign that says "Do not tip or touch the choir".

Peter Marshall: True or false, massaging the feet helps some people with hot flashes?
George Gobel: So that's why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.

Peter Marshall: Years ago, American Indians tied small pine trees to their feet, and thereby invented what?
George Gobel: Shoe trees.

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts at Seventeen magazine, what is the major cause of crows feet?
George Gobel: God made them so crows could dance.

Peter Marshall: According to an article in the Dayton Daily News, it's the most universal reaction in men after they've gotten their divorce. What is it?
George Gobel: Relief.

Peter Marshall: According to "The People's Handbook Of Medical Care", it's the single-most important factor in letting you know that something is wrong with you. What is it?
George Gobel: It's when people pass you on the street, and go "YECCH!"
Peter: That would do it I think.

Peter Marshall: You have some lipstick on your collar. Will treating it with petroleum jelly help? George Gobel: I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick!

Peter Marshall: Traditionally, on Ground Hog Day, what is the ground hog looking for when he comes out of his hole?
George Gobel: Well, anything except a speeding lawn mower.

Peter Marshall: According to French wine experts, was 1969 a good, or a bad year for wine? George Gobel: Now this has got to be a trick question because there's never been a bad year for wine.

Peter Marshall: According to Father Lester's column, is there ever, EVER a time when it is permissible to punch somebody in the mouth?
George Gobel: Well, yeah. Like if he backs into the church's new Chevy wagon.

Peter Marshall: According to the celebrated Masters & Johnson, ther are about four or five thousand places offering sex therapy in America today. Now, according to Masters & Johnson, do they feel that most of them are doing a really good job?
George Gobel: Well, not the ones where you don't have to leave your car.

Peter Marshall: The Pittsburgh Press calls it a combination of the Jitterbug, the Cha-cha, and the Mambo. What do you call it?
George Gobel: A short in my electric blanket.

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