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Old 04-09-2006, 05:54 AM   #138
lilhave
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Join Date: Jul 03, 2004
Location: N.Y.C.
Posts: 2,287
Default Blondes

Q: What happened to the blonde that was tap dancing?
A: She fell in the sink.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How does a blonde moon walk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.

Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q2: What will she ask you?
A2: "Is it mine?"

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
A: It finally dawned on her.

How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Q: What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
A: He wanted to know who the other man was...

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

Q: How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day?
A: She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
A: Marry her.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q.What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:
A:"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Did you hear about the blonde who:
1 had more on her body than on her mind?
2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
6
7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get tallergirls?
11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

344. Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.

345. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her neck warm

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason. (Note from Zelo: of course Esiason is playing for Arizona now)

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: What do you call a blonde without an *******?
A: Divorced.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Q: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

A: "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.

Q: What do a mo-ped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

STATE OF OHIO
DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
451 HIGH STREET
George Voinovich COLUMBUS, OH 43210 Ralph G. Pacheco
Governor Phone (614) 445-8627 Director
FAX (614) 445-3225
BULLETIN NO. 91-92
------------------
DATE: January 7, 1992
TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents
FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches
Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor
vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required
to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer
switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing
the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from
the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.
Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles
with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a
floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering
column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.
Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio
Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.
It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public.
However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio
DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer
system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent
study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Night-time Highway Traffic
Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles
and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that
96% of all Ohio nighttime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting
her foot caught in the steering wheel........

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes.

Harvey
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